Take care of SS while partner works?

[Firsttimemum0558]

My partner and I have SS (aged 4) 2 days, 2 nights a week. In the next few weeks my partner is needing to work 7 days a week, 20 hour days. We have a 7 month old baby together (unrelated but he’s had 4 surgeries so far and requires more) and partner has asked if I’ll have his son on his usual days when he’s working. I understand we’re a family and I should help out but it’s an hours drive to get him and come back (baby hates the car and screams the whole time) and SS mother won’t do any pick ups or drop offs. Bedtime would be difficult with bathing them both and putting them to bed as baby is ebf and I feel uncomfortable doing this in front of SS, and while I’ve had them both for a few hours at a time, I feel intimidated doing 2 days and 2 nights alone with them every week.
Me and my partner have very different parenting approaches and I don’t agree with a lot of things he allows SS to do when he’s here, but he won’t allow me to change these things even if I take care of him.
I want to say no as in my opinion SS comes here to see his dad not for me, but is this unreasonable as I chose to have a family with him and his child?

His job, and attitude, is incompatible with having children.

I suspect he wanted a live-in babysitter, housekeeper and shag and the way to achieve this was to get you knocked up. You (and the baby) aren't his priority. But neither is his eldest. Why does he want to have the 4yo there when he's not? Just to either irk or facilitate his ex and to not pay more, I assume. Because he wont actually see him.

Ducks in a row time, I'm afraid.

So he is working 20 hour days 7 days a week for a few weeks?! Leaving 4 hours a day to eat, sleep, shower and travel etc?!

Ducks in a row time, I'm afraid.

Absolutely.

💯

I was on your last thread too. You’ve really got to leave him. He’s not a good person.

As for this particular issue, no, you obviously can’t be parenting him solo if you’re not allowed/empowered to parent him your way.

If you stay with him, which I fear you will though very much hope you won’t, you’ve got years of misery and stress ahead trying to bring up two children with someone who doesn’t parent compatibly with you or in a way you don’t respect. Always risky to have a child with someone whose approach you don’t agree with tbh. But it’s done now. He’ll either let DSS get away with murder while coming down hard on your shared DC or he’ll take the same crap approach to both. I suspect it’ll be the former as he doesn’t seem attached or bonded to your baby. But neither is good for any of you. You’ll be trying to push water up hill. Don’t do it.

As for the ex won’t swap, if you’re not around to cover him she’ll have no choice.

What's really happening is that you’ll be providing childcare to your DSS’s parents two days/two nights a week for five/six months.

Poor child, this is supposed to be his contact time with his Dad, not you. His Mum clearly resents you and I doubt that your DP has told her that he’ll hardly be around for months.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. If he can’t take care of his child, he needs to arrange alternative care. He can’t just expect his ex to pick up his slack.

But long term, it just isn’t sustainable, is it? He has two children, and is managing to opt of doing any parenting with either of them. It’s not fair on you, it’s not fair on his ex, and it’s absolutely not fair on the children. He’s not going to see his eldest for months by the sound of it, and he might have 5 minutes to wave at your baby in the 4 hours he has to sleep and eat! He needs to get a job that allows him to be present on his children’s lives, and actively parent them.

At least you now know that he is a shit father. If you split up you probably will be lucky in that he will have zero interest in your child.

Am I the only one wondering how working 20 hours a day, 7 days a week is sustainable??

DH shouldn’t take the job because he has two children at home and a relationship to nurture. Why is work his priority and not his wife and kids?

SS is not coming to see his Dad only, he’s coming to see his other half of the family, his sibling and SM whom he needs to form a bond and connection with also, not just his Dad. However that doesn’t mean your husband should be leaving the responsibility of either child solely with you (outside of reasonable working hours) unless it’s an occasional thing and he should care for his son on days he is not working otherwise they’ll never see each other? And if/when you are caring for SS alone his mother must want you to be able to contact her in case of emergency?

Me too - he only gets four hours sleep a night, every night? No day off at all between April and September? Working non stop for six months without a break sounds illegal to me too.

I'm torn.

Part of me thinks that there's no point in the contact time if DSC won't actually see his dad.

But, OTOH, part of being a parent involves juggling work and childcare. On 'his' days it's your DHs responsibility to make sure someone is looking after DSC. If you can't/won't do it, then he needs to find someone else who can. That could, if course, be DCSs Mum, but only if it's convenient for her.

Why would someone who ever works 20 hour days 7 days a week have a baby? They cant can they?
Unless they automatically assume someone else a woman will look after their child.

@Pineapplewaves
Possibly works in farming/ agriculture/ forestry, especially due to the April-Sept mention

I would offer a compromise. Look after him but the mother does pick up and drop offs. If she isn’t happy with that then he can’t come. You have a small baby and your husband needs to register that.

Take your car and your baby and leave.

presumably the kid’s mother would rather keep her son at home rather than him being looked after by someone who resents him being there

Lots of parents work full time but 7 days a week with such long hours is too much when he has a son to look after. He needs to reduce his hours.

I mean, he’s 4, he’s tiny

Why are you offering up another woman in this scenario to do the man's responsibility? He fathered a child, he looks after the child.

I am wondering too. That doesn't seem sustainable or safe for a few days never mind weeks on end.

My ex insisted on 50-50. I didn’t object and it wasn’t a financial wheeze as I earn more than him and he didn’t ask me for money. I expect he saw himself as v involved dad. But at least half the time when I pick up it’s his mum or gf there with my kid and ex is at work. Kid is happy being doted on by these extra women but massive eye-roll.

It is two days and two nights every week.

I think you are entitled to say no. It would be different if you were comfortable and happy with the arrangements and drop offs and pick ups had been arranged. But that is not the case, so say no, and mean it

Me and my partner have very different parenting approaches and I don’t agree with a lot of things he allows SS to do when he’s here, but he won’t allow me to change these things even if I take care of him.

See id just LTB already. Things are going to go tits-up further down the line due to the above. Plus he's already using you as a free nanny. As a minimum, say no. It's DH's/DSS's contact time, not XW's have-a-break-from-parenting time. DH is unavailable this week, so either he sorts out alternative childcare for DSS or DSS stays with XW and doesn't come over. The baby is irrelevant, my advice would be the same if you had no DC.

But long term, it just isn’t sustainable, is it? He has two children, and is managing to opt of doing any parenting with either of them.

Whilst simultaneously dictating precisely how they're parented. Quite lord-of-the-mannor, isn't it?

Wonder what made having a child, with someone who's parenting style OP disagrees with, seem like a good option.