Take care of SS while partner works?

[Firsttimemum0558]

My partner and I have SS (aged 4) 2 days, 2 nights a week. In the next few weeks my partner is needing to work 7 days a week, 20 hour days. We have a 7 month old baby together (unrelated but he’s had 4 surgeries so far and requires more) and partner has asked if I’ll have his son on his usual days when he’s working. I understand we’re a family and I should help out but it’s an hours drive to get him and come back (baby hates the car and screams the whole time) and SS mother won’t do any pick ups or drop offs. Bedtime would be difficult with bathing them both and putting them to bed as baby is ebf and I feel uncomfortable doing this in front of SS, and while I’ve had them both for a few hours at a time, I feel intimidated doing 2 days and 2 nights alone with them every week.
Me and my partner have very different parenting approaches and I don’t agree with a lot of things he allows SS to do when he’s here, but he won’t allow me to change these things even if I take care of him.
I want to say no as in my opinion SS comes here to see his dad not for me, but is this unreasonable as I chose to have a family with him and his child?

Whilst simultaneously dictating precisely how they're parented. Quite lord-of-the-mannor, isn't it?
It seems like a well-trodden path on here on some blended family threads. The dad seems to be Disney dad to his older children, has limited involvement with his younger children with new partner, conveniently finds excuses to offload his parenting onto his new partner, but really wants a babysitter who's walked all over rather than a step parent.
What's worse is that the new partner comes on Mumsnet and usually gets told she should be willing to be on demand childcare and facilitate useless dad opting out "because you chose to date a man with a child". There's a lot of women who think it's women's job to enable men opting out.

Congratulations on your baby OP.

I don’t blame you for having reservations about this. I found going from 1-2 children really tough and my DH worked away at the time when I had a toddler (2) and a newborn. It was a really difficult time.

I think it’s alot to expect of a new Mum, not least when you’re not used to doing bedtime.

When I first had my eldest I did the odd school run and pick up whilst on mat leave for my DSS but I wouldn’t have been happy being solely in charge.

Could your OH atleast look to use a nanny or mother’s help for some of that time? So you could get a break too - if your DH is working that much you must never be getting any respite? An experienced Nanny would manage and treat the children just as they would any child in their care and you could use the time to get out the house?

I also disagree it’s just your OH’s job to do PU and DO. It should be shared.

I would also suggest asking the mother if she would prefer DSS didn’t come at all.

There's a lot of women who think it's women's job to enable men opting out.

sadly, yes. A lot.

Aah so this is all the step-mum’s responsibility is it? Mind boggles at such a ridiculous post.

20 hours a day? What?

This is going to be until September, you likely won't be able to contact his dad or his mum if there is an issue. This would not be a lifestyle I would choose, but you seem to have done. What is the payoff? Hopefully he earns a fortune and that works for you? He needs a different job to parent his children or you need to walk away if you don't want to facilitate what is going on. Sad to hear there is a 4 year old in the middle of this, poor boy.

Tbh the more I think about it the more I think he should stay with his Mum, all you’re really doing is providing babysitting for both parents when you’re probably the most in need of a break from your child right now.

No no no no no. Up to the parents to care for their children. DO NOT take this on!

It's not your responsibility, no. And it will be difficult and stressful. You're not unreasonable to say it will be too much.

So your partner is going to be working 20 hrs a day, 7 days a week, until at least September? There is no way he can physically survive on what will be less than 4 hours sleep for 5 months. Is his mother aware your partner is basically putting himself out of the picture entirely for 5 months? This hasn't juts snuck up on him- even if it is a high conflict situation with his sons mother, he's been utterly unreasonable not pointing out he won't have any contact with his child for 5 months

I wouldn’t. He’d be coming to see his dad and his dad won’t be there. What’s the point? I’d defo say no, I’m not the unpaid childcare and I’m certainly not a taxi service!

He needs to discuss with Mum

the child lives in two homes and whilst he is living in your home he is the responsibility of his dad. So if dad has to work then he needs to arrange childcare. What mum does in this time is none of your business - she may work/socialise whatever but she should not be assumed to just keep her son when his dad can’t.

when he is arranging childcare for his sons it would be normal to assume he could slot into the family at home (he is part of that family after all) but given the problems you have with your youngest and the extreme hours he is working that’s not a good option either.

i feel sorry for his son and it seems like Mum is going to end up readjusting her life to have her son full time. If that involves her having to pay for childcare then dad will have to pay.

he shouldn’t be putting you in this position and from what other posters have said it sounds like you need to have a good think about whether this relationship is healthy for you and your child

I seem to be reading this differently to others. I think the 20 hours a day are for the next few weeks, which coincides with lambing. After that, she is concerned that he will be in the fields during the day and she will be expected to look after the boy with no easy way to contact anyone in an emergency.

It doesn't sound sustainable. You can't be driving for hours with a baby that hates the car, it will be torture for your child. I would assume that it has been fine for now with less agricultural work in the winter, so your partner has been doing the pick ups, but now expects you to. What happened last year when you were presumably working? Both parents of this child seem to be trying to make him your responsibility. Stand firm.

I think it's unfair on the ss and his mother to stop contact, and so he needs to adjust his working pattern or if you are willing arrange pick ups and drop offs.

The breast feeding is not an issue, just do what you need to do, he can be playing. Don't you feed out and about? It's no different. As for bath time, won't your dp be back by evening? If shifts he can ensure his son baths/showers in the morning.

Jobs aren't 7 days a week suddenly, what was the plan?

Oh and nobody can sustain that many hours for that many months. Something doesn't add up

Yep absolutely. You have a serious problem in the making. You got pregnant incredibly quickly with this man. Waiting, marrying first, would have shown you clearly that you do not like the parent he is. Not only is he not on the same page with parenting, but he will try to pass the child along when it doesn't suit him. I wonder whether this was his intention so you picked up the parenting he couldnt be arsed to do. Why hasnt he sorted his work hours out, as a single father, or wrap around care? Has he just landed on another female to take on parenting around his work so he doesnt have to make any compromises at all? Single fathers seem to have a manual. ‘Find replacement female to do the grunt parenting work. Move fast before she realises you wont.’

none of this is down to the mother so stop making all this about her. These days are your partner’s responsibility, not the mother’s.

he simply cannot work 7 days a week because he isnt a childless man. He will have to tell work no he cannot do that. Apply for flexible working. Whatever it takes. You cannot just ignore the fact you are a parent and take on extra work when you are a single father.

Edited due to realisation that it is currently lambing season: is it is parents farm? Or his farm? How is he so suddenly so far away from his child? Did the mother move away?

but there are other points in your op which are ridiculous. You're uncomfortable feeding a baby in front of a 4 year old is batshit.

Jobs aren't 7 days a week suddenly, what was the plan?
his plan was ‘find new woman to do home role why I carry on as normal’

So is this a new role he's taken on? Just after the birth of his child, and with agreed 2 days pw with his first child?

Or did he always have a job which involved 20 hour days?

What conversations took place about his work hours before making the decision to have children?

What mum does in this time is none of your business - she may work/socialise whatever but she should not be assumed to just keep her son when his dad can’t.

The thing about being a parent is that it is always a FT gig - albeit shared with the other parent.

If the other parent is useless and makes ridiculous plans, then the responsibility will end up falling to you. It’s like a mortgage: jointly and severally liable. If one of you isn’t holding up their end of the bargain, you are going to have to do it anyway.

The other parent having a new partner doesn’t change this. They aren’t just an extension of the parent who is obligated to pick up their responsibilities.

Just as his work wouldn’t get to demand that the OP shows up and does his shift if he fails to show, the ex can’t demand that the OP does the childcare when he let’s her down.

It is not the OP’s problem if the mother works or socialises or whatever. If dad cannot or will not have the child, then it is mum’s responsibility to look after the child.

Is it shit for the mother? Yes. Obviously. But the problem is that her ex decides he’ will be working when he’s supposed to have their child.

Let’s stop pretending that the mother’s non-contact time is sacrosanct and it’s the SM’s problem. This OP is already bearing all the responsibility for the child she had with this man. Sadly the blast radius of his choices affects two women. Don’t make one of those women responsible for his failings.

She would be proving babysitting for the father. The mother at these times has given the child to the child’s father. It is the father who will be requiring the babysitter.

Your biggest issue here is your partners double standards. He’s happy to pull the stepmum card for you to be his free childcare when it’s convenient for him but then tells you that you can’t actually “parent” this child and you have to let him get away with murder.

none of this is down to the mother so stop making all this about her. These days are your partner’s responsibility, not the mother’s.

maybe lecturing the OP about her partner’s bad choices isn’t helpful.

The SC is not her responsibility. He’s her partners.

When he fails to be there, it’s not the OP’s responsibility to pick up the pieces so the child’s mother isn’t inconvenienced.

When my ex lets me down (and he does - regularly), it is my responsibility to my child to be there. Even when it’s horribly inconvenient. It’s not my child’s fault I chose a useless father.

Doesn’t mean it has to be the OP. She doesn’t have to solve this babysitting problem.

Even if that leaves the child’s mother up shit creek.

I wasn’t saying it becomes sm problem - it is clearly dads problem - and if mum is out of pocket because she has to arrange childcare/miss out on work he should pay for that

but in first instance he should be trying to find a solution - not expecting the two women to come up with one for him

How is the ex meant to swap days? What days if he is working 7 days a week?

Those hours can’t be sustainable though. I know farming can be hard but those hours are ridiculous

What happened last year with DSC @Firsttimemum0558