To think OH shouldn’t be paying towards SD & BM’s holiday?

[user1488481370]

BM is taking SD (14) on holiday abroad for the first time in the summer holidays.

It’s an all inclusive and according to BM is going to cost 3.5k for 2 of them all in.

I don’t begrudge either of them a holiday however, today, during pick up/drop off BM mentioned said holiday and said she’d just paid it off last week. She then proceeded to ask OH to pay his £500 towards said holiday!! PLUS spending money (which we were going to give her anyway)

AIBU or is this cheeky AF? I absolutely do not begrudge them a holiday but we never have and never would expect BM to contribute to a holiday that we were taking SD on. In fact, when we last went away with SD, 4 years ago, she didn’t even send her with a tenner!

Sounds like she’s asked him a while ago and he’s agreed (he agrees to everything to keep the peace) but we’re in a really tight position financially right now. We’re buying the food shop on credit cards, into our overdraft, need a new roof on the house as water is leaking into our DD’s bedroom and desperately need a new bathroom too as the floor has rotted away.

Im so upset as I know that if I say anything then I’ll be the big bad SM but I can’t see how this is really OH’s responsibility. She gets £350 maintenance every month plus half of all clubs/school trips and uniforms etc.

I just can’t see how this is fair.

@Soontobe60 your budget obviously allows for that.

I think the problem is your husband. He should have said no or at least discussed it with you.

In my view he has agreed to it and therefore should honour the agreement. He can't change the goal post after she has booked it as she has booked a 3.5k holiday on the basis of his contribution.

You need to speak with your DH and agree the ground rules going forward about him agreeing to any additional financial support without speaking to you first.

You also need to seriously look at your own budget as your current way of spending is unsustainable. You need to either earn more, spend less or do both. I'm empathetic about the cost of living, it is hard, but unfortunately that burden to make ends meet still falls on our own shoulders. I would seriously be going to a food bank before paying for food on credit card.

Some people on here think the step child/ren should be prioritised over other children in the family. They should all be treated equally.
Both parents need to contribute to the upkeep of a child. Dad in this instance is not responsible for the ex’s costs in respect of living as she has to live, pay bills, eat etc too. It does not cost £350 to feed a child per month. Maintenance is a proportion of the costs of a child not the sole amount of the ex’s outgoings.

Sounds like she’s asked him a while ago and he’s agreed (he agrees to everything to keep the peace)

It is not the SDs fault.
It is not the BM fault.
It is not your fault.
But you do have an absolute twat of a husband.

Has he always done what he's wanted to do financially (or otherwise), without discussion? If so beware, it is what killed my marriage. And my Ex still doesn't understand why 🙄

Just tell him to say no. It's disgusting if he throws £500 plus spending money at his ex but claims he doesn't have enough money to feed his younger children. I'd actually leave a man if he didn't treat his children equally.

What has your husband said about it? Has he reflected on how your other children suffer? On whether he would have the same expectations of his ex to contribute to your holiday? On why he puts the needs of someone with more minimal outgoings over your needs? He has to pay it now of course but you need to have these conversations with him and fire these questions at him. Also, what responsibility is he taking for the food shop, managing budgets etc? Why don’t you hand it all over to him for now and tell him we’ve only got x amount and we need to find a way to feed the children on that, you’ve put us in this position so I’ll let you take responsibility for that. Tell him about the food bank if needs be and let him be the one that seeks out the support. That way his actions have more direct consequences for him.

I had this exact situation. My partners ex and her new boyfriend were taking their 2 kids on a trip to Disneyland, she expected my partner to pay for the kids! Absolutely crazy! If she and the boyfriend want a holiday with the kids, pay for it yourselves! We would never ask for her to pay for the kids holiday with us! At least she could have chosen a holiday somewhere cheaper e.g. Euro Disney would have been cheaper!! It's beggars belief really! My kids have never been to Disneyland, so why the hell should we pay for the other two! I would give £100 spending money and that's it. These B/Mother's have a bloomin cheek when they pull shifty stuff like this, if you ask me.

I'd give her the £500 but absolutely refuse to give her spending money, she could use that £500 towards it since she's paid off the hoilday surely?

How do you know?

single mums aren’t all on NMW you know, some have very well paid jobs and careers.

there are bankers, solicitors and dr’s who are single mums.

my cousin is a single mum on a massive wage. Plus CM is earns triple what dh and I do combined.

as for £350 being a pittance, or nowhere near half etc. people earn what they earn. If he doesn’t earn enough to pay more without going without food or rent himself he can’t magic it out his arse. Mum should be contributing the same- £700 would be a reasonable amount for a teen.

My brothers ex actually wanted it written in their divorce agreement that he paid for one foreign holiday for them all per year.

that got thrown out.

3.5k holiday for 2 people is a lot. If she were struggling for money she could have easily got a nice holiday abroad for under 1k. So clearly she’s not struggling to pay bills.

So you’re saying that your SD’s stepfather should support your partner’s daughter, because your partner can’t? And that your partner’s children with you should take priority over his first daughter?

weird morality there.

agree with this^
Your DH is a problem and it’s an established circle basically - every time he say yes without consulting you and then he says that he can’t go back on his word. So to break the pattern you had to get him to go back on his word. It’s the only way. Otherwise it will be always like this in all issues.

I agree £350 doesn't cover the costs of raising a child each month, but you must realise huge swathes of families in the UK could not afford to spend £350 per person per month on food

Unfortunately men (and it's usually men but I'm critical of women who do this too) forget to check that they can afford to have a second family. £350 a month maintenance may feel significant to you but assuming you are not 50/50, I strong doubt it equals the playing field as far as the cost of bringing up a teenager.

Also are you taking her on holiday, you say it's 4 years since you did, perhaps that's why he thought helping with the cost was a good idea. Are you taking your little ones away without your stepdaughter?

I'm in a blended family but financially I'm fully self sufficient, wouldn't have done it otherwise as dp needs to consider his children

Doesn't sound like your business is viable if you're not turning a profit and using credit cards for food. Maybe time for paid employment for you both given you all have children to support and your house is falling into disrepair.
Why do so many men go on to have more children than they can afford?

Can’t afford a holiday? Boo hoo.

He can’t afford to feed his other kids. He and OP have to go into debt so their children can EAT. No he shouldn’t be paying his ex an extra £500 they don’t have so they can go on a holiday. Nice to have, not essential.

I would go ballistic that he didn’t discuss this.

Is everyone forgetting that a holiday isn't a necessity? It's a luxury and at the price that was paid it's a really nice one. If the mother chooses to go on holiday then she funds it, no contribution necessary. If her husband going on the holiday then it really is cf behaviour. Also 350 is in addition to other costs the dad pays and they have her on a regular basis seems good. To anyone saying 350 plus additional is paltry, what would be seen as a good payment? Genuinely asking

OP, taking your figures of every weekend as being two nights (?) and 80% of holidays, that means you have DSD over 40% of the time? If this is so, then I think your DH would be overpaying even if he was on £60000. Half of clubs and uniforms is clearly correct, but he definitely needs to be hauled back in if he is paying £350 and stopped from offering extras such as this holiday payment.

Don't some other posters see that if DSD is there 40% of the time then it will after all be her as well as the other DCs needing to be fed from a food bank at this rate - it would be a lovely world where no-one needed help like this, but it is not the world we are currently living in.

I think you need to have this out with DH, because you cannot go on like this.

The problem here is that if you have shared finances (I don't with my dh) then your dh agreed to this without speaking to you.
£500 seems to be around a third of SD overall holiday costs so the mum is paying most of it. If I couldn't afford a holiday then I'd be happy for someone else to take them with my contribution. She shouldn't need spending money though as it's AI.

The word you’re looking for is mother.

Yep that would be more than my entire disposable income.

people seem to forget that different budgets are available. Someone on 60k may spend 20k a year on their kids, but if you only earn 20k then you can’t spend that amount on them and will have to budget accordingly.

i earned 20k for a good few years. £350 probably was half of what I spent on one child as I simply couldn’t afford more.

I'd not be pleased either especially as you pay £350 a month plus half of extra curriculars and half of uniform and on top of that have SD every weekend and nearly all of school holidays too so he is doing his part as a father. A holiday is a luxury, food for your children's bellies is essential. He needs to get his priorites straight. Which is that he needs to make sure all his kids have everything they need rather than everything they want because at the moment he's catering to one childs wants and neglecting the others needs. She is a bit cheeky for asking, I'd not dream of asking anyone to contribute to holidays I've decided to take.

Surely the issue is that neither mum or dad in this scenario can actually afford the holiday. Mum needs her finances topped up to be able to go and dad is giving away money whilst being in debt himself.
When did a 3.5k AI holiday become the norm/ necessity rather than a luxury ?

The OP has corrected herself, but thanks for your useful contribution 🙄