To think OH shouldn’t be paying towards SD & BM’s holiday?

[user1488481370]

BM is taking SD (14) on holiday abroad for the first time in the summer holidays.

It’s an all inclusive and according to BM is going to cost 3.5k for 2 of them all in.

I don’t begrudge either of them a holiday however, today, during pick up/drop off BM mentioned said holiday and said she’d just paid it off last week. She then proceeded to ask OH to pay his £500 towards said holiday!! PLUS spending money (which we were going to give her anyway)

AIBU or is this cheeky AF? I absolutely do not begrudge them a holiday but we never have and never would expect BM to contribute to a holiday that we were taking SD on. In fact, when we last went away with SD, 4 years ago, she didn’t even send her with a tenner!

Sounds like she’s asked him a while ago and he’s agreed (he agrees to everything to keep the peace) but we’re in a really tight position financially right now. We’re buying the food shop on credit cards, into our overdraft, need a new roof on the house as water is leaking into our DD’s bedroom and desperately need a new bathroom too as the floor has rotted away.

Im so upset as I know that if I say anything then I’ll be the big bad SM but I can’t see how this is really OH’s responsibility. She gets £350 maintenance every month plus half of all clubs/school trips and uniforms etc.

I just can’t see how this is fair.

She is within her right to ask, whether it’s cheeky or not.

He should not have agreed and certainly not without talking to you. Can he say ‘sorry we have an unexpected bill and I can’t afford it. As the holiday is already paid for, I will contribute £100 as spending money which DD will bring as cash’

He could but it seems a bit shitty to do this when he’s already agreed to. I’m just so annoyed with him. Even if we were financially better off, I’d still think it was incredibly cheeky but this is literally going to be taking the food out of my children’s mouths.

Food before holiday I’m afraid. He just has to admit it instead

If he’s agreed to it then he should pay but he shouldn’t be agreeing to it without speaking to you / if you are struggling for money.

Giving some spending money is nice to do but I’d be very anmoyed he was paying £500 towards the holiday when you’re in debt.

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 😔 so pissed we’re in this position.

@Bournetilly this is my thinking too.

He’s been sneaky before when it comes to giving BM extra money that we can’t really afford (and it’s our money as we run a business together) so I’m afraid it really is taking away from our children. I always end up finding out about it like I have done today. But similarly think its very bad of him to go back on his word.

I agree with you OP and think it's cheeky of her to ask and madness for him to agree to

A word of caution though, the term BM will draw a nasty crowd on this topic and distract from your question (she's not the BM, she's just the M)

Use the edit function if you can still!

I don't think it's cheeky of her to ask at all, especially as the monthly maintenance he gives her is basically a pittance.

@FellowshipOfTheBing ah thanks! Noted. Haven’t posted on MN for a while regarding step parenting issues so I’m not up to date with acceptable abbreviations.

@Northernlights1234 £350 is a pittance?

Yes it is.

@Northernlights1234 its actually more than he can afford per month but . . . Ok.

@Northernlights1234 Surely 'a pittance' is relative to what he takes home

Given the OPs stated he also pays for half of clubs/uniforms (as he should) and that they are surviving on credit cards and overdraft, it would suggest that it's a sizeable chunk of his income and not a pittance

£350 is a pittance to someone on £150k but a lot to someone on NMW

@FellowshipOfTheBing absolutely. They don’t arrange maintenance payments through the CSA and never have done because some years he really would’ve only had to pay her a ‘pittance,’ but he wants to make sure that his daughter has what she needs.

He’s currently paying out what someone earning over £60k a year should pay. He certainly doesn’t take that home. Definitely conducive to what one earns!

Well he shouldn't have agreed to pay it but I don't think he can go back on it now it's been booked.

I know you say you can't afford it and it's a lot of your actual income but I do agree with a previous poster that £350 a month is a pittance to bring up a teenager. You would think differently if you were the one separated from your DH and that's all you received from him every month. But that's not the issue here I know.

@FellowshipOfTheBing This is actually what a BM is though. It’s been culturally appropriated and misused so often that now no one knows what it means.
The mother of a child that is not the girlfriend or wife of the father. His baby’s mother.

If the term is culturally appropriate for the writer then no one on here should object to them using it.

I feel for her. The reason she probably can’t afford holidays is because he only pays her £350 a month. It doesn’t matter if that’s all he / you can afford, and it doesn’t matter what CMS might legally mandate, it‘s still shit.

@Ozanj you have absolutely no idea what the mother's circumstances are , she is equally responsible for her child so also has a financial responsibility to pay for her child.
You also have no idea who ended the relationship and why or how you expect the father to provide a home for himself and his daughter (and subsequent children) if he is supposed to be responsible for meeting all costs for his daughter alone.
Your post is sexist and makes huge assumptions.
The mother might be in a better financial position, will most likely be in receipt of child benefits and if she is on a low income (which is her sole responsibility) can also claim UC.
I hope you never have a male loved one that finds themselves in the difficult circumstances of trying to parent their child and support themselves financially following a relationship breakdown.
*I speak as someone that raised my children for a long time as a lone parent with no maintenance contribution, care or responsibility from EXH.

I don’t think it’s cheeky of her to ask for a £500 contribution towards their child’s holiday. I think he’s right to pay it. You haven’t been on holiday for 4 years, doesn’t sound like her mum has been able to afford it either. I’m glad her parents have sorted it between them.

I can see why it’s stressful for you given your financial
situation though.

As others have said, £350 isn't a lot for a teenage girl. Housing costs, food, clothes, pocket money, etc. £350 would dissappear very quickly. I don't think it was unreasonable for her to ask, but he should have been up front with you.

I always think this is a difficult one. CMS does not reflect the true cost of raising a child, especially on lower incomes. So why is it okay for the resident parent to bear the brunt of the costs.

Because the resident parent is the one that gets any government benefits?

Which I imagine are paltry too. Many parents don't get government benefits either, if you have earnings and/or savings over a certain threshold you get nothing. I'm afraid you won't change my mind on this issue. I've known single mothers who have struggled as their partners have paid a pittance in CMS and then also decided to go on and have more children with other women.

I would be furious with a partner who agreed to make an extra contribution such as this without consulting me. Given your financial position it’s paramount than any extra financial commitment is discussed and agreed by both of you. You have a joint business venture which sounds like it’s not viable given you can’t afford food for your family.
You say he’s been sneaky previously. The problem is him not his ex. You need to discuss his inability to say no to her regardless of financial consequences. This can’t carry on as you will become very resentful.
Your current position can’t continue indefinitely as you can’t live off credit cards forever. What’s your plan long term as your outgoings must exceed what’s coming in?
If maintenance is being paid at a rate higher than the Child Maintenance rates and extras are being provided then ignore comments about the amount. Your partner is paying extra despite his current financial position. How on earth would he be able to contribute more realistically? You can’t even get a food shop without using a credit card. I’m not surprised you’re upset. You will be using food banks in the near future if nothing changes soon.
The holiday is already paid off so there will be no consequences for your step daughter if your partners offer is withdrawn. It’s the only sensible option. You as a family unit can’t afford it and he will have been aware of this at the time his ex requested the money. He needs to talk to her urgently and explain he can’t pay for the holiday or any future ones for the foreseeable. He needs to be honest and explain how rough things are. The alternative is there will be so much debt there will be nothing available to pay any maintenance at all in the near future.
I currently receive maintenance for my children and was previously married for over a decade and we paid maintenance out of our joint account. I feel I am objective when it comes to issues experienced by blended families.

@Opine I have no issue with the term or its various uses. But I have seen threads in this topic be torn to shreds just to the use of it. The term has a tendency to rile people up

You'd think it was 'cheeky' of her to ask, even if you were financially better off?

Why? ... Your OH is this child's father, why shouldn't he help if he can? .. I think the crux of the matter is that you'd begrudge him paying ANYTHING to help out his ex.