To think OH shouldn’t be paying towards SD & BM’s holiday?

[user1488481370]

BM is taking SD (14) on holiday abroad for the first time in the summer holidays.

It’s an all inclusive and according to BM is going to cost 3.5k for 2 of them all in.

I don’t begrudge either of them a holiday however, today, during pick up/drop off BM mentioned said holiday and said she’d just paid it off last week. She then proceeded to ask OH to pay his £500 towards said holiday!! PLUS spending money (which we were going to give her anyway)

AIBU or is this cheeky AF? I absolutely do not begrudge them a holiday but we never have and never would expect BM to contribute to a holiday that we were taking SD on. In fact, when we last went away with SD, 4 years ago, she didn’t even send her with a tenner!

Sounds like she’s asked him a while ago and he’s agreed (he agrees to everything to keep the peace) but we’re in a really tight position financially right now. We’re buying the food shop on credit cards, into our overdraft, need a new roof on the house as water is leaking into our DD’s bedroom and desperately need a new bathroom too as the floor has rotted away.

Im so upset as I know that if I say anything then I’ll be the big bad SM but I can’t see how this is really OH’s responsibility. She gets £350 maintenance every month plus half of all clubs/school trips and uniforms etc.

I just can’t see how this is fair.

350 is a pittance if the father never has the child and earns well, but..he seems to take his child a fair amount. Doesn't earn much. So it's really not a pittance. Both households have to have an extra room. Food. Travel. He pays ontop for activities.

The mother is taking the child on a 3.5k holiday, so isn't struggling . On what planet do you go on holiday and expect your ex to pay towards it?? I give my dd spends if her dad takes her away and he might do the same but no way would I expect him to pay any of the costs or vice versa. You want a big spenny holiday, pay for it yourself. Children don't NEED big holidays abroad. They do however, need food. What kind of world are we living in that a child goes from one household where they're being jet-set off on holiday to another where they have to use food banks. In what way is that even remotely a holistic and responsible approach to raising kids ffs.

I will also add that M moved SD 60 miles away and OH does 90% of all travelling. M will occasionally drop her off or pick her up if she’s coming over to see family but that’s rare.

What have you decided to do?

@LilacPanda he’s paying £250 and giving her £50 spends. It’s a compromise but we’ve got a big payment due at the end of the month which should help financially

Then they should STFU about the falling birth rates!

Essentially he’s paying less than a third of what the holiday would cost for his child, I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, after all it’s not his child’s fault that he had children with someone else?? Also £350 a month is only £80 per week when you break it down so that is a pittance for raising a child quite frankly wouldn’t even cover food/ childminding/clubs cost and anything else required 😂 I’m afraid YABU and would suggest he gets a better paying job as you said he doesn’t even earn £60K a year in his own business I’d suggest he needs a side hustle to keep you all happy and vasectomy as you can’t afford more children 🤷🏼‍♀️

He shouldn’t be paying for any of the holiday. The ex is a cheeky bitch even asking. If she wants to take their daughter away then she should pay for it.
I bet she doesn’t offer money when he takes her away!
£80 is more then enough considering the ex is also meant to be paying for the child 😂
The SD is 14, not 4! I don’t think she has any childminding cost 😂

@TwinklyRoseTurtle have you RTFT? Why should he pay towards a holiday that he hasn’t booked. I suppose it’s easy to be an arsehole over an internet forum. Nothing you would ever say to anyone’s face.

OP, reading through some of these responses, you’ve got great patience. You shouldn’t have to justify every aspect of your life over such a simple matter.
His ex shouldn’t expect a contribution to a holiday she is booking, but as he’s agreed knowing you couldn’t afford it, it’s him who’s in the wrong. I had a similar situation with my DH and it really does break the trust, when they are offering extra money despite you not being able to afford essentials.

And I’d love to know what some people get paid in maintenance that they consider £350 a pittance! Both parents have a responsibility to provide for their child/ren and house them, it’s batshit that people think “poor mum has to house the child”, would she not have a house/bills regardless?! Just like dad. The maintenance covers food, clothes, electricity, etc for the extra days mum has them. I say this as someone who receives maintenance and someone whose DH pays maintenance.
And you know what, when DH and I moved in together I allowed my ex to pay me less maintenance because I didn’t need as much money.
Obviously it’s different for those whose ex purposely comes out of work or stays on a low wage to avoid maintenance, it’s a horrible way to behave.

This is absolutely insane. No father has a responsibility to contribute towards a 3.5k holiday booked and chosen by his ex (for two people!). Each parent should pay for their own holidays with the children. We are going away as a family of four for £700 for a week. We can't afford more, so we budget accordingly. We wouldn't dream of asking my husbands ex to contribute so we can go somewhere more exotic. That would be bonkers and she would quite rightly say no, she's budgeting for her own holidays with them.

The conversations about maintenance are also bonkers. Unless you don't ever have the children, you are not paying maintenance to cover the whole of the costs for them. You are paying maintenance for the unbalanced days. So if you have 3 nights and the ex has 4 (for example) you are contributing the cost of 4 extra nights a month. Under those circumstances, £350 is hardly a pittance!

@KatMansfield6 he has literally just paid her over 1k this week without me realising. He’s given her £700 and £350 maintenance. We are now in our overdraft again. We’ve got money coming in this week but it’s not really the point. A smaller amount was agreed and he’s paid her double! All on account of him being made to feel bad! Why feel bad? the holiday is paid off, if she can afford 3.5k for a weeks holiday for 2 of them then she’s obviously not struggling.

Your last update would see me leave the relationship. You're not married so just go and leave him to it. I could understand if she was destitute or couldn't afford to feed the dc, but it's for a holiday, a luxury

I would feel so disrespected and be rethinking my marriage. He knows your family is struggling and is firing money at his ex for non essentials. And before anyone says it, a 3.5k holiday is not essential. I would be separating finances at the very least going forward

This

Me too. Where’s the honesty? Where’s the respect?

He knew I would find out. He didn’t say a thing to me about it. Why? Why do it?
Not helped by the fact she’s picked SD up today in a brand new car. I’m feeling very rattled right now. He’s sleeping on the sofa.
I put up with a hell of a lot to be with him, his family are crazy, he can’t say no to his ex. We live like paupers and I’m constantly being told it’ll get better but it never does. Forever trying to keep the wolf away from the door and then he goes and does this behind my back. It’s not its even like the £500 she initially asked for! £700!! What?! Then she’s talking about going on holiday next year too!

I have never and nerved would ask my children's dads to pay towards a holiday that I have choosen to take our kids on. It was my personal
Choice to take them away so my choice to pay. So yes I think she's cheeky asking for money for the holiday cost. With regards to spending money I always say 'if you would like to they would need euros or dollars or whatever' that way it is upto them. And if they want to give their kids spending money. Ultimately it's his choice, they are his kid and if he wants to then I suppose it's hard to argue. He probably doesn't say to you because he knows the stress it'll cause but he wants his daughter to know he will give her spending money etc.
could he not agree to pay her back £100 a month instead of one bug chunk maybe?

£320 isn't a pittance, as the BM we get the benefits. Plus our wages and maintenance. The dad does still need to be able to afford his own house to live in etc and provide for when he has the kids.

He's given his ex £700 for an AI holiday whilst you're struggling financially?!?! Yeah sorry but that would be a deal breaker for me OP.

If nothing else, you should ensure he just has toast for his meals.

PS - and even if he were paying £1million per month in maintenance, plenty of posters would still say its a pittance.

You have a huge DH problem; he's more worried about upsetting his EX than he is about talking things through with you, the woman he is supposed to love and cherish.

I'd sit him down for a stern talk regarding what you both agree to, given your finances sound like they are shared, unless he wants to end up with another EX and paying maintenance!

He's not going to stop you know. He's just not going to.

He'd rather have you angry because he thinks that's easier. That you'll suck it up. That he can chuck you under the bus again and again and again, lie and lie to you, butter you up a bit and you'll take it up the arse again like a good girl.

Do you have a limit? A point you could get to where you say enough. I'm done. I'm tired of you agreeing one thing with me then doing another to please your ex. I'm out.

Because I suspect you will get to that and he will be shocked as hell.

He'd rather have you angry because he thinks that's easier. That you'll suck it up. That he can chuck you under the bus again and again and again, lie and lie to you, butter you up a bit and you'll take it up the arse again like a good girl.

Sadly this is true. I have no idea why, but we hear of so many men who would prefer to keep their ex wives happy, rather than their current wife.

OP, he has stolen from your children.
Will it be for the last time?
He'd be my brand new ex so fast the fucker would have whiplash. Utter, utter contempt for his family.

They are both completely shameless. Her for demanding the money and him for giving it to her, esp in such a sneaky way.

I’d suggest he moves back in with her.