To think OH shouldn’t be paying towards SD & BM’s holiday?

[user1488481370]

BM is taking SD (14) on holiday abroad for the first time in the summer holidays.

It’s an all inclusive and according to BM is going to cost 3.5k for 2 of them all in.

I don’t begrudge either of them a holiday however, today, during pick up/drop off BM mentioned said holiday and said she’d just paid it off last week. She then proceeded to ask OH to pay his £500 towards said holiday!! PLUS spending money (which we were going to give her anyway)

AIBU or is this cheeky AF? I absolutely do not begrudge them a holiday but we never have and never would expect BM to contribute to a holiday that we were taking SD on. In fact, when we last went away with SD, 4 years ago, she didn’t even send her with a tenner!

Sounds like she’s asked him a while ago and he’s agreed (he agrees to everything to keep the peace) but we’re in a really tight position financially right now. We’re buying the food shop on credit cards, into our overdraft, need a new roof on the house as water is leaking into our DD’s bedroom and desperately need a new bathroom too as the floor has rotted away.

Im so upset as I know that if I say anything then I’ll be the big bad SM but I can’t see how this is really OH’s responsibility. She gets £350 maintenance every month plus half of all clubs/school trips and uniforms etc.

I just can’t see how this is fair.

You are completely out of touch

@Puffinthree
" I've known single mothers who have struggled as their partners have paid a pittance in CMS and then also decided to go on and have more children with other women."

I don't have the answer. My ex pays nothing. He doesn't see the DC at all. But the way the system in Australia is, if he had them for even 1 night I would end up paying HIM because of how little earns (his accommodation is paid for by his DM) so I'm bloody glad he doesn't see them to be honest. It would cripple me financially.

So while the UK system is pretty piss poor, attempts to fix it in other countries can be hit and miss. Although I guess most women who are 50/50 and earn less than their ex will end up receiving money from their ex under this system.

£350 is not a pittance a a contribute towards the upkeep one child, where presumably he pays for food, activities etc when she's with him as well. It's all relative to income and the number of other children he has. The mother also has a duty to financially support her own children. If she can't afford a big AI holiday abroad without asking for handouts then she should probably have planned a cheaper break.

However having said all this, your problem OP is your partner who seems to feel guilty or responsible for his ex and so is offering her more than he can afford to. You can't do much about her but you need to have words with your DP.

I am shocked he only pays £350 for his daughter. It absolutely is a pittance, full stop and should have been his first priority before he went about having more children with you, which he is apparently also unable to support sufficiently. I hope his daughter enjoys her holiday and you must have known what you were letting yourself in for.

She's paying 3k for a ai holiday for two people

Personally I feel that many parents, especially men, ought to consider more carefully whether they can actually afford more children, i.e. a second family.

@user1488481370 - what arrangements are being made for your stepdaughter's further education/university? To my mind that's way more important than a £500 contribution to a holiday.

Though, unless there are other issues apart from debts that you incurred as a couple, he should pay the amount that he has already agreed to.

£350 per month? That hardly touches what it costs for housing and raising a child. I’m afraid you are coming across as the “big bad” stepmother ( as you call yourself).

Personally I feel that many parents, especially men, ought to consider more carefully whether they can actually afford more children, i.e. a second family.

Exactly.

He’s been sneaky before when it comes to giving BM extra money that we can’t really afford (and it’s our money as we run a business together) so I’m afraid it really is taking away from our children.

It sounds as though you’d really rather your husband’s daughter didn’t exist.

The way you talk about her father being “sneaky” in supporting his daughter!!! It comes across as quite nasty.

@Xyz1234567 Personally can’t stand the saying ‘you must have known what you were letting yourself in for.’
Does anyone who is experiencing a blended family for the first time? I’m sure the OP didn’t anticipate a situation where she would be paying for her groceries on a credit card?
No one can anticipate other people’s behaviour.
Im wondering if you have experience as a step parent?

My ex didn't pay anywhere near £350pm for our daughter when she was a child. (And he could definitely afford it, but he wriggled out of paying a single penny more than he had to). And I wouldn't have dreamed of asking him to pay towards a holiday.

The Ex is taking the piss here. She could book a cheaper holiday. And if this is leaving you skint then you can't take the SD on holiday this year can you. Take the other kids away, she's had her holiday.

One of you needs to get a better paying job. Sounds like the shared business is the problem

If it's taking money away from OP's family, and their finances are joint, then he absolutely shouldn't be sneaking the ex extra money.

£350 is not a pittance

Remember the mother is supposed to contribute equal aswel. That's means £700 a month just on his daughter.

Then the mother has to pay for accommodation, bills etc and so does the dad so his daughter has a decent home with him and with her mum.

He is always paying half of clubs etc on top and pays for his gather when she is with him. Probably much more like £500 a month for his child.

I don't have £500 a month to just spend on clubs etc for each of my children so let's get real.

Yes if he was earning well but OP says he's not. They are buying food on a credit card and haven't been on holiday for 4 years it's not like they are living the life of luxury.

3.5k on a holiday for two people says it all she clearly isn't on the breadline.

Sorry OP I don't think you can afford it. Perhaps you could say to SD's mum you can increase the month payment by £50 for the next 10 months or £100 for the next 5 months just to cover the £500 extra

It’s not cheeky to ask the father of a child to contribute financially to things that she will benefit and enjoy. Blame your DH, not a mum who just wants a holiday with her child. Your DH is doing right by his daughter by supporting her to have a holiday with her mum though and presumably you’d have complained if he’d told the truth. It’s done, let it go.

This.
My DD father contributed 5p...a year.
If men have children, they need to pay towards that. Including, uniforms, towards holidays etc. my view

Your problem is 100% with your DH. Nothing to do with your SD's mother, at all. She can ask and it is fair. She has asked. Is your DH who is responsible for talking it with you and saying yes or no to the question.

He's agreed so he has to pay

His DD is also his ‘family’ as you put it. She’s not a dirty little secret to be kept in the closet. He’s not ‘sneaking the ex extra money’, he’s paying towards his daughter’s holiday which she may not have had if he couldn’t contribute. And now he’s being made to feel like the villain because of it.

Yes I do find it cheeky, because if we were going on holiday, we’d never ask M for a contribution!

A holiday isn’t an essential. It’s a luxury.

@Northernlights1234 i begrudge him paying for luxuries for one child whilst I’m seriously contemplating going to a fucking food bank to feed my own! Absolutely!

Tbh while usually I'd agree with you, if you haven't taken SD away on holiday for 4 YEARS, I think it's only right her dad contributes 🤷‍♀️

@Soontobe60 you completely missed my point.

Shes a single parent?

Bloody hell! Nowhere have I said, or even alluded that I wish his daughter ‘didn’t exist.’ That’s a lot to get from me being upset about him agreeing to pay out an extra £500 that we didn’t budget for.

Our financial circumstances have changed quite significantly over the last couple of years (you know, financial stability isn’t a constant) and as we all know (or perhaps not as some of you seem to be so deluded) that looks different for different families in different areas in the country.

M also lives with her new husband in a house that he inherited so there’s no rent or mortgage to pay. Hope that makes you feel slightly better. Evidently really enraged a lot of ‘M’s here. Get off a step parenting forum if you’ve got nothing supportive to say!