I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

I think the every weekend is quite gruelling and hard for his mum. Could you switch to every other weekend and one night in the week he goes out for tea with his dad or a longer time in the holidays ( so you could go away)

She wants him with us every weekend 🤯🤯🤯I would never happily send my son away every weekend especially with limited time together during the week due to working

The reasons you seem to hate him so much, seemingly boil down to the actions of his parents. Not sure how that’s fair.

I honestly have no pity for people blindly walking into relationships with people with young children.

Have a bit of self-awareness. You are not cut out for this. I’m not, that’s for certain - and it’s why I’d never go near a man with young children.

The person most negatively impacted by all is the child, who has zero choice and zero options around any of it.

Just leave - and in doing so, do exactly to your child what his parents did to theirs. And then hope to God that your husband’s next wife doesn’t feel like you do about her step-child.

@holywow but why do you have dss every weekend??? does that mean his wife gets every weekend off??

Why should his mother have more than 50/50 residency? Do you see DSS as more hers than DH's? Do you see your own DS that way as well?

A woman he barely knows FFSZ she's been having his there for three quarters of his life. How can he barely know her?

You seem to be blaming DSS for the ex’s behaviour. He just seems to act like a typical older sibling. If you have another child and both your children squabble like siblings do, will you end up hating one of them?

Sometimes as mums we have the blinkers on with our children. Maybe your DS annoys your SC sometimes? Given the way you’ve spoken about this poor child I wouldn’t trust you to see that or trust you to be impartial. This is an 8 year old child you’re talking about, one that seems to HAVE to come to his dad’s every weekend and share attention with a younger sibling. Your DS will have plenty one on time with his dad - he won’t. It sounds like your jealous of your SC for this and angry that he has
the cheek to exist.

Yes she barely sees him. He’s at school during the week then she puts him in bed for 7 then on Fridays he comes to us straight from school then back to his mums Sunday night. And in school holidays we have him a couple extra days or he goes to grandmas

None of this, none of it, is the fault of your stepson. Reread what you just wrote - your problem is with his mother. Stop abusing your stepson right now.

Oh calm down. What’s the difference between saying, “He and his kids come as a package” and “He comes with baggage”? They’re both saying the same thing at the end of the day.

The poor child. He has to compete against a much younger child who is just coming out of toddlerdom.
Not only that, he knows that his step mother hates him.

What other than being a difficult and slightly mean older brother has your DSS done and that to be honest is fairly normal particularly if not handled well

all the other issues are either his mother, your partner or frankly even though I am sure his birth and intensive care was traumatic the fact that your partner had another child he was responsible for

he is 8, acting like an 8 year old. Gove y Pur head a wobble he isn’t the issue the adults are, you, his dad and his mother

I really feel for you OP. It sounds bloody awful. You’re not a monster for feeling this way. I don't think you should leave your DH, he’s not the issue. Like others have said, then you’ll have another little boy from a broken home, what will that achieve? And if you did split up, the ex-wife would be delighted, I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.

I think you need to break the cycle of this every weekend bollox. Make up some excuse as to why DSS can’t come for just one week. Does your DH know how you feel? Would he support you if you told a bit of a porky? Im sure he would if he knew you were contemplating leaving him. I know people will be up in arms at this suggestion but next Thursday why can’t your DH say to his ex ‘Harry can’t come this week, Claire and Freddie have a terrible bug, sickness, diorreah the lot, the last thing I want is for Harry to get it.’ And just have one quiet weekend with the three of you. Six weeks later say you and your DH are going away for the weekend and your parents are having your DS, so Harry will have to be at home with his Mum.

I just think you need to break it up a bit.

OP I think your directing these feelings towards your SS due to how awful of a time you had during the birth of your DS. Your husband is to blame for these feelings. It sounds like he can't put his foot down at times where its going to be detrimental to your family.

It doesn't sound like any of this is your SS fault. It's your husband not being able to say no and grow a bit of a backbone when it comes to his nasty ex. Your SS isn't the one making you not go on holidays. Your husband should have said okay 👍 but we'll be going away and hope he can come on the next one.

I do feel for you OP, I am a step parent also and it's bloody hard to deal with sometimes but it's never the kids fault xx

And then hope your husband's next partner doesn't feel the same way about your son...

holywow · Today 00:15

for those saying I should leave …. I know I should. I have Thought long and hard, I’ve done the calculations, I could afford to live alone and even if I couldn’t I could move to my parents for a while. But like some of you have said, that means my DS would go to his dads at the weekend without me.
firstly, I work Monday - Friday so absolutely no way am I missing my precious time with my ds at the weekend.
secondly, DSS winds him up and teases him, hides his toys, starts stupid play fighting till then my DSS ends up in tears, shouts at him when he finds him annoying etc. I would hate for that to be happening when I’m not there to intervene

Yes you should. Leave now. You are damaging an innocent child when your real problem is with his parents. You are the epitome of a wicked stepmother.

All of your updates are about his mum's behaviour not his. Your title says you can't stand him, but you've said yourself this all started with her behaviour, so it feels like you're projecting all of this anger and frustration on him. That really isn't fair on him at all. You need to try and separate the two things - you obviously had a good relationship with him, so try and get back there. None of this is his fault, the poor kid.

It really does sound as though your resentment is of his mum yet your dislike is directed at your SS.

As much as you wish it was different, your child is not an only child, or a first born. He is the second child in the family. That doesn’t mean he gets leftovers, it means he has to share, like any second or subsequent child and just like a firstborn has to when a sibling arrives.

Imagine you didn’t have your parents to turn to and you had two kids. If one of them gets sick and is in hospital then you and DH need to divide and conquer. One parent per child. You wouldn’t resent the existence of the other child you’d just get on with it like millions of families do. I was going through cancer treatment and one of my kids had a burst appendix. Do you think I was angry at DC that DH needed to be in hospital with him instead of at a different hospital with me? And my DD16 was at home alone! Again not her brother’s fault, just how it was and we dealt with it. Life isn’t always perfect.

You need to change your mindset (with the help of therapy) and start valuing this little boy or he’s going to grow up with two families who see him as a burden. Imagine your mother always wanting to get rid and then your SM makes it clear she hates you too. If you don’t have the maturity to change then you need to leave.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable per se… but this is exactly why I never considered a man with children from previous relationship as a suitable partner for me. No way.

children can be assholes. Yes, I said it. They can be. I can deal with my asshole kid but I wouldn’t want to deal with any other persons asshole child.

If you don't like the child from the get-go, don't move in with their parent

The child isn't the problem, you're husband is. Our house, our rules, no negotiations. Give kids am inch and they take a mile. I'd guess this child wants boundaries and structure and he's not been given it. The single line "when you are in this house you are part of this family and we all follow the same rules". This immediately tells him he is part of the family which helps him feel wanted and allows you set the framework for your family.

So the problem isn't the child.

It's his mother. And your husband for not standing up to her?

OP being a stepparent is hard. I've two stepdaughters. One has just turned 10 and she's definitely got hormones kicking in or something as she's become quite hard work. She mainly takes it out on her sister who is 7. It's difficult but that's just kids for you. They grow and change and do your head in sometimes. My 14 year old daughter was /is exactly the same.

The way I see it is that we have a huge responsibility to that stepchild. They live between two houses by no fault if their own. You choose to enter that situation as a step parent so you have to step up and see them through the different stages of life. That doesn't change when you have your own child. You do sound like you are trying to find things that he's doing wrong to justify your feelings when all he is doing is being an 8 year old. This is his childhood, it won't last forever and it's a really important time for him now. It is hard I know but you are the adult here. If you think your hostility is showing and impacting on him and you can't change it then you do need to leave.

Wishing you all the best 💐

Oh and I agree with what others have said in that the every weekend thing really needs to change!