To think OH shouldn’t be paying towards SD & BM’s holiday?

[user1488481370]

BM is taking SD (14) on holiday abroad for the first time in the summer holidays.

It’s an all inclusive and according to BM is going to cost 3.5k for 2 of them all in.

I don’t begrudge either of them a holiday however, today, during pick up/drop off BM mentioned said holiday and said she’d just paid it off last week. She then proceeded to ask OH to pay his £500 towards said holiday!! PLUS spending money (which we were going to give her anyway)

AIBU or is this cheeky AF? I absolutely do not begrudge them a holiday but we never have and never would expect BM to contribute to a holiday that we were taking SD on. In fact, when we last went away with SD, 4 years ago, she didn’t even send her with a tenner!

Sounds like she’s asked him a while ago and he’s agreed (he agrees to everything to keep the peace) but we’re in a really tight position financially right now. We’re buying the food shop on credit cards, into our overdraft, need a new roof on the house as water is leaking into our DD’s bedroom and desperately need a new bathroom too as the floor has rotted away.

Im so upset as I know that if I say anything then I’ll be the big bad SM but I can’t see how this is really OH’s responsibility. She gets £350 maintenance every month plus half of all clubs/school trips and uniforms etc.

I just can’t see how this is fair.

M’s husband isn’t going. They’re going with wealthy friends and I think M has felt pressured into it by said friends.

I do feel if they wanted to go on holiday with M & SD that they should’ve lowered the budget of their holiday so that they could afford it more easily. But, I agree, a holiday is not a necessity.

And going on holiday and not taking SD with us is out of the question. It’s something we’d never do and never have done.

No she can’t afford a hols because she isn’t earning much.
just like the father.

If they had still been together, the child still wouldn’t have had a hols because both parents have an income too low to allow for that.

There is a reason why there is a CMS calculation. It’s to avoid some parents pushing and asking fur more than the other parent can give.

I mean, you are basically saying that one child should go with less food, a leaky roof etc… so that another can go in hols.
If your child was the one living in a house needing so much repair, would you find that fair??

Apologies OP, I understand that your DH is not going on the holiday. What I meant is that by agreeing to contribute towards it, he is by default supportive of it. In my view he should’ve been clear with his ex that he couldn’t afford to contribute and if that means she can’t go then she’s stretching her finances too thinly and therefore can’t afford to do it either.

I’ve not read the full pile on, I don’t get it tbh.

DH has been completely unfair and irresponsible to you, ex and DSD.

I don’t think she was cheeky for asking - she might think you’re rolling in it, it may have been speculative, a decision may have been made on his contribution.

Her DH may have said no because not his child, her reasoning is irrelevant really, sounds like it was a request not a demand.

On the other hand I cannot believe he said yes when knowing your financial situation. He’s been unfair, out of order to everyone as you’ll all suffer for it.

I’d be livid.

Sorry, I thought you meant M’s husband!

I'm not talking about just food what about rent mortgage bills clothes? All these things are needed to raise a child not just food.

I do agree though, he should not be giving out joint money without even discussing it. He is at fault here 100%

I'd be furious.

It is DH responsibility to find that £500 AFTER ensuring your own household bills (mortgage/ rent, utilities, subscriptions, food bill etc) are covered.

Please ensure your finances are seperate. I appreciate that might be difficult with you being Co owners of a business, but you need some financial independence and stability if he is going to be so reckless consistently with your household income.

As for £350 being a 'pittance' to raise a child on, DM has managed to raise a child AND fund a lavish AI holiday from this. £700 is more than enough money to raise a child on between both households, because you ensure everything is done within your budget and teach children the importance of budgeting by not signing them up to every activity/ not giving extortionate gifts/ not buying the latest tech and clothes constantly or when they just want it etc etc. It really isn't difficult. DP and I's children (2 SK's and 1 DC) all have nice clothes, go on days out, have multiple after school activities, can afford luxuries etc and we aren't on huge incomes. We fund nothing that happens at DMs house, and have 50/50 shared care. Before shared care, we still funded nothing at DMs house outside of CMS payments (minus clubs/ uniform/ lunch costs etc).

If push comes to shove, your DH needs to go through CMS. Your household is as much as a priority as DSDs, more so for you as that is the ONLY roof over their head that your DC have!

I say all this as a SM and mother. DH is taking the piss out of you, and DM is taking the piss out of all of you.

It’s an important point. Sorry I missed the correction. I haven’t got the energy for reading five lengthy pages to find out whether something has been corrected.

What about all these things at OP and DHs house? They have to fund a bigger house to have a bedroom that sits empty 60% of the time for DSD. Meanwhile, their own DDs bedroom ceiling is leaking.

OP has already clarified that DM lives mortgage free in a property her partner inherited. That's already a huge saving for DM. Therefore bills wise, DSD does not cost more than £700 to be cared for at DMs house. This doesn't include any costs at OPs house, which also needs to be funded by DH.

£700 a month plus £100 child benefit so, £800 a month, isn’t enough for one child especially considering he’s also paying half of all clubs etc? I’m flabbergasted, that’s more than my rent.

Your problem is with your partner. The mother can ask for anything she wants, the issue is that he agrees to requests for money and doesn't see you as having joint finances so he doesn't consult you. It seems like supporting his eldest and appeasing her mother is his priority. Is there guilt involved? Was he responsible for ending the marriage?

You can read the OP’s posts though. There aren’t that many of them.

BM is perfectly acceptable as an abbreviation on forums. Only here are the few "precious" posters. We all know what is meant - just ignore and address the question instead of petty nit-picking.

I don't know that letting you down is a lesser evil than letting his ex down.
He's agreed to fund luxury for one child while the roof over the head of his other children isn't sound?
I'd be telling be telling him he can unagree PDQ or fuck off to be honest. It's completely unacceptable behaviour and I'd be absolutely furious if my DH betrayed our shared kids like this.
And £350 would be a pittance if that was the only money being spent on the child. But its £350 plus half the additional big expenses plus mum's contribution plus the expenses at dads house (where the child must be roughly 40% of the time if its every weekend and 90% of school holidays) so spare us all the pearl clutching about the impoverished mum and tightfisted dad. 🙄

And £350 would be a pittance if that was the only money being spent on the child. But its £350 plushalf the additional big expensesplusmum's contributionplusthe expenses at dads house (where the child must be roughly 40% of the time if its every weekend and 90% of school holidays) so spare us all the pearl clutching about the impoverished mum and tightfisted dad. 🙄

THANK YOU @DearestGentleReader

I’d be very upset with this! It’s disrespectful of him to make financial decisions without your involvement which will impact your family, I’d be having serious words with him about this.

FWIW I don’t think £350 is pittance in child maintenance, my DDs dad pays £40pw - now that’s pittance.

I'm not talking about just food what about rent mortgage bills clothes? All these things are needed to raise a child not just food.

@babasaclover BM would still need rent/mortgage/bills without a child, so she still needs to provide for herself.

I agree some of the posts on this thread are nuts - I feel like I’ve walked into a parallel universe.
I wouldn’t know where to begin spending £7/800 a month on my kids

OP I agree with others that you absolutely shouldn't pay this money. Yes your DH agreed, but since you have joint finances it wasn't his money to give away in the first place, but at the very least half yours. Totally ridiculous to let your children- including DSD when she's at yours- go hungry so the ex can play keeping up with the Joneses on a luxury holiday. With any luck the embarrassment will shock your DH into being more prudent in the future.

@Finleyandfigg

I haven’t got the energy for pressing"show all" on OP's posts reading five lengthy pages to find out whether something has been corrected. when I've got more urgent things to do, such as telling off a stepmum on the step-parenting board.

There, fixed that for you.

If he couldn’t afford to pay a decent amount to keep
his first child then he shouldn’t have had anymore, let alone some that he is struggling to feed!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

No I don’t think he should pay. A holiday is not essential. If mum decides mum should pay but your husband making decisions about shared money without your input is grossly unacceptable. Yes she might “only” get £350 from dad and half of all over costs but he money will be topped up quite nicely with either her wages, or will benefits. But her financial situation isn’t something you should worry about. Bottom line is, important decisions are being made that directly affect you without your involvement. I’d honestly tell him it stops or I go.

He absolutely shouldn't have agreed, but I don't thinkhe can go back on it now.

What is he doing to be in a positon to provide for all his children better?

Fuck's sake, I've heard it all now.