I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

Why is she calling all the shots?

Is there a court agreement? If not, why not?

Where do you expect your dss to sleep if he wouldn't have his own room if you had a second child? On the sofa? This issue honestly makes it seem like you resent his very existence. He doesn't deserve that. You are the adult and he is a young child. You had control in creating this situation and he had none.

I suspect she saw what was coming and your attitude changed.
You really don't get it do you.
All these "and another thing...."
Listen to what's been said. DSS is NOT having the perfect life and your DS being left with the 'crumbs'.
DSS does not live with both parents. His DSM actively dislikes and resents him. His DB is treated differently. He is blamed for a situation he did not cause.
You should never have married someone with a child. I suspect YOU were the Disney step mum and now you're the wicked witch.

Please leave. But beware whoever DH ends up with and hope they are more accepting of DS than you were of DSS.

Your 2/3 year old child was not hard done by for not getting to go abroad this summer. At least admit that you are pissed off for yourself rather than trying to hide behind a toddler who would barely have any concept of a sunny holiday abroad.

Heaven forfend that this boy should spend 3 days a week with his father.

You sound utterly selfish, spiteful and childish OP.

Every example you’ve given so far isn’t the fault of your stepson - it’s the fault of his mother, and possibly your DH for allowing her to call all the shots. But you think it’s ok to hold a small boy responsible? Frankly it says a lot about your husband that he that he hasn’t left YOU given the way you agree with his child because I would never, ever let anyone who was like this about my child be anywhere near them.
I hope when he re partners again he chooses someone a lot kinder to your son, hey?

I honestly have no pity for people blindly walking into relationships with people with young children.

Have a bit of self-awareness. You are not cut out for this. I’m not, that’s for certain - and it’s why I’d never go near a man with young children.

This bit 1000 times over. So many people walk into relationships with people with children and then act horrified when the children are in their lives. I mean what did you expect? The only person I pity is the kids at the receiving end of the bitterness because let’s face it, it’s not actually the child’s fault is it.

Have you thought about going to therapy to work through and reframe some of your thoughts?
I think what you’ve got to come to terms with is that your husband has a responsibility to look after his son. He’s not doing anyone a favour. He can’t just drop that responsibility when it suits. You say if you had more than one child you’d get relatives to look after one so you could be with the other. Well you can do that just the same with the ss? But it’s your responsibility to organise and if you can’t you need to work around the childcare. Just the same as a child of your own. He appears to be at his mums 5 nights a week so it’s not as if she’s not contributing, there’s no reason she needs to step in as babysitter when you want. You wouldn’t expect that of anyone else, or of work, or of childcare? It’s unfortunate she wouldn’t let him go on holiday but she’s not duty bound to change established contact to facilitate this. You do have options- 5 night trip abroad, a longer trip abroad but husband flies back earlier, holiday in uk (including a flight if you like). It’s natural to feel differently about ss and your own child but your obvious resentment isn’t healthy. You can’t have the same life as you could have if your husband didn’t have other children. His care is a responsibility and not optional, you just need to accept that as will need looking after every weekend and work around it

Well "baggage" would be more honest here. This boy is certainly "baggage" as far as OP is concerned, indeed "excess baggage"

Perhaps if she'd realised the man came with "baggage" she might have thought twice before getting involved.

Is the every weekend thing because you live a distance away from him and his school so can’t have him in the week?

If so, the child certainly should not have his time with his Dad reduced by half so 4 days instead of the current paltry 8 days a month! Cannot believe posters would suggest that tbh! Way to make the poor kid feel even more rejected and his Mum left doing even more of the grunt work while working too.

OP, I cannot believe you’re blaming your SS or his mum for not going on a plane holiday. If she wasn’t comfortable with her 7 year old going abroad without her, that’s her quite reasonable perogative. You could have just told his Mum you’re going and if she refused to let him go with you, you should have agreed alternative arrangements for SS for the weekend you were away.

It’s no surprise you have felt like this since having your own DC, natural protection instincts kick in, tiny baby and what seems like a big grown up child even though he was only 5. I can understand your wanting your DH with you in the NICU for 72 hours straight as well but if you’d had other DC (which he did). he’d have had to leave to do stuff for them at some point.

The fact this unjustifiable resentment has turned into you not being able to stand your SS 3 years later is totally on you though.

You’re making him your scapegoat and I agree that the poor little boy likely wants to sleep with his Dad as he doesn’t feel safe and secure in your home probably because he’s picking up on your hate.

Be honest with your DH about your feelings for him.

Hopefully he’ll do the right thing and tell you to leave, and make a better choice of stepmum for both of his and your DC in the future. He can have them both on the weekends. They may get along better when they’re not picking up on your jealousy and resentment anyway. Your DS will soon pick up on the way you feel about his brother too if he hasn’t already.

You might not be so judgemental about SS’s mum having weekends free when you’ve been single parenting and working all week yourself.

Your DH needs to sort the Ex-Wife issues out.

Firstly, would week on - week off be possible. You may find DSS settles better on longer stints. You would also get a full weekend back Eow.

Secondly - your DH should be arranging contact a year in advance, with clearly set (in-writing) agreement about holiday dates, contact dates/times, overseas holiday expectations.

Thirdly, you should NEVER need to talk to his ex. That is not your responsibility.

This little boy is a casualty of his father's piss poor organisational skills. I would lay down the law on the minimum you feel will be in the best interests of all. I think deep down you know it's not your DSS at fault.

Your DH needs to step up for you all.

OP, if you really feel that way, and are unable to change your attitude, then your blending of family has failed and you need to move out. There is no shame in that but you cannot spend another decade feeling this way. You will do untold damage.

It will allow you, your dss and your own child to live in happy relaxed environments.

OP are you actually blaming an 8 year old child for everything? Shame on you!!!!!

EVERY weekend?

That's not helpful. I think OP can't see the wood for the trees and feels like a pawn.

If her DH had any wits about himself he could easily sort this out. It is is HIS responsibility - rather than sit back and watch a shit show unfold.

That's what I was surprised by. Actually going 50/50 sounds like a good plan. You can have EO weekend to yourselves and a week long holiday. Probably more stable for the DSC too ( assuming you treat him with kindness) . I think a court would approve this plan if there aren't long distances involved. It's an idea for you DH to think about anyway, maybe speak to a lawyer.

This.

That poor child. His home should be a place of safety and love.

End your marriage and get help.

Do you know from everything you wrote it sounds like you’re projecting your resentment towards your DH and his Ex unto him. He sounds like a normal 8 yo child and yes, he may be annoying, but the root of your contention does seem to be them.

You need to talk to your DH, and get some counselling and if it doesn’t help then end your marriage.

I don't think you need to leave necessarily, it sounds redeemable if you take the right steps. I think you sound seriously ground down and disappointed with how family life has turned out after putting in so much love ans effort when he was small. But you are mistakenly placing that at the feet of a child. I wonder if you had therapy to process how you're feeling, and had some marriage counseling with some very open and honest conversations, and maybe DH takes the next couple of weekends to go away with DSS... You could process all this trauma, find some better ways of coping and give both these little boys the loving family unit they both deserve. Do you really want your hateful feelings towards your son's big brother to be the reason his parents don't live togther any more? I know you wouldn't tell him that, but you'd know it. And it fear you would regret this down the line.

@ChiefEverythingOfficer well maybe she should have spoken to her husband about this 3 years ago rather than hating on a child! She's a bloody adult and has blamed the child for everything. Poor little boy

Especially since the boy's own mother obviously doesn't want him around for quality time unless OP and her DH want to take him on a vacation. THEN she claims she'll miss the son she spends less than 20 hours a week with normally.

@holywow --as other's have said, you have a DH problem and an ex-wife problem. If anything, you need to be more loving and caring to your DSS as I am sure it doesn't escape his attention that his mother spends very little quality time with him. Be the mother he needs in his life and not an extension of his BM.
If you look upon him as a little boy who needs love, boundaries, acceptance and attention, your attitude will change. All children squabble, so your DSS is totally normal and soon enough, your DS will be 8-years-old, and you will see how they can get. His other actions need to be addressed by his DF and that's where you both need to get some guidance. Your DH saying "No" and putting boundaries is a way to show his older DS that he loves him and your DH needs to learn that.
You need to get counselling with your DH so you can be on the same page. He needs to stand up to his ex and stop letting her call the shots in your life. If she doesn't allow her son go on vacation with you, your child and your DH, then you need to be able to go and when she says, "DSS needs to be at your house for the weekend", your DH needs to tell her that she isn't the boss of your lives. She needs to allow DSS to go or put up with the results. You know it isn't because of quality time with her son that she is being bossy. She's just a %itch, trying to flex her muscle, and so far, getting away with it.

Why is it, that once again the bloke gets off scott-free and the woman picks up all the wife-work.

Arghhh so irritating, these men who feign inability to deal with situations that just need a forthright, no-nonsense approach. Including lawyers if necessary.

I blame the DH here. He let this happen because he is either too bone-idle to address it, or he is scared of his ex wife. Pathetic that a little boy is in the middle of this.

Poor kid is totally rejected by his mum, very weird arrangement there, now you're rejecting him too. You're more of a mum to him than she is! No weekends. Wtaf?

So what if it's every weekend?

So the mum spends time from 3.30 to 7 Mon to thurs, a short time in the morning and Sunday at bedtime. No quality time with mum at all.