Take care of SS while partner works?

[Firsttimemum0558]

My partner and I have SS (aged 4) 2 days, 2 nights a week. In the next few weeks my partner is needing to work 7 days a week, 20 hour days. We have a 7 month old baby together (unrelated but he’s had 4 surgeries so far and requires more) and partner has asked if I’ll have his son on his usual days when he’s working. I understand we’re a family and I should help out but it’s an hours drive to get him and come back (baby hates the car and screams the whole time) and SS mother won’t do any pick ups or drop offs. Bedtime would be difficult with bathing them both and putting them to bed as baby is ebf and I feel uncomfortable doing this in front of SS, and while I’ve had them both for a few hours at a time, I feel intimidated doing 2 days and 2 nights alone with them every week.
Me and my partner have very different parenting approaches and I don’t agree with a lot of things he allows SS to do when he’s here, but he won’t allow me to change these things even if I take care of him.
I want to say no as in my opinion SS comes here to see his dad not for me, but is this unreasonable as I chose to have a family with him and his child?

Me and my partner have very different parenting approaches and I don’t agree with a lot of things he allows SS to do when he’s here, but he won’t allow me to change these things even if I take care of him.

How he can expect you to take care of your step-son/his son but not have any say in the rules of the house when he is in your home?

Why are you even considering this? Your partner has treated you horribly since your baby has been born. In fact, why are you still there?
Though I will say this, if this is the life you are choosing then it would be best just to get on with it so he can't make your life anymore miserable.
Just say you won't do any drop offs or pick ups. Need to put your baby first there I'm afraid.

20 hour days, seven days a week? Of course he's not.

He can't do those hours anyway, whatever they are, if he's got his child, same as the rest of us separated parents. You arrange work and children hours carefully into the future, not just forge ahead taking whatever work hours you want and hope someone else picks up the slack.

Incredibly naive to assume OP had a part in deciding any of this.

This poor child has been spectacularly let down by both his parents. However, this is not your problem to solve OP and if you try and be accommodating you will only get make things harder for yourself as more and more will be expected from you.

Absolutely you should make plans to leave, even though I know it's very easy for strangers on the internet to say but harder to do. Your focus here is on you and your baby so try and keep that in mind.

Op I have read your other threads and your partner is simply awful as from what I can see just sees you as some sort of servant. I feel he has worn you down whilst you are vulnerable so he can exploit you.

To recap he:

• Expects you to pick up ALL his childcare

- Spends hardly any time with you or your child

• Ignores you and your child when he is around
• Demands use of your car when you really need it
• Expects you to financially provide for his older child with savings
• Has refused to provide even the most basic support when you were in labour
• Has refused to provide even the most basic support when your tiny baby was having serious surgeries

I'm sure this probably isn't a comprehensive list of his awful behaviour either.

There is 0 benefit for you staying in this relationship. I do understand not wanting to accept defeat and admit having a child with this man was a mistake but continuing on with the relationship is just a sunken costs fallacy. You'll never get the time you stay with him back and the longer you stay the longer you will feel resentful, uncared for and your self esteem and the self esteem of your baby will be chipped away.

He is never going to change, he doesn't see a problem with his behaviour and he just doesn't seem to care enough about you and your baby to want to change. Anything he says to the contrary is just platitudes to keep you in line.

The main issue I would have is the driving involved and that he wants you to act like a parent but only as he sees fit. Side note- how does he see parenting two kids two different ways working out? Also if it was a one off I would but not for months on end

I would do this without a shadow of a doubt. He's your child's brother!! You are all a family,
My partner treats my daughter exactly how he treats his own and I wouldn't be with him if he didn't

@kayla12345
He doesn’t treat his shared baby with the op the way he treats his older child.

If she leaves DH (as she should) then would you be saying the same thing? That she should have DexSC whenever the parents need childcare because he's her child's half brother? Don't be so ridiculous.

If there's to be no contact with Dad, then there's no point to dss being with you.

Say no. This is not your child and you have a baby to look after. Dad needs to arrange alternative childcare.

What's the point of your boyfriend OP?
If you're not going to see him for months, there is no relationship, he's not a parent, he's not enhancing your life, which is the entire point in having a boyfriend, so...

What a diabolically appalling man. A disgrace. It angers me that such scum still exists.
Get the fucker dumped and enjoy life.

Bully for you. In this case, however, treating this child like her own is exactly what OP's partner won't permit under any circumstances. Maybe actually pay attention to the details before coming out with trite clichés?

If your partner wasn’t a complete and utter pig, I’d be saying “you’re a family” and telling you to treat your SS as such. But these circumstances and previous threads all just add up to - get the hell out. I hate to be that person, but bloody hell you must have seen who he was when you met him, was his kid even 2yo then? Take your baby and live your life, this man is a shit partner and a shit dad.

He doesn't have to work 20 hour days, 7 days a week z this is a completely illegal shift pattern and he's taking you for a mug.

How on earth is he going to work 20 hours a day 7 days a week for several weeks - 140 hour weeks??

I would say no to this, how is it contact time with dad if he's not there. Up to dad to say he can't work those hours due to childcare responsibilities.

I simply don’t believe this. It’s just smug ‘I’m so much better than you’ posting from a place of zero experience. And mostly in cliche.

I don’t believe that you’d be fine with a man delegating 100% of his responsibilities to his child to you, expecting you to drive your sick baby on two hour round trips to pick up a child who isn’t going to see his father, looking after him without any ability to contact either parent, trying to juggle he needs of the unwell baby (who has recently had surgery) and trying to apply the imposed parenting rules decided by a partner. For weeks on end.

If your partner was single, how would he have managed work and having his contact time with his child?

So your stepson's Dad won't see him in person for the next 5 months?
Just you and their half-sibling?
They are four. Will they understand what's going on?
Will their Mum even approve?

@Astariel I'm really
Not sure How I am posting for a 'place of zero experience'? My partner works shifts and when his shifts fall when he has a children I look after them as if they are my own!

Reading back the OP says that her partner is working 20 hour days for 7 months - absolutely not possible. The baby also isn't going to be sick for 7 months continually! And if he is doing that with our and consideration for saying his child then he's not somebody I'd want to be with

its my partners weekend with his 4 kids and he’s decided to go into work as it’s more money for him and im expected to look after everyone all weekend without a break even though i have a demanding full time job i argued that they shouldn’t come if he’s not here but im the selfish one .

That’s nuts @Butterfly212 he wasn’t available to work!

that’s not fair on you or the DSC.

does this happen often?

not regularly but every now and then. I know I sound selfish but its bank holiday weekend and i would have liked a break too.

Well what are you going to do about it?

He is the selfish one, he’s dumped his responsibilities on you and presumably his DC (how old) won’t have a great BH.

This shouldn’t have happened more than once tbh.