Take care of SS while partner works?

[Firsttimemum0558]

My partner and I have SS (aged 4) 2 days, 2 nights a week. In the next few weeks my partner is needing to work 7 days a week, 20 hour days. We have a 7 month old baby together (unrelated but he’s had 4 surgeries so far and requires more) and partner has asked if I’ll have his son on his usual days when he’s working. I understand we’re a family and I should help out but it’s an hours drive to get him and come back (baby hates the car and screams the whole time) and SS mother won’t do any pick ups or drop offs. Bedtime would be difficult with bathing them both and putting them to bed as baby is ebf and I feel uncomfortable doing this in front of SS, and while I’ve had them both for a few hours at a time, I feel intimidated doing 2 days and 2 nights alone with them every week.
Me and my partner have very different parenting approaches and I don’t agree with a lot of things he allows SS to do when he’s here, but he won’t allow me to change these things even if I take care of him.
I want to say no as in my opinion SS comes here to see his dad not for me, but is this unreasonable as I chose to have a family with him and his child?

It's a bit shit of you to turn away a 4 year old.

Either you are family or you are not.

In all honesty working those hours your partner will burn out. If it's financial you need to cut your maternity leave short. But no, he is already letting his DS down by not doing his fair share of parenting, he can't expect to work all hours under to sun to benefit your family and expect his ex to provide childcare to enable that. If you expect your partner to work these crazy hours, then you'll have to do your bit by providing childcare.

It’s not tho? The dad won’t be present for 5 months. She has a new baby with it seems health complications that’s a lot for a new mum on its own. Honestly she’s probably very aware she will be a single mum sooner rather than later too and you tell her she’s shit for not having someone else’s kid?

come on her partner is shit for not having HIS kids, kids as in first and second child. This is not on OP. Not her fault or her problem.

i sometimes help my partner with childcare but if he asked me to have them even for a night and he wouldn’t see them before they were returned. I’d say no! Doesn’t make me shit. Makes me not a doormat or a babysitter

This is nonsense. Manipulative nonsense. If someone pulls this crap on the people around them because they want free childcare, they’re pisstaking CFs.

Tell the child’s father to be there for his child. Don’t try to make the OP feel guilty for not enabling his behaviour.

So what’s it called when I get help because my DH is at work?

If it’s not the parent it’s babysitting.

You're not being unreasonable.

• Mum has blocked you.
• Dad won't be contactable.
• Child will see nothing of dad during that time.
• You're not allowed to parent him how you'd wish to.
• The drive time is too long for an infant to be in a car seat and mum won't transport.
• It's an ongoing, repeating work pattern, not a one off. So you'll be doing it long term if you say yes.

You're being a mug in this situation if you do it.

Mum and dad need to change their contact schedule to reflect his new rota. This is a them problem, not a you problem.

Thank you for your eloquent post. You have summarised it perfectly.

Let’s stop pretending that the mother’s non-contact time is sacrosanct and it’s the SM’s problem.

This is so true! Why does a step parent’s free time and mental health come bottom of the barrel?

FWIW I agree that childcare isn't your responsibility. But it is Dad's responsibility on his contact time. If you've decided as a family that he should work 7 days a week then you need to take on some of that as a family. The alternative is that he finds a new career that suits both his DC.

I never said it was the op. And it shouldn't be about leaving the mother up shit creek either. She also isnt dad’s babysitter.

this is a man having children he cannot look after and not even being a good enough partner that the mother’s choose to stay with him as a family. This is a man getting women pregnant and not parenting. The next will end up looking after two small children and her newborn and more fool her to see this and do it. But still, he is the one who is the problem.

I think the PP is trying to obsfucate around who is benefitting from the babysitting.

It’s dad’s contact time so any babysitting is for his benefit (not mum’s).

Thing is, it’s totally irrelevant. If dad decides to just not be there, then it’s the child’s mother’s problem. He is the cause of this problem.

It’s got nothing to do with whether the OP agreed to babysit. Which parent benefits from babysitting makes no difference at all.

That's not on OP.

The 'turning away' of SS has been done by her partner who has chosen to accept a job that means he is unable to parent either of his children for months.

If a mum accepted that job, especially without childcare in place first, she would be absolutely torn apart.

Imagine if a woman posted this:

"I have been offered a job that means I'll be away for five months working 20 hour days, 7 days a week. I usually have my son for 2 days and nights a week but obviously won't be around to look after him so my boyfriend would need to do so while looking after our baby who is less than a year old and has recently had a number of health issues. AIBU to accept the job?"

You think people would post saying she should take it and her boyfriend should suck it up?

As if.

Imagine if a woman posted this (I've added a detail)

"I have been offered a job that means I'll be away for five months working 20 hour days, 7 days a week. I usually have my son for 2 days and nights a week but obviously won't be around to look after him so my boyfriend would need to do so while looking after our baby who is less than a year old and has recently had a number of health issues. He would need to drive an hour each with with our baby for pick up and drop off but our baby hates being in the car. AIBU to accept the job?"

You seem to have completely misunderstood the post. The mother doesnt need to find a babysitter as her child is with his father for his contact time. When she needs someone else to look after her child during her contact time, then she needs a babysitter. It is the father who needs to babysitter as he isnt able to parent at all for five months of his contact time. Actually he probably needs a shake, but what can you do. Shit dads do shit things.

if a father is absent it falls to the other parent, the mother.

Sorry, but I don't believe that he is planning to work 20 hours a day, 7 days a week until September?

That gives him 4 hours a day to sleep/eat/do basic self care etc. Clearly not sustainable and nobody is stupid enough to do this.

If he is employed, hours employers will be breaking the law in most countries, and he clearly needs to get a different job.

If he is self employed, maybe he needs to look for paid employment that will enable him to work and fulfil his other responsibilities.

Nobody would ever agree to work like that unless they were getting paid an obscene amount of money for it, so can't he just hire a live-in nanny to care for his ds? If he can't afford it, he needs to quit and do something else instead.

I have just realised I have posted on your other threads about this bellend.

Your partner is an arsehole. He isnt going to change suddenly or ever. Keep posting about how shit a parent and partner he is to you and both children until you are ready to leave him. Read those posts back frequently. And for your sake, don't get pregnant again.

You need to make it clear that if you are in sole charge of SS, then your parenting rules will apply or no deal.

You also need to get on and breast feed with the child around. There is absolutely no reason not to and you will be making a rod for your own back to be trying to look after him whilst hiding yourself away to feed the baby. You do not have to flap your boobs around; just do it discreetly, as we all do when we are out.

This situation sounds horrendous. I couldn’t have looked after ill 7 month old and someone else’s 4 year old. I would have had a mental breakdown. You don’t have to do this OP. Say no, NOW!

The OP does not have to get on and breastfeed with the child around. His father should be there looking after him so she can feed in the way that suits her and the baby.

Reading your other threads, it does seem you blame all issues on your 4 year old SS. You decided to have a baby with a deadbeat, that is the issue. He likely impregnated you so you feel trapped. Your life will improve when you choose to leave him.

I just read your other thread.

He is an absolute arsehole and would be mad to stay in a relationship with him long term.

He's already favouring his older son and refusing to do his fair share of parenting your child.

He didn't bother to support during the hospital time and even told you he wanted the car during that time.

He really is a cunt OP. Never, ever waste your life with someone who is fundamentally selfish and unkind to you.

I feel sorry for both the children with having a useless dad. Having read other threads the poor DSC seems to have gained numerous half and step siblings in his short life.

Just about to say this. Are you sure he’s working? No job demands or allows this.

Oh goodness, is the other thread the one where the op blamed everyone else she possibly could, including the 4 yr old, rather than accept the fact that she'd chosen a complete low life to have a baby with?

Personally I would end the relationship and let those two sort out their own child together. Both of them sound like horrible parents.

I don't know why you had a child with someone like this but all you can do now is leave him to it.