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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

444 replies

hullabalooyou · 14/08/2023 18:24

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

OP posts:
Pemba · 14/08/2023 19:49

It's pretty cold and a bit surprising really since they have been in your life since they were little. I thought most people find it easy to become fond of little kids, especially if you see them regularly? I could understand a bit more if they were teenagers at the beginning of your relationship with their father.

Do you have nieces and nephews, how do you feel about them? Equally indifferent?

CornishGem1975 · 14/08/2023 19:50

I think it's realistic. If I divorced, would I be arranging to see my stepchildren? Doubtful, and I don't think they'd be bothered either. Don't get me wrong, we all get along just fine but I'm not emotionally tied to them, and they're not to me either.

HorsePlatitudes · 14/08/2023 19:51

Yeah it’s bloody awful

CornishGem1975 · 14/08/2023 19:51

I thought most people find it easy to become fond of little kids, especially if you see them regularly?

Good lord, I must be an alien or something but I've never found it possible to become that fond of other people's kids!

Serendipitoushedgehog · 14/08/2023 19:53

arethereanyleftatall · 14/08/2023 18:52

I would feel the same. And so, because of that, I wouldn't go out with someone who had young kids, as I don't think it's fair on them.

I always felt the same. Just know I wouldn’t have it in me to love someone else’s kids.

messycupboard · 14/08/2023 19:54

If you didn't have shared DC I might understand but you do. These are your DC siblings? You'd happily never see again ?
That's awful, and would be really poor message for your own children.

YourNameGoesHere · 14/08/2023 19:54

CornishGem1975 · 14/08/2023 19:51

I thought most people find it easy to become fond of little kids, especially if you see them regularly?

Good lord, I must be an alien or something but I've never found it possible to become that fond of other people's kids!

Not an alien but yes it's unusual and I'd say it's even more unusual to know that you don't become fod of other people's kids but then actively pursue a relationship with someone who has children who you must know will get attached to you.

inky1991 · 14/08/2023 19:57

I think that's weird. Surely you have some attachment?

Floofydawg · 14/08/2023 20:00

CornishGem1975 · 14/08/2023 19:50

I think it's realistic. If I divorced, would I be arranging to see my stepchildren? Doubtful, and I don't think they'd be bothered either. Don't get me wrong, we all get along just fine but I'm not emotionally tied to them, and they're not to me either.

Yep same here and also answers the PP who asked me what if they'd want to still see me? The reality is that they wouldn't. They come to see their dad, not me. And that's fine.

LylaLee · 14/08/2023 20:02

I was a nanny for a year 20 years ago. I didn't keep in touch but I still think about the children sometimes.

If they had been my actual stepchildren for 6 years, primary school age, to have no affection at all seems cold-blooded.

Frazzled2108 · 14/08/2023 20:04

You obviously haven't formed any bond or connection with them which is very sad. And yes, I think you sound cold.

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 14/08/2023 20:05

I was devastated at the thought of not seeing DSC again after we split (strangely enough roughly same ages when we met and roughly same time frame on splitting) and I didn't get to see them for a couple of years. Now they are mid teens I see one again by their choice. (In my case Mum said I wasn't allowed to see them anymore as I wasn't with their Dad. The one I see sneaks to see me because even now their Mum is still the same, hated me from the beginning despite being remarried).

BUT it wasn't separate parenting as you've described. All children treated equally in our house while they were here and shared parenting.

That being said I guess it's down to your particular family relationship.

I find it very sad if I'm being honest if children have been in your life a long time, but I also find it very sad that step parents can give so much then have the SC taken out their life as you have no rights. So sometimes I get that it is self preservation.

Livinghappy · 14/08/2023 20:07

@LylaLee As a nanny you may have had more day to say contact and influence over the children which leads to a bond.

Step parenting can be very complex..Disney dads, defensive ex (mums of children) and step children being hostile so that the step-mum can't get involved/bond. In the very best of blended families there is a balance but its not that common.

OsirisservesAnubis · 14/08/2023 20:10

I'm really surprised at this, and a lot of the responses. I could understand at an older age, but not when you've known them since so young.

My best friend has shared custody of her step child with her exH, and my ex BIL sees my niece (not his biological child) when he sees his bio kids.

CornishGem1975 · 14/08/2023 20:13

Not an alien but yes it's unusual and I'd say it's even more unusual to know that you don't become fod of other people's kids but then actively pursue a relationship with someone who has children who you must know will get attached to you.

Doesn't mean I don't like them @YourNameGoesHere and I don't think they are that attached to me. They barely say hello when they come in the house but we all rub along just fine. Their mum won't have my name mentioned in the house and she blocks me on their phones (I was NOT the OW before someone says it) so that doesn't really help the relationship.

mathanxiety · 14/08/2023 20:14

It's quite a cut and dried position on your part. I can see why your friend is surprised.

I know a young woman in her early twenties whose favourite person on earth is 'grandma Lucy', who was her grandfather's second wife (he's now on wife number 4). Grandma Lucy was a much loved figure in the life of this young woman's mother, as was her own mother - stepmother Lucy didnt take her place - and is closer to all the family than they are to her former husband.

I think family connections enrich our lives. They're not a millstone.

Ellie1015 · 14/08/2023 20:16

I would go out of my way to maintain relationship with my nieces if their parents split (on my dh side so also not blood relatives). I expect i would also feel the same about step children.

Perhaps because you will always have some contact via shared children you feel differently.

Lachimolala · 14/08/2023 20:17

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 14/08/2023 18:25

When I threw exh out the absolute bonus was never having to see his dc or ex ever again...

Same.

Utereusbegone · 14/08/2023 20:17

AlfietheSchnauzer · 14/08/2023 19:03

Bloody hell. My bloody just ran cold reading this and a couple of the comments. I presume OP & PP dislike animals too, right?

Oh dear god, how dramatic. She wouldn't be bothered about keeping in touch, she doesn't want to kill them

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 14/08/2023 20:18

CornishGem1975 · 14/08/2023 20:13

Not an alien but yes it's unusual and I'd say it's even more unusual to know that you don't become fod of other people's kids but then actively pursue a relationship with someone who has children who you must know will get attached to you.

Doesn't mean I don't like them @YourNameGoesHere and I don't think they are that attached to me. They barely say hello when they come in the house but we all rub along just fine. Their mum won't have my name mentioned in the house and she blocks me on their phones (I was NOT the OW before someone says it) so that doesn't really help the relationship.

Your comment about your name not allowed to be mentioned and number blocked is so true for me too.

Funnily enough they were allowed a step Dad!

CornishGem1975 · 14/08/2023 20:19

It is funny isn't it @AntiSocial6DaysAWeek! .

JudgeRudy · 14/08/2023 20:19

BoohooWoohoo · 14/08/2023 18:28

If you split with your h then you have no rights to see the kids anyway so it's a win/win situation that you wouldn't fight for contact anyway.

No one has rights to see any child. It's the child that has the rights for contact. If a stepparent is significant they most certainly can be granted visitation and even custody. Its what's in the child's best interest. If you're married you have equal legal rights.

JayJayEl · 14/08/2023 20:21

If you didn't share your own children then whilst I'd think it odd (after having been in their lives for so long, from such a young age), I guess I could somewhat understand. But the fact that these children are your own children's half siblings makes it completely baffling to me!

GreyStampIcon · 14/08/2023 20:22

I had a step parent for a few formative years in my teens. I’m nearly 40 now and the fact they didn’t pursue a relationship with me is one of the great hesrtbreaks of my life.

Bubop · 14/08/2023 20:25

I find it bizarre that anyone could spend years as a stepparent and not want to see them again if their relationship ended. How can you not have bonded with children that share your home (at least some of the time)?