To think OH shouldn’t be paying towards SD & BM’s holiday?

[user1488481370]

BM is taking SD (14) on holiday abroad for the first time in the summer holidays.

It’s an all inclusive and according to BM is going to cost 3.5k for 2 of them all in.

I don’t begrudge either of them a holiday however, today, during pick up/drop off BM mentioned said holiday and said she’d just paid it off last week. She then proceeded to ask OH to pay his £500 towards said holiday!! PLUS spending money (which we were going to give her anyway)

AIBU or is this cheeky AF? I absolutely do not begrudge them a holiday but we never have and never would expect BM to contribute to a holiday that we were taking SD on. In fact, when we last went away with SD, 4 years ago, she didn’t even send her with a tenner!

Sounds like she’s asked him a while ago and he’s agreed (he agrees to everything to keep the peace) but we’re in a really tight position financially right now. We’re buying the food shop on credit cards, into our overdraft, need a new roof on the house as water is leaking into our DD’s bedroom and desperately need a new bathroom too as the floor has rotted away.

Im so upset as I know that if I say anything then I’ll be the big bad SM but I can’t see how this is really OH’s responsibility. She gets £350 maintenance every month plus half of all clubs/school trips and uniforms etc.

I just can’t see how this is fair.

@Loubelle70 not really the point.

I'm not, and would never, ever be with anyone with children but I don't understand why the father can't make his own decisions without all this grief from his current girlfriend.

OP what did you think would happen when you discussed all this with your boyfriend before having or bringing more children into a relationship where money is very tight, either his children or yours, or joint?

You haven't taken the daughter away for* *4 years so the amount you are being asked to contribute and to which your boyfriend agrees with, is a pittance in the grand scheme of things.

@Azerothi money wasn’t tight when our other children were born. As I’ve said, our financial situation has changed. We’ve both taken on extra employment to try and make ends meet.

We can’t afford it, it’s not grief it’s being realistic!

She just stumped up 3.5K without a second’s thought. She’s not taking her daughter to Butlins - she obviously can afford a holiday.

It’s not half of what is costs to actually raise a child as a lone parent though so it isn’t actually enough. Each parents should be equally responsible for their child/children.

https://cpag.org.uk/policy-and-research/findings-our-projects/cost-child-reports

link so people can see its costs more to raise a child as a lone parent.

Its a point.
If shes single mum she doesnt have the income your family does.
DD shouldnt miss out on what your kids dont miss out on

@Loubelle70 shes married!

@Loubelle70 where does it say, anywhere that my children went on holiday and SD didn’t?

Well there's nothing stopping her increasing her earnings.

It's not shit. It's what the OP can afford. And as they said they can barely afford that.

As he's agreed to the holiday I think he needs to pay.

But make it clear his budget cannot extend to further holidays.

Is your business viable - or keeping you on the breadline? Would one of you bring in a full time job reduce the pressure?

@Testingprof
She's not a single mum though

@Aubree17 we’ve got a lot of stock to sell it’s just the wrong time IYSWIM. We should be ok when it’s sold.

We've both taken on additional employment in the last month which should really help. Going to be a busy couple of months but we’ll manage.

I completely agree, he’s said he’d pay it so her should. Just wish he’d discussed with me before agreeing.

The fact that she's married and presumably therefore not managing the cost of mortgage, bills etc alone would have been helpful info from the beginning.

I don't think that the amount your DH pays (£350 pm + 50% of clubs etc) is paltry so long as it is proportionate to his income. How often do you have SD? That obviously impacts the amount he should be paying.

The issue here is that he has unilaterally committed to paying £500 from your household income for a holiday when you haven't got sufficient funds to meet your own basic needs. It's hard to see how he can go back on that if the booking has been made on the understanding that he will be contributing but I can see why you are so annoyed.

@NashvilleQueen sorry, I didn’t know whether I’d have been jumped on for bringing it up in the first instance.

We have SD every weekend and around 80-90% of school holidays.

No, I quite agree he’s agreed to pay it and it’ll have to be found somehow.

I think you need to focus on sorting out your own finances - this is the issue, not that he’s offered to make a contribution towards a summer holiday.

Well that information wasn’t in the op, it’s still not 50% of what it costs to bring up a child.
Does your OH contribute more or less than £350 a month to your children?
He’s made an agreement with his ex and he should stick to it and it sounds like you don’t agree with how he chooses to spend his money so you should work on not having a business together or actually paying yourselves a proper salary each, he does have separate responsibilities.

He should tell his ex he can't afford the £500 plus spending money and he'll just give his dd £50-100 in cash. It doesn't matter that he already promised. If his ex kicks off then just ignore. She's obviously not skint.

It doesn't sound like he treats his children equally and seems to prefer his eldest DD. I couldn't stay with a man like this. He can afford to give £££ to his ex but can't afford to feed his children?? He's awful.

The old mn saying comes I here 'you have a dh problem'

The mum can ask, I do agree it's cheeky but she can ask. It's up to your dh to discuss this with you and come to an agreement. If you're putting the food shop in a cc then he shouldn't have said he'd contribute

I have three kids, two of which are adults now. It's NEVER cost me near what those reports like to throw around as the cost of raising a child.

There is no way he should be contributing towards their holiday. It's up to him to take his daughter on holiday on his time. If he's offered it, then that's on him, but he really doesn't need to be.

I never got paid any CMS because we had 50/50 and paid for our own stuff on our time. As a lower earner, this meant my ex-DH took them on foreign holidays but for me that wasn't possible. Just the way it is.

He shouldn't have agreed to pay towards a holiday without discussing HOWEVER £350 a month will likely just about buy food for his child - it is a pittance I'm afraid and does not contribute in any way to the raising of that child.

Sorry you find yourself in the terrible housing situation.

So on the basis of the amount of time you have SD the financial contribution doesn't seem unreasonable.

You need a plan for your own finances factoring in the £500 but I'd be saying no to spends. If it's AI they shouldn't be spending much anyway.

@babasaclover really? I spend just over than a month for 5 of us on food! I don’t accept that SD will eat her way through £350 worth of food per month.

@babasaclover it's £350 pm plus they pay half of clubs and activities on top. And they also have SD every weekend and 80-90% of the school holidays.

He needs to tell them he can't. yes it's shitty, but he needs to learn to say no. if he doesn't do it now he'll never learn. Don't let him wriggle out of it. It will be uncomfortable for him, which is a good way to learn not to be generous with family money.

I spend around £700 a month in food for 2 of us

@Theoldbird I feel like he has to pay it now he’s said he would. And then in future be more considered