I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

my dh is my 3 year olds dad ? Is that not clear?

You probably need to leave, but then be aware that your DC will then become the "stepchild" ... think about that. It's understandable if the DSC is a brat, but it sounds like you just don't like them being around because of your DC. I think you probably need some therapy, but definitely leave if you continue to feel like this. It will be very damaging for everyone

Yes, not unusual.

She changed her attitude to you because suddenly her child’s father will be focussing in the child of another woman. She had a tiger mum instinct.

Meanwhile, you changed your feelings about your SS because suddenly he wasn’t sweet little xx, he was the child taking some of the attention from your DH that you wanted for your own child .

You and the ex are both fighting for resources and attention for your own children, in competition with the other’s child!

Sorry op but you are out of order - you chose to have a relationship with someone who already had a child. Your dss is part of the package, end of. Your family includes him whether you like it or not and he is equally important to your dp.

Either leave your dp or accept your dd is your family

Think you might have the timelines a bit wrong here.

The bile and venom dripping from your posts is really off putting, given that the target is an 8yo child, but people are really trying to give you balanced advice. You need counselling - lots of it - to work on how you process stress and manage anger. You are blaming the only other person in this situation who has less control over it than you do - why is that? Why is it DSS you despise, and not the adults who are actually shortchanging you?

Take some responsibility for your situation. DSS (and his mother) are an integral feature of this relationship, this family, this set-up for you. If anything happens to his mother, your DH will have full custody and your DS will have a full time sibling - could you cope with that, or would your uncontrolled resentment make it poisonous for everyone? Your DS suffers from your stewing in misery like this as well, he's old enough to be picking up on the unhealthy dynamic.

Think seriously about whether you might be better off outside this family, with your DS visiting his father and brother for contact (ie without you). If you can't sort out this visceral dislike of the child, you really shouldn't be around him; and he isn't going away.

Then again when my DS was born and was in NICU and the ex told my DH she still expected him to pick DSS up and she didn’t give a toss our new baby was in intensive care because it was our turn to have DSS. And again when DS had to be admitted to hospital with breathing problems and MIL telling dh that he needed to leave hospital to collect DSS before he has another meltdown and the ex wife boots off.
that was when I started to think, why on earth are step children more important EVEN in these circumstances????

How is any of that the 8 year olds fault!!@holywow you are being precious over your child, your DH still has another son and duties towards him no matter what else is going on. I get your point about NICU as my son was in there when he was born, but that is not your step sons fault that your DH wasn't there , you must realise that?

Christ alive. You need to leave and get out of that poor child's life.

Sad but true in this case.

If you want to continue with your marriage perhaps you need to discuss all of this with a counsellor who may be able to help you navigate your way through this. At the moment it really does sound very toxic especially for the child in question which is so unfair. The child has done nothing wrong whatsoever but your feelings have changed. Nothing is going to change the fact that you have a DSS or that your DH has a child from a previous relationship. So the only thing that can change is your feelings about it all, or not.

I totally get how annoying this is, but do you genuinely think it was the fault of the child? Surely, if you read it back and look at it objectively you can see it was a combination of DSS's mother and father who created this problem.

I doubt DSS wanted to spend three days in rainy Wales anymore than you and your DS did. I imagine he'd have loved a holiday in Lanzarote. Shame his mum wouldn't let him go. Real shame that your DH doesn't have the backbone to stand up and do the right thing. I bet you're hoping that's not genetic?!

And same for the NICU story. It's your DH isn't it? He should have said no and been at the hospital. But he didn't. Because he's weak-willed. Or because he doesn't care about you and your DS enough. Not the 8 year olds fault though and you know that.

He's 8 and your child is 3 so you must have got with his dad when the boy was a similar age to yours is now.

Poor boy was probably just getting used to his mum and dad splitting up when along comes a new baby.

Lots of nasty exes on here tonight but you take the cake.

I'm not going to comment on your post as it is beyond words but I would suggest that your DH get the custody arrangements changed to EOW plus a dinner/ overnight the same EOW if at all possible.
Also you can go on holiday without your dsc and without his mums approval. It's up to your DH if he is happy to do that. If you change the arrangements you could go for almost 2 weeks and your DSC would be not be impacted at all. Obviously play it down when you see him next. Then take him along on the next holiday.

The hatred for an innocent 8 year old who appears to have done nothing wrong except to exist is quite horrible.
How would you feel if someone who was put in a position of trust in your sons life felt like that about him.
You need to rapidly sort yourself out.

I think your frustrations and anger are seriously misplaced. All of this is because your DH has refused to put in boundaries with his ex and to effectively discipline his child. Some of this is typical 8 year old behaviour because he is pushing boundaries and your DH needs to draw a firm line of where that is and stick to it. He needs to manage his expectations with regards to him getting gifts, staying in his own bed and not behaving that way to his younger brother. At 8 he is old enough to know this sort of behaviour towards any other child is unacceptable. I’ve never understood people who allow shit behaviour from and towards siblings to go on just because they happen to have the same parent(s). It wouldn’t be tolerated at school. It’s your husbands job to stop it from happening, you avoid all conflicts from DSS mother if you allow him to handle it. I’d be telling him in no uncertain terms that he pulls his finger out and sorts it or he will be parenting both his DS every weekend on his own. Next time take your DS on holiday on his own, it’s not your fault his mums awkward. Let your DH have communications with her and refuse to listen to any of his whinging about her because he’s bought it on himself. Clear consequences for both his mother and his son are what’s needed and well overdue by the sounds of it. You need to explain to him exactly how you’re struggling to cope with the lack of boundaries and routine his DS has and that it’s got to the point you’re considering a divorce.

I don't see how you can carry on in this situation where you have so much anger towards a young child who is dealing with a situation where his parents have separated, he lives between 2 homes and sounds like he is just seeking love and acceptance.

Yes, your DS will then become potentially become a step child too, and maybe you'll be the martyr step mum who volunteers to take your child back when there's a crisis with your partner's new child and he makes the decision to disappoint your DS by prioritising his new child over your DS.

Will you always feel like your DS is second best in that situation? Well that's how his ex wife and your step son probably currently feel.

My DS was extremely unwell in ICU a few years ago. We have 2 children. There were many times when DH was at home with our DD, maintaining some normality for her, while I was with DS in ICU. Never once did I resent him for prioritising DD over our DS. And yes we did have family who would have helped out (and who did help out in other ways, making meals etc) but it was important to look after both kids in that situation.

As for the Lanzarote situation, I'd have gone for 5 days if there was no other way to resolve the situation, it sort of sounds like you cut off your nose to spite your face, when there were clearly other ways to make the most of the situation

This. It's giving evil stepmother vibes

for those saying I should leave …. I know I should. I have Thought long and hard, I’ve done the calculations, I could afford to live alone and even if I couldn’t I could move to my parents for a while. But like some of you have said, that means my DS would go to his dads at the weekend without me.
firstly, I work Monday - Friday so absolutely no way am I missing my precious time with my ds at the weekend.
secondly, DSS winds him up and teases him, hides his toys, starts stupid play fighting till then my DSS ends up in tears, shouts at him when he finds him annoying etc. I would hate for that to be happening when I’m not there to intervene

Your husband's next wife will feel the same amount of venom towards you and your child that you feel towards his current ex.
I do wonder how he's going to be able to juggle three women, two children and probably another one, though.

I think people are being hard on the OP. Clearly she resents the situation and what the child represents rather than the child himself.

The poor SC isn’t fully part of the OPs family because of the ex partner not relinquishing control to dad.
Things like not being able to take a holiday because of SC are ridiculous. The dad should be able to take his child away for a holiday of his choosing or the child can stay home with mum.

I think the situation could be improved with less but longer stays. Like the children whose parent live a long way from each other.

And you want another child ? Sharing bedrooms is the least of your worries. Most siblings argue , if you can't deal with this between your Ds and Dss then think twice about having another child

I wasn’t the other woman they were divorced when we met. They split up when DSS was a couple months old

So what is your plan? At the moment you don't have one, do you, you are just lashing out because you find the situation intolerable but won't consider the only option you have for changing it.

I think subconsciously you are hoping DSS will just go away, lose interest, stop coming. That would solve your problem. I suspect that is at the root of your hostility towards him. It isn't going to happen, you can't wish a child away, so you are going to HAVE to find some way of coming to terms with it, or leave.

Seriously. Therapy. And do think about how you will cope if your DH ends up with full residency at some point. It happens more than you think.