To think OH shouldn’t be paying towards SD & BM’s holiday?

[user1488481370]

BM is taking SD (14) on holiday abroad for the first time in the summer holidays.

It’s an all inclusive and according to BM is going to cost 3.5k for 2 of them all in.

I don’t begrudge either of them a holiday however, today, during pick up/drop off BM mentioned said holiday and said she’d just paid it off last week. She then proceeded to ask OH to pay his £500 towards said holiday!! PLUS spending money (which we were going to give her anyway)

AIBU or is this cheeky AF? I absolutely do not begrudge them a holiday but we never have and never would expect BM to contribute to a holiday that we were taking SD on. In fact, when we last went away with SD, 4 years ago, she didn’t even send her with a tenner!

Sounds like she’s asked him a while ago and he’s agreed (he agrees to everything to keep the peace) but we’re in a really tight position financially right now. We’re buying the food shop on credit cards, into our overdraft, need a new roof on the house as water is leaking into our DD’s bedroom and desperately need a new bathroom too as the floor has rotted away.

Im so upset as I know that if I say anything then I’ll be the big bad SM but I can’t see how this is really OH’s responsibility. She gets £350 maintenance every month plus half of all clubs/school trips and uniforms etc.

I just can’t see how this is fair.

This isn’t an unusual opinion unfortunately.

same could be said about anyone who can’t provide for their child, including anyone who needs benefits or UC to make ends meet.

@toomanytonotice circumstances change. With the best will in the world you can plan & provide but then life happens.
Most people who claim UC work and should not have to top up to survive. If our Government did something about the dire wages in this country and the cost of food, renting, inflation etc then a lot of people would not have to top up their income.
It’s worrying how right wing some posters are on here given they believe they have the right to tell people whether they are suitable to breed or not. Do you think parents should have to prove they have X thousand available before they are allowed to breed? If circumstances change will the children be removed as heaven forbid someone might have to claim some kind of benefit. They are only for the lowest of the low. You can’t possibly be a good parent unless you work full time and spend no time with your child from 2 weeks old. Pop then into full time nursery and wrap around child care then loads of extra curriculars so you never see them. Is that the definition of a deserving parent these days?

Exactly.

so pp’s comments about not having more children unless you can pay for the ones you already have are just bullshit.

Im embarrassed for you

YI I

So you think maintenance is supposed to cover nothing but food?

What about clothes, uniform, toiletries, access to electricity, wifi, heating, water, the council tax that needs paying on a home big enough for her to have a bedroom, transport to school costa if there are any?

Maybe the ex thinks that you and her ex couldn’t afford more children just like you think she can’t afford a holiday? Your judgements about each other are irrelevant. It is right that a father should pay towards a holiday his child is going on.

What about clothes, uniform, toiletries, access to electricity, wifi, heating, water, the council tax that needs paying on a home big enough for her to have a bedroom, transport to school costa if there are any
OPs OH has to provide a home for his child too? Unless you think it's all magically free to an NRP?
I know my DSDs room at our house came at a cost of tens of thousands of pounds, and attracts all the bills in line with the size of the home, too.

@TinyYellow where did I say that?
If you RTFT you’d see that OH pays half towards uniforms, clubs, school lunches, school trips etc. We have her every weekend and the vast majority of school holidays, she has everything she needs here.

@TinyYellow i literally said that she’d paid the holiday off! Nowhere have I said that she couldn’t afford it, obviously she can but she’s asking for a contribution from OH in retrospect.

Maybe I should’ve just aborted all of my children then? Jesus!!

@TinyYellow if you RTFT you'd see OP in that post was responding to someone who stated £350 a month wouldn't even cover food for one child as that specific poster spends £700 for 2 people a month. OP was pointing out that spending on food is relative

And by your logic if OPs DH takes her SD on a holiday, he should expect his ex to contribute to the costs?

I will also add that last year I took SD on 2 weekends away with her sisters. Paid for by me. I didn’t ask M for a penny, nor would I.

I suppose a couple of weekends camping in the lakes is different to an AI abroad but I guess relative for what we could each afford at the time.

You know all of that also has to be provided at OP and DHs house, right? Or should they set up a cardboard box in the garden for DSD to stay in when she comes over?

The father absolutely should contribute to a holiday that DSD goes on WITH HIM AND OP. Not a holiday that DM has decided to book and has miraculously funded only on a 'pittance'. Oh, and all the extra money she receives from OPs DH for things like uniform/ activities/ trips etc. Must be really tough for DM, I can't imagine the struggles she's facing...

People with your mindset are honestly embarrassing.

I’m really interested to know what these people think an ‘acceptable’ amount of monthly maintenance would be. Like the lowest they feel their children could be well provided for on. Because it blows my mind that people think £350 plus everything else, is a pittance?!

Whatever the reasons, the fact is DP has extended himself beyond what he can afford, whether that's a home that needs repairs, too many children or agreeing to pay for a holiday. What happened to change his circumstances so much, and was that avoidable? Either way, it all down to him, not the ex. I'd be furious with him over the holiday.

As a single woman in her 50s, I come into contact with lots of divorced fathers. I'm going to say they all over compensate for their guilt at leaving the family by providing far more financial support and practical support, than I think is reasonable, even to adult DC. Often effectively an open chequebook, whether they can afford it or not.

It's absolutely right that they want to support DC, but I think they do it because they're aware how fragile their relationship could be.

Birth mum is an absolute joke taking your husband for granted. He would get the choice if he gave her money for a holiday in her time then he would be gone as he’s rolling out the red carpet for his eldest however taking food from your children!

The child maintenance is a pittance...

You do realise that's the amount given to the Mother. He then still has to pay for his daughter when he has her. He's also contributing to other costs.

I'd be interested in MN ideas regarding revamping child maintenance in a way that would be deemed acceptable.

@Dryplate 2 of our biggest customers went bankrupt almost 2 years ago. They owed us 10’s of thousands of pounds. We haven’t had a penny.

We were managing until the beginning of this year. We don’t spend beyond our means. We have a small home, our car is 14 years old, we buy our clothes from Vinted, children don’t have latest phones or games consoles (which they wouldn’t have even if we were better off)

A posted alluded to us living beyond our means which isn’t the case. I’ve always been so frugal as we’ve tended to invest the majority of our profits. We have assets but need them to run the business and get us back on our feet again so can’t really sell. Short term pain for long term gain although it’s been very hard and I never want to be in this position again!

It was actually M who walked out when SD was a baby. They got back together until SD was 18 months and then split for good which was an amicable decision but he has always overcompensated where SD is concerned. I have turned a blind eye to a lot of it so perhaps he deludedly felt I wouldn’t be bothered about the money

OP I wouldn't bother trying to defend yourself against some of these vipers - best to ignore. They wouldn't be happy unless you and your kids were living in a cardboard box on the street in order to give the ex wife every penny you earn.

It all sounds very difficult, but does need to find a way to support all his children properly.

Whatever the reason for the separation, it seems from the men I know, there always very nervous about the fragility of their relationship with DC and do seem scared to say no, whether it's to requests for cash, lifts, DIY etc.

@Dryplate i feel it’s on both of us to support our children adequately and we’ve taken steps to ensure this. We’re not just going to be ok overnight but we will be eventually.

You’re absolutely right about the apprehension surrounding his relationship with SD. I don’t think it was any accident or coincidence that M asked for the money in front of SD either.

DF and the second family would have to be licking bins for nutrition and living under 1 paper plate between them all for MNetters to be happy. Even then, ExW's/ DMs would somehow be the ones worse off 🙄

Oh come on. She can't afford holidays but she's chosen to book at 3.5k all inclusive holiday?

I'm not sure where people are getting their calculations from to call a maintenance payment of £350 plus extras a pittance. The SD is with her dad approximately 40% of the time. Therefore his ex has £700 (his contribution and hers) to provide for their DD 60% of the time. That is plenty for one child who doesn't need childcare. And as for £350 only covering food for one teenage girl?

I know too well there are men that don't pay enough or as little as they can get away with but people need to take responsibility for their financial situation and decisions. She booked the holiday and she should fund it, as you would if you had booked it.

Saying that, as he has already agreed it would be a bit unfair to back out now, as she is likely to have factored it into her budget. Just make it very clear that it won't be happening again.

It takes approx £1000 per month to raise a child

So £500 per parent

Your DH has his child 40% of the time so the additonal 10% of the time the mother has the child would therefore equate to £100 per month CM

Lots of people on here hate step mothers merely for existing.
Of course you're right to be upset by this but I agree he kind of has to pay it now but I think it's very cheeky that she asked.
As for £350 for one child being a pittance, I'm astounded. My ex only has our children one night a fortnight and he pays £300 for both with no extras. So £350 for one when they are with you that often is very generous.
I mostly came here to ask if you've tried apps like too good to go and olio? They are amazing at getting you a decent amount of food for very little, I'm quite rural and still have a few options here.