I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

From your update it looks like it isn’t really DSS you resent as much as the general dynamic and particularly his mum. You’re focussing on him rather than how your husband has handled it and you feel incredibly painfully let down by him at your most vulnerable time. He’s had choices and the ones he’s made have damaged your view of him and how much he loves, prioritises and cares for you.

The ex doesn’t owe you anything but your husband does. If you feel he’s let you down significantly, step/blended stuff etc aside, your marriage is broken and that’s not necessarily something you can recover from.

Here another example for you all.

last year we wanted to go abroad for a week. My DS is OBSESSED with planes and has never been on one. So we ask DSS mum can he come to lanzerote for a week (I had spent ages researching hotels and was excited). We were planning for summer holidays so he wouldn’t be missing any school. Anyway She says no because she doesn’t want her son abroad without her and a week is too long without seeing him. Fair enough we say, so we squashed the idea as god forbid we do anything without him and miss contact for a weekend.

anyway in October she decides to pull DSS out of school and take him to turkey for a week. So my poor DS missed out on a holiday because his big brother wasn’t allowed, but yet DSS ended up getting a holiday anyway. Work that one out. How is that fair? So because of DSS and his stupid mother dictating to us my son got 3 nights in wet wales because that’s the only thing she would agree to and then DSS gets swept off to fooking turkey for a week!

and yes I am saying my poor DS, I feel sorry for him in this situation, I’m not being bias but he is a lovely little boy and I feel like he is expected to miss out and settle for whatever crap is left over to save DSS feelings

I feel sorry for your stepson. I suspect if your DH knew how you feel about him, he'd leave - I certainly would if someone felt this way about my child. The irony is if you split and he meets someone else, she may well resent your DC as much as you resent your stepson.

This was horrible and uncomfortable to read. Kids will pick up on somebody disliking them to this extent. How can you feel this about a child but at least you have the foresight to see your feelings as a problem.

Is your DSS with you every weekend @holywow ?

Champagne Blossom is (I suspect) a seasoned SM. Much sense in that post.
I can understand your resentment and it's not unjustified. You and your DS were treated poorly.
But - if you love your DH, this is salvageable. You do need more of a voice though and recognition that both kids are of equal value and DSS shouldn't get special treatment. Second families have to make so many compromises that 1st families do not.
Have a rant on here, but talk this through with your DH and see where you go next.

None of your post at 23:21 is your DSS’s fault!

You and your partner made a terribly poor choice when you decided to move in together less than a year after starting a relationship, when you both already had young children. Truly stupid and selfish of you both.

Now this poor boy is living a chunk of his life with a woman he barely knows, who actually actively HATES him and resents his existence, and even begrudges him the room he sleeps in despite not actually having another child yet to occupy it.

And to top it all off it seems the only reasons you can give for hating this child is due to the actions in the past of his mother?!

no wonder this poor soul needs the reassurance of his dad sleeping in with him every night. If that’s not a major sign of the damage you’re doing, then I don’t know what is.

You need to have a very long hard look at yourself and your behaviour. And you need to move out.

"So because of DSS and his stupid mother dictating to us my son got 3 nights in wet wales because that’s the only thing she would agree to and then DSS gets swept off to fooking turkey for a week!"

Erm 🫤 how on earth is that the fault of an 8 year old?

@holywow both of your latest updates are nothing to do with the poor kid and all to do with his mum pissing about and being demanding.

If you said you can't stand his mum I'd have some sympathy but none of that is the child's fault!

How is any of this his fault 😂😂😂 OP you’re just jealous of ex wife and will do anything to spite her… including hating her poor child.

You’re wrong actually. If I were to have another baby and they end up being poorly in NICU, I would ask my parents to look after my older DS so me and DH can be with our poorly baby in hospital. My DS was very poorly when he was born and we didn’t know what the outcome would be for him for the first 72 hours of his life. So yes In a situation like that, I do think DH should have been by our baby’s incubator with me! And not running round after DSS

It’s ‘biased’ not ‘bias’. But anyway - literally none of this is the eight-year-old’s fault. None of it. That poor kid.

How is that the child's fault?

I’m not jealous of the ex wife. Me and her got on before I got pregnant with my DS. On occasions she would ask me for help with school runs, school holidays/childcare etc and I would always help when I could. She changed her attitude towards me when I got pregnant

Yes he should’ve, but that’s a husband problem, not a stepson problem.

In fact none of what you’ve written is at all his fault, it’s your husband and his ex having both poor and somewhat co-dependant boundaries.

I have sympathy because you sound so unhappy, but nothing is his fault. And the way you talk about a little boy is utterly venomous. It’s actually very difficult to read it’s so cruel.

But everything you are saying is not the fault of the child. The child is not to blame. Yes blame the mother but your anger and dislike is misplaced.

@holywow It seems to me that you actually have a DH problem? I think you need to get some counselling to work through your feelings of resentment of your DSC. I think you might find if you do that it is your DH who is causing you the most problems here. Your resentment is directed to your DSC, when actually it is his Mother who are really angry at . Also it seems to me your DH could be doing far more to help you. He wouldn't go away for a week's holiday with you and your son, because he would miss a weekend of contact? Is that right?

I feel for you, but, you know yourself that the way you feel isn't right, so start with some counselling and see how it goes?

It must've been terrifying when your DS was in the NICU, the fact that your DH left to look after your DSS was not your DSSs fault. If you had an older child (who are usually not allowed to stay overnight at the hospital) your DH would also have had to leave to care for the other child at home.
He always has another DS to think about in every situation. The issues here are with all the parents/adults.

@holywow you seem to have a lot of anger and resentment toward your DSS but this seems to be misdirected. You actually are very angry with your DH, you especially can't forgive him for his lack of support when you were frightened with a new baby.

Holy moly. Were you the OW as well?

All I'm reading is HATE HATE HATE . You seem to have an awful lot of hate for a child OP . You have made him sound like an absoulute monster!

OK, so your DH should have asked his parents (or brother or sister or cousin..) to look after his Ds. He was the parent during that time.

And again, none of it was the poor (at the time) 5 year olds fault.

Indeed @Catsandcuddles and without giving one credible example of this poor child actually doing anything to deserve the hate.

Every single weekend, Friday night through to Sunday night