I know my stepmum felt this way about me. I don’t think I was a bad child, I was very quiet & bookish but with hindsight my dad was useless & when me & my sibling visited (not often, summer holidays for a week, half of Easter, every other Christmas) he’d just expect her to fully parent, on top of their shared children and there were quite a few of us. He’d leave early morning & get back late night & she did it all. He used to let me stay up late to ‘spend time with me’ and this was probably her desperately needed downtime & no matter how quiet or well behaved I’m sure she didn’t want a kid in her space 24/7. But she took it out on the wrong person really. If you’re not at the stage where you’re bitching about his mum in front of him, telling your DS that daddy loves DSS more etc etc then there’s still time to change direction.
the bedrooms - it sucks, it does, I do understand, how you feel. But this is an IF - you don’t have a second DC yet. If he’s there every weekend he DOES need space but I’d suggest if there’s going to be two resident children, DSS should take the box room.
why is he with you every weekend - does mum literally never have weekend quality time, for her benefit as much as his? Is there any chance of mum having 1 in 3 weekends or even 1 in 4? Just this small amount of time to decompress would help you.
It’s an irritating age; I have DSC myself. I didn’t birth them so I don’t have the benefit of finding them endlessly adorable, fascinating and wonderful. There’s been times I’ve cried with frustration over their behaviour. Your own DSC won’t be half as annoying to you at the same age.
if you’re going to stay married, something has to give. It’s very hard but you must try to be objective, at the end of the day he is only a little boy, your DCs brother. Resentment of him will in turn cause your DH to resent you. Perspective is everything. Please try to imagine how you would feel if someone detested your own DC, it’s probably difficult to imagine because to you they are perfect & this is how it feels for DH.
a high conflict mum can really add to the situation but the one thing I can promise is that no matter how ghastly mum can be, how much the kids can drive me mad, how frustrated I am with picking up their shit & refereeing their squabbles & only having kid centric holidays and all the rest of it, these kids I can guarantee would say they have never felt unwelcome or unwanted in my home. There’s times I have to fake it til I make it but ultimately I have 3 things I always remember:
they are innocent in all this. There’s no way they’d have chosen for their parents to split up & for mum & dad to both meet someone new
if I’m upset or frustrated it’s ultimately with the grown ups. Their parents, who are responsible for them & their slobby little ways. Their parents who crate the conflict.
this isn’t forever. There WILL come a time where the grind eases, one day they will be grown & I will get my house back & wont be finding grotty pants tucked behind sofa cushions etc. maybe mum will still be sending me shitty texts way into the kids 30s telling me how she is the best and we are the worst, but I’m optimistic even for that.
this has got long winded but my point is, this IS manageable. You will survive it if you want to, but you have to address your anger at the right place & it’s not to a little boy.