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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

444 replies

hullabalooyou · 14/08/2023 18:24

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

OP posts:
AnxiousFairyQueen · 14/08/2023 20:53

I think it’s very cruel. Especially the person who said their DSD had been in her life since she was one. That child sees you as family and you have no feelings for her at all. Call me dramatic but that’s heartbreaking.

Is it because you can only love a child with your own precious dna? What about pets?

Onceuponaheartache · 14/08/2023 20:57

I think it's quite sad but it doesn't surprise me. Too many women view their stepjids as only a temporary arrangement. And too many mums like it that way as they don't want another woman in their kids lives. Men abdicating their parenting responsibility to a long suffering second or third partner also develops this awful pattern of kids being seen as only a temporary situation.

Exdp and I were together for 7 years, the last 2 were only for appearance til we could unravel finances. He has 2 kids, boy was just turned 9 and girl just coming up 7 when we got together. They are our joint dd's brother and sister. There has never been any distinction of them being only half related. When we split I made sure the kids knew that it was to do with grown ups having realised that we loved each other as friends and not boyfriend/girlfriend but that I still loved the absolute bones of them.

I still see them regularly both with their dad and on their own. They came to me for Christmas Dinner on boxing day 2022. DSS (now 20) waltzed in and his first words were something along the line of "Please tell me you are doing a proper Christmas Dinner Once cos Mum's was shit yesterday".

When exdp and I were chatting about Christmas arrangements this year I asked him if he wanted to have dinner with us. His dad died recently so he only had the kids left and dd was so upset that he would be alone and sad. My Fiancé and him get on great so he is coming. When the kids found out they asked if I could do a late lunch so they could drive over too cos their muns Dinner was bound to be awful.

DSD (nearly 18) came to me when she needed her first bra, she came to me when her abd her BF were talking about having sex. She knew the facts etc but she had questions and thoughts she didn't feel comfortable talking to her parents about. I was so honoured that she felt she could still come to me.

I left their dad. I did not leave the kids. They will always be my stepkids.

They are all invited to my wedding next year.

whiteroseredrose · 14/08/2023 20:58

I had a wonderful step mother, who fortunately didn't think like that.

My DF died at 46 leaving her with 4 DC aged 4-13. I saw them just as much as I had before he died.

JANEY205 · 14/08/2023 20:58

My mum and stepdad are currently divorcing. He’s been in my life since I was 8. I would be devastated if he stopped bothering with me. As it is, the change has already been extremely hard on me and it’s really painful not having him at family events anymore. I think you’re an absolute arsehole to have been in their lives since they were so young and to feel like this. I hope of their Dad divorces you or dies first then their feelings to you are mutual.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 14/08/2023 20:59

It is a bit cold and weird to me to be honest. You might not love them like your own children and that’s understandable, but it’s odd that you’re completely detached after that length of time. It feels off, like they’re in your way sort of thing, an inconvenience and you couldn’t give a shit. I’d be a bit upset if my step parent didn’t care about me. My stepdad thinks of me like his daughter. Cannot fathom the totally detached attitude at all.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 14/08/2023 21:02

I think it depends how often you see them, for a start. If your partner has contact for an evening for 3 hours in the week and maybe an afternoon or one overnight at the weekend, that's not a massive amount of time to forge a quasi-family bond. And some stepchildren like it polite but distant - they don't want a second mum or another auntie, they mainly want their dad. I love kids and would definitely aim for a bond if I had stepkids but even with that inclination I don't see how this makes OP a psychopath.

YourNameGoesHere · 14/08/2023 21:02

Onceuponaheartache · 14/08/2023 20:57

I think it's quite sad but it doesn't surprise me. Too many women view their stepjids as only a temporary arrangement. And too many mums like it that way as they don't want another woman in their kids lives. Men abdicating their parenting responsibility to a long suffering second or third partner also develops this awful pattern of kids being seen as only a temporary situation.

Exdp and I were together for 7 years, the last 2 were only for appearance til we could unravel finances. He has 2 kids, boy was just turned 9 and girl just coming up 7 when we got together. They are our joint dd's brother and sister. There has never been any distinction of them being only half related. When we split I made sure the kids knew that it was to do with grown ups having realised that we loved each other as friends and not boyfriend/girlfriend but that I still loved the absolute bones of them.

I still see them regularly both with their dad and on their own. They came to me for Christmas Dinner on boxing day 2022. DSS (now 20) waltzed in and his first words were something along the line of "Please tell me you are doing a proper Christmas Dinner Once cos Mum's was shit yesterday".

When exdp and I were chatting about Christmas arrangements this year I asked him if he wanted to have dinner with us. His dad died recently so he only had the kids left and dd was so upset that he would be alone and sad. My Fiancé and him get on great so he is coming. When the kids found out they asked if I could do a late lunch so they could drive over too cos their muns Dinner was bound to be awful.

DSD (nearly 18) came to me when she needed her first bra, she came to me when her abd her BF were talking about having sex. She knew the facts etc but she had questions and thoughts she didn't feel comfortable talking to her parents about. I was so honoured that she felt she could still come to me.

I left their dad. I did not leave the kids. They will always be my stepkids.

They are all invited to my wedding next year.

You sound amazing! No wonder they love you it's clear from just this post that you adore them and most importantly you put their happiness first.

Oatycookies · 14/08/2023 21:03

YourNameGoesHere · 14/08/2023 19:54

Not an alien but yes it's unusual and I'd say it's even more unusual to know that you don't become fod of other people's kids but then actively pursue a relationship with someone who has children who you must know will get attached to you.

Show quote history

I agree with all of this. I’m child free but just the other day I was thinking how much I miss the child of one of my friends who I’ve fallen out with. I’m close with a lot of my friends kids and godmother to some. I’d be sad if somehow they left my life. I’d never get with someone who had kids but if I did I’d hope I’d form some kind of bond with them.

panko · 14/08/2023 21:03

I used to feel like this. But as I've spent more time with them and watched them grow into themselves I think I would actually be pretty heartbroken if I never saw them again now. I wouldn't try and keep contact though, I don't think that would help. They have my number so could contact me if they wanted to.

pizzaHeart · 14/08/2023 21:05

I don’t think you are cold or cruel or anything like this. They are young and 6 years are not long so it looks like you don’t have personal relationship with them, they are just your DH’s children for you. You might feel completely different in 15 years time.

Does you friend have nephew and nieces? I bet she won’t go out of her way to see her nephews and nieces from her partner’s side in case of divorce unless she’s formed a strong personal relationship with them over years.

Pieceofpurplesky · 14/08/2023 21:06

Never seen the DSS since ex and I split. Can't say I've shed any tears.

Oatycookies · 14/08/2023 21:06

Threenow · 14/08/2023 20:35

I really don't know why people marry someone who has children. If you aren't willing to at least try to bond with them maybe it's best to back off right at the start. No wonder there are so many messed up kids.

This.

User601 · 14/08/2023 21:07

I'd find that very off-putting - considering how young they were when you became their stepmother. It seems pretty inhuman not to be interested in and fond of someone who's been an everyday part of your family for all those years, and who are still at a nice age.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/08/2023 21:07

It would be sad to totally cut them off if they haven lived with you - are they just someone you see on weekends? I'm assuming your own kids would want to see them but I guess just went they're at their dads house. It depends on your bond.

If it were me I'd like to think I'd still send them a birthday card and present and have them over at mine for tea every so often like a couple of times a year, as they are step siblings to my own child and I would share a lot of memories with these kids having been an important adult in their formative years. If I had a partner then broke up amicably after a few years id be happy if he occasionally stayed in my sons life like a couple of times a year

MeetMyCat · 14/08/2023 21:08

amylou8 · 14/08/2023 18:45

I haven't given SS a second thought since I split from XH, and I doubt he has me. I was never anything but kind to him, but there was no bond between us.

I think this is a normal stance.

SlicedPickles · 14/08/2023 21:09

Im a step mum. I would gladly never see my DSS again. I tolerate him. I don’t like him.

DH’s ex gushed and gushed about how she’d “gained a daughter” changed her Facebook and listed her as a daughter on there when she married her now exDH. Despite having two more children (same as me) she admitted she hadn’t seen her “beautiful bonus daughter” at all since the spilt and wasn’t at all interested in facilitating the relationship between her and her half siblings. She said she “didn’t have the e energy” and it “wasn’t her job”

Made me smile as I completely agree with her but she made such a song and dance about her being the same as her blood children.

IMO just demonstrates the reality.

Wherearemymarbles · 14/08/2023 21:09

I do hope your DH is not idiotic enough to have mirror wills!

JusthereforXmas · 14/08/2023 21:10

I have never seen my step mothers since they split, why would I?

I no longer even see my father.

NumberTheory · 14/08/2023 21:11

Given that around half of biological fathers who have split from the mother of their children fail to see those children regularly, I don’t think it’s at all surprising that a step parent would be able to walk away without much heartache or desire to keep up an independent relationship.

Other people’s kids can be hard work and a step parent’s role can be a bit thankless, often landed with lots of responsibility and little authority or acknowledgement. Building a meaningful bond that is not reliant on the relationship with their dad would seem hard.

Not that some parents don’t do it, but I suspect it’s not the norm. I also think that building that bond probably depends as much on the child’s biological parents as it does on the step parent (and that many other factors would also influence it).

grumpycow1 · 14/08/2023 21:11

If they’ve been in your life since 4 and 6 and are siblings to your DC, it’s really sad. Poor kids. I am not saying you should feel like their mum but surely some kind of relationship? What about one day if they have children who are your children’s nieces and nephews. You won’t care?

AliasGrape · 14/08/2023 21:12

I think it’s weird yes.

I have ‘step’ nieces and nephews - I’d be gutted if I didn’t get to see them anymore and I’d absolutely try to maintain a relationship in the event of a split between their birth parent and my relative their step parent.

If you met your DH when they were older I could understand it a bit better, but I find it weird that
you could manage to be in their lives for so long and since they were very little without bonding even a little bit. Let’s hope you don’t split from your DH so they don’t have to find out that’s how you feel.

SlicedPickles · 14/08/2023 21:12

NumberTheory · 14/08/2023 21:11

Given that around half of biological fathers who have split from the mother of their children fail to see those children regularly, I don’t think it’s at all surprising that a step parent would be able to walk away without much heartache or desire to keep up an independent relationship.

Other people’s kids can be hard work and a step parent’s role can be a bit thankless, often landed with lots of responsibility and little authority or acknowledgement. Building a meaningful bond that is not reliant on the relationship with their dad would seem hard.

Not that some parents don’t do it, but I suspect it’s not the norm. I also think that building that bond probably depends as much on the child’s biological parents as it does on the step parent (and that many other factors would also influence it).

Quite.

Step parents are often expected to perform better than actual parents. This is a perfect example.

LocalHobo · 14/08/2023 21:13

I left their dad. I did not leave the kids. They will always be my stepkids.
I am with your friend. These children are your DC's siblings!

PollyThePixie · 14/08/2023 21:15

feralunderclass · 14/08/2023 19:22

Yeah it does sound a bit cold and sad, but the reality for so many people in blended families. I was lying in bed a few nights ago thinking about how awkward it would be if my DM dies before my DSF. I've been in his life for 30+ years but not sure if I'm expected to see him like I would if my mum was alive? The majority of adult people I know who have step parents become estranged from the step parent/siblings upon the death of their parent. There's usually so much fighting over money too. Even in death you can't escape the nightmare of blended families 😭

My mum a very very long time ago but my step dad is still my dad even though I’m in my 60’s and he’s older than me. I couldn’t imagine a life without him and he’s the only grandad and great grandad my children etc have ever wanted.

We’ve been in each others lives for nigh on 50 years. He’s my dad.

PollyThePixie · 14/08/2023 21:15

That should be ‘my mum died’