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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

444 replies

hullabalooyou · 14/08/2023 18:24

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 14/08/2023 19:19

It's surprising you feel nothing for them, but you don't have an obligation to of course. I don't think it's nice to go around saying this out loud, what if they overheard you or saw this thread one day?

SemperIdem · 14/08/2023 19:19

I’d probably phase it out, rather than just cutting them out immediately, depending on what their dad was amenable to. Might not be my choice at all, either way ultimately.

Chewbecca · 14/08/2023 19:21

I would keep in touch with my DSC if DH and I split (no plans to though!). I've been in their lives for nearly 25 years though and their DC see me as a GP. I would hate to stop seeing them.

If you had asked me 15+ years ago, I possibly / probably would have answered differently.

I'm very glad my SC (& SGC) are in my life.

BetterWithPockets · 14/08/2023 19:22

OP, I think if that’s how you feel, that’s all there is to it really. It doesn’t make you a terrible person. I’d miss my DSS but can’t imagine them wanting to stay in touch with me as we have nothing in common really apart from their Dad/my DH.

feralunderclass · 14/08/2023 19:22

Yeah it does sound a bit cold and sad, but the reality for so many people in blended families. I was lying in bed a few nights ago thinking about how awkward it would be if my DM dies before my DSF. I've been in his life for 30+ years but not sure if I'm expected to see him like I would if my mum was alive? The majority of adult people I know who have step parents become estranged from the step parent/siblings upon the death of their parent. There's usually so much fighting over money too. Even in death you can't escape the nightmare of blended families 😭

GreyTS · 14/08/2023 19:22

Wow, I'd be devastated to lose my relationship with my boyfriend's daughter if we split, I actually worry about tbh. And we've only been together 4 years and we don't live together so no I don't recognise your feelings. Such is life though, everyone is different and some people are unkind and unfeeling and the doesn't change when they have children or stepchildren

Jk987 · 14/08/2023 19:22

Have they got a good bond with your own children? That would be the reason to continue seeing them.

MeridianB · 14/08/2023 19:22

She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren)

You answered your own question here, OP!

Username1107 · 14/08/2023 19:23

It seems a bit cold and sad tbh, especially if you have known them a long time. And they are also your children's siblings. So I would want to maintain contact for them as well.

ploopypleepy · 14/08/2023 19:24

I feel exactly the same! I think most do, but not all admit it. They aren't our kids.

Winnipeggy · 14/08/2023 19:25

What about if he died?

Moneybegreen · 14/08/2023 19:28

I think it's realistic and sensible tbh. Be kind and treat them well by all means.

But I don't think it's realistic to expect a lifelong relationship.

momonpurpose · 14/08/2023 19:28

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 14/08/2023 18:25

When I threw exh out the absolute bonus was never having to see his dc or ex ever again...

Me too!!!! It's heaven!

WotNoUserName · 14/08/2023 19:28

One of the things that I was most worried about when I split with my ex was that my DSD wouldn't want to see or speak to me ever again. I'd been in her life since she was a toddler, and she's now an adult. Thankfully that didn't happen and we still chat online (as she lives far away) and catch up when she visits her siblings (my kids by ex)

Rivermedway · 14/08/2023 19:30

Had you been with them a short time, I’d agree, but you’ve been a significant part of their life for several years and since they were little. They probably don’t remember their parents being together, so I’m also a little surprised.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 14/08/2023 19:32

Some people get attached, some don't. Some are more involved than others (including emotionally), some aren't.There's no right or wrong way.

Chchcheckingitout · 14/08/2023 19:34

@Winnipeggy
I’ve thought about this from the point of view of how would be DC keep in touch with their siblings. I don’t know how it would work ie is it better to cut contact than have sporadic contact or lose it further down the line.

Whyohwhywyoming · 14/08/2023 19:35

I would want to keep in touch with my stepson - I care about my stepdaughters but they have always been much more aware of, and sensitive to, their mum’s negative feelings about me (not the OW) and so we have a friendly but distant relationship. My relationship with DS is different, as he was younger when we got together, has no memory of his parents being together, which the girls do, and we do have a closer bond. If DH died I would absolutely make a big effort to keep in touch. If we split, I think I would miss them, but wouldn’t stay in touch. That might change if they were older and could make the choice to maintain contact themselves.

GreenClock · 14/08/2023 19:37

I don’t feel the same about my lovely adult SDCs because I’d really miss them … but I would probably lose touch with them, realistically.

I think it’s best to move on when a relationship fails, and let others do the same.

DP has been married twice (widowed by the SDCs mum in 2007 then divorced after a short marriage in 2017) and his second wife to her credit doesn’t hang about like the spectre at the feast. People need to move on and she recognised this, as would I.

We don’t have children together though (we met when we were 48). I think that when your child is your SDCs half sib, you will still likely have contact, and any new partners should respect this.

I also think that it may be different when you’ve been in the SDCs’ lives since they were little but I don’t know for sure… mine were 20-odd when I met DP so I’ve no experience.

FontSnob · 14/08/2023 19:40

Mine were 6&8 when I met them, I left their Dad 4 years later. Now they are 24&22 and I wouldn’t be without them in my life, I love them dearly and they know that i’d do anything for them and that my current husband would too if they needed us. I find it odd that you could care so little for two children who, I assume, you have in your home regularly. I find that sad for all of you.

Swirlingpearl · 14/08/2023 19:43

i imagine I would feel this way and therefore wouldn’t dream of dating someone with young kids (also I’ve done that part).
i wouldn’t want the situation where I’d potentially hurt the children, too messy.

WeirdBarbie · 14/08/2023 19:46

PimpMyFridge · 14/08/2023 18:51

I think while it is understandable you don't have the deep bond of a parent, to share your life with someone for 6 years, see them develop and grow and presumably have some influence on that to a greater or lesser extent, and for them to be half siblings of your own children... It is odd you feel nothing at all.

This.

Boomboom22 · 14/08/2023 19:48

I hope it is unusual and really if you feel.like that I don't know why you had kids with him. Did you pretend to love them vbefore you had your own?

continentallentil · 14/08/2023 19:49

It depends how close your relationship is now.

I have quite a close one with my SDC of 14 years, so yes I'd see them and I'd want to see them if they wanted to see me, bit like an honorary aunt.

But if you've never developed that then no you won't. Which isn't in itself a problem.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 14/08/2023 19:49

Nope abaolutely fine. My exbf had 2 kids I liked them a lot but when we split I was fine not seeing them. I did try nd maintain a friendship in ptleder to see them now and again but a friendship just wasn't viable and I did think it would just get awkward down the line when we both met new people. If the kids rang me and needed anything I'd still be there for them but just not on the regs