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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

444 replies

hullabalooyou · 14/08/2023 18:24

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

OP posts:
Mezta2017 · 14/08/2023 20:26

I think it's awful.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/08/2023 20:26

YourNameGoesHere · 14/08/2023 19:54

Not an alien but yes it's unusual and I'd say it's even more unusual to know that you don't become fod of other people's kids but then actively pursue a relationship with someone who has children who you must know will get attached to you.

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Yes, this.

I mean, they are your children's siblings. Does that mean nothing?

I am far from one to say that women should feel maternal and self-sacrificing about every child who crosses their path, but it's beyond cold to be indifferent to these people when you've been in their lives so intimately and for so long. You chose to marry their father.

itwasntmetho · 14/08/2023 20:26

I'd feel the same. I was a nanny for years, I spent more alone time with kids than their own parents did and I never looked back when I'd left a job.

It's easy to be loving whilst not actually loving a child to that depth. It's a job, you are taking a role, as long as you're warm and kind when they are there then you are doing well.

Neonyellowfish · 14/08/2023 20:26

I wouldn’t make any effort to see my dsd if we split up and Iv been in her life since she was 1! She’s now in her teens. I just don’t have that bond and I’m not bothered.

I have two kids of my own (half siblings to dsd) that I spend my time looking after who mean the world to me so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on any form of adult/child relationship.

SemperIdem · 14/08/2023 20:26

Winnipeggy · 14/08/2023 19:25

What about if he died?

I know you’re not asking me but I’ll answer.

If he died, then I’d attempt to stay in contact but their mother is combative at the best of times, so I’d be relying on her allowing their paternal grandparents to see them and me seeing them during that time. Which is far from guaranteed. I think they’d have to go to court for it.

Pearlhavingherfifth · 14/08/2023 20:26

When i met with my stepdaughter she was 10.We became the best friends,and we are still,i am her second mother,and she calls me for advice and questions every time.I love her so much and she loves me as well.Now she is adult and its still like a mother and daughter relationship.And yes,she has her own mother and yes i have 5 other children.I believe you can love someone else child like yours.I am very lucky to have her,and wish you to try and open your heart to love your stepchildren.

Betafeta · 14/08/2023 20:29

Totally agree OP. I have been with my ex partner 3.5 years, living together 18 months and we have separated, I move out this week and won’t be seeing his DC again. Too confusing for all, they are both under 10, my children are adults and no shared DC so why would I?

Clean break for all.

Nellieinthebarn · 14/08/2023 20:29

All of our children are adults now so if they wanted to remain in contact I would do so. I would be sad if I lost all contact with them, because they are nice people, but not broken hearted if they chose not to.

MrsMarzetti · 14/08/2023 20:30

So you wouldn't want your children to stay in touch with their siblings ? I have 3 step children ( all adults) and step Grandchildren ( ever called that, always Grandchildren) and i would be heartbroken if i never saw them again. I married my Husband and took on his family as he did mine. My DH even stays with my son or daughter depending which part of the country he has business in. My Daughters children adore him and have a much better relationship with him than they do with my daughters father.

Sureaseggs44 · 14/08/2023 20:30

I think it’s sad and do struggle to see how you don’t form a bond . I know someone who had a step daughter for 7 years and actually she was at the house 75% of the time . When they split she never saw her again ( she went off the rails btw) . Is a step mother a bit like a mother as well ? How can you just switch that off ? Not even to be like friends ?

Threenow · 14/08/2023 20:35

I really don't know why people marry someone who has children. If you aren't willing to at least try to bond with them maybe it's best to back off right at the start. No wonder there are so many messed up kids.

DameCurlyBassey · 14/08/2023 20:35

AlfietheSchnauzer · 14/08/2023 19:03

Bloody hell. My bloody just ran cold reading this and a couple of the comments. I presume OP & PP dislike animals too, right?

I bet they would all be heartbroken if it was a dog they couldn’t see again rather than dsc. This thread is depressing if you are feeling a bit jaded about the way people can sometimes treat each other.

adviceneeded1990 · 14/08/2023 20:37

Honestly, I think it’s horrific. I’m a stepmum and it’s not always easy and not perfect but I’d be utterly broken if she wasn’t in my life, I’ve been with her dad since she was two, married since she was four. You’ve been with your step kids since they were almost as young and you’d be ok with never seeing them again? They deserve better IMO.

Utereusbegone · 14/08/2023 20:37

Bubop · 14/08/2023 20:25

I find it bizarre that anyone could spend years as a stepparent and not want to see them again if their relationship ended. How can you not have bonded with children that share your home (at least some of the time)?

Well some children are absolutely awful to be around, some are ok to be around and others are delightful. I guess it depends where on that spectrum they fall, which is also heavily influenced by their mother and her behaviour and thoughts around her exes new relationship in many cases

Is it really that hard for people to believe that some step parents would be a million times happier if they never had to see some step children again? You only need to look at this board to see how awful some step children can be, and yes they are children but why would you put up with it if you don't have to anymore?

I'm not suggesting this is the OP but for some it would be.

EweGotToGrooveIt · 14/08/2023 20:41

I think this is partly why blended families get such a bad rep.

Regardless of whether or not it is normal for the adults, it cannot be healthy for children to have adults play a significant role in their lives and then just vanish. It may be better for that adult never to have been there to start with.

I am just glad my own step parents are entirely different. I've known them since I was 10 and 19 and I will 100% continue to see, help and support them after my parents die - as both are likely to do before their new (and younger) partners.

I really do not believe they would cut me out their lives either.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 14/08/2023 20:43

@hullabalooyou - I think you were brave to post this, and I think from an evolutionary perspective this is natural, even if it is unpopular to admit it. On the other hand, I think it's also quite telling that you outright wouldn't want to see them again, and I think part of that will be about the individual circumstances of your relationship - and none of us knows anything about that.

I have a step-son. I have known him for nearly his whole life, and he is an adult. Though I have a different relationship with him than I have with my son, I would want to maintain contact, for all our sakes. But I would want this knowing full-well I wasn't his mum; and no doubt he would be aware of this too.

Purplerain0505 · 14/08/2023 20:44

I would probably feel the same as you and I’d find it unusual if a couple split and they still saw their step children.

tillytoodles1 · 14/08/2023 20:46

My daughter met her exH when his children were 6 and 4. We treated them like our own grandchildren, they called us Nanny and Grandad, and my daughter looked after them like her own.
Her H had an affair so she divorced him 10 yrs ago and we haven't seen them since.

Neonyellowfish · 14/08/2023 20:47

DameCurlyBassey · 14/08/2023 20:35

I bet they would all be heartbroken if it was a dog they couldn’t see again rather than dsc. This thread is depressing if you are feeling a bit jaded about the way people can sometimes treat each other.

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To be honest I’d be far more upset about never seeing my dog again then never seeing my dsd again!

MhairiLynette · 14/08/2023 20:48

If DH and I split up I would be upset if I didn’t see my DSC again as I have been in their lives for 7 years. DSD is 13 now and my eldest DSS is 12 so they are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to see me again. It is odd you wouldn’t want to see them again especially as you are the mother of one of their siblings. DH and I have no shared children.

Drivingmecrazydizzy · 14/08/2023 20:49

I have 3 dsds and couldn’t imagine life without them! They are 16, 15, 14. Me and dh been together since they were 4,3 and 2. We share 4 as well as them and I have 3 ds from a previous. I love my dsds as if they are my own and treat them no different to my own. I don’t understand how you can be so cold to children who have been in your life and you have watched grow. They are a part of your children not just random kids on the street. Having step children is one of the perks in a second relationship

Utereusbegone · 14/08/2023 20:49

I have an amazing adult step daughter and there is no way I'd want to lose touch if me and her dad split, but I can totally understand why some people would happily shut the door behind them

And as for 'but they are your child's half siblings', yes they are but that is a relationship for their combined parent to facilitate

HalfwayToMyMamasHome · 14/08/2023 20:50

I don’t think it will matter. Most kids I know that have step parents that feel as you do (it’ll come through to them) aren’t interested in them anyway. They’re unlikely to be bothered that dads ex doesn’t want to see them if you split. You won’t be important to them, in the same way they’re not important to you,

Whilst I understand step parents aren’t going to really love their step kids in many cases, I think it’s awful that children are having to live with adults who don’t deeply care about them though. Children should live with people that love and care for them and often their parents (and other adults) selfish choices means they don’t.

I think step parents seem to enjoy having these conversations too, like they enjoy shocking people. Some things are best left unsaid and just do what you need to do if ever the time comes. I guess there’s no enjoyment in that for you though.

BeeLievable · 14/08/2023 20:50

I'd be gutted if I couldn't see some of my close friends kids again never mind step kids.

Eddyraisins · 14/08/2023 20:50

I have just driven 5 hours to see my Ex SD at uni. I took my dd

Had dd not existed I probably wouldn't have gone. I would have liked to stay in touch but who knows what would have happened.