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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

444 replies

hullabalooyou · 14/08/2023 18:24

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2023 12:56

Lentilweaver · 16/08/2023 09:39

To become a bonus care giver to extra children is an absolute blessing

Is it? As I said earlier, I have had enough parenting my own DC- only 2 of them through their teens- and I don't think I could muster up the energy to parent more DC. Am pretty burnt out. I would hate to be a bonus care giver to extra children. My worst nightmare!

Agree, this is absolutely a matter of opinion, as indeed it being a blessing being a parent at all is.

Being a step parent is not a blessing to me, and for many it is far more of a chore than a pleasure.

SeamsLegit · 16/08/2023 14:14

I would be the exact same! Although I also would not have got together with a man who already had kids. I couldn't have my kids sharing priority. Others may be aghast at that, but I just know myself

MissyPea · 16/08/2023 16:34

That is the most stupid comment I’ve read on here in all my time here.

Adhdandme1 · 16/08/2023 17:29

Uptoyou34 · 16/08/2023 09:26

So what I've taken from this thread is that you are a psychopathic, wicked and evil person if you don't love everyone you've known for more than lets say, a few years? Seems reasonable.

Grin 👏 👏 👏 Step mothers have traditionally been treated appalling on mumsnet since day dot. I’m personally glad to see more women speaking out about it being a shit deal often.
Cucucucu · 16/08/2023 19:52

Adhdandme1 · 16/08/2023 17:29

Grin 👏 👏 👏 Step mothers have traditionally been treated appalling on mumsnet since day dot. I’m personally glad to see more women speaking out about it being a shit deal often.
Show quote history

Shit deal because they decide on it being that way ! Pick good men who treat their children and partner fairly . Stepmums on MN if anything will traumatise anyone not used to deal with step kids or step mums , it’s probably where Disney gets their step mum ideas from !
Thankfully in real life I’m yet to want any of the mean awful women on here , no friends around me or in my family would agree with any of the vile stuff said here . It’s nit the norm to this cold , neither is a anything to be proud off

Nugg · 16/08/2023 20:01

From the other side my ex and I split after 20 years. He'd been "dad" to my eldest since he was 5 years old, but exH has made little or no effort to keep in touch and my ds is very hurt by this.

Adhdandme1 · 16/08/2023 20:12

Cucucucu · 16/08/2023 19:52

Shit deal because they decide on it being that way ! Pick good men who treat their children and partner fairly . Stepmums on MN if anything will traumatise anyone not used to deal with step kids or step mums , it’s probably where Disney gets their step mum ideas from !
Thankfully in real life I’m yet to want any of the mean awful women on here , no friends around me or in my family would agree with any of the vile stuff said here . It’s nit the norm to this cold , neither is a anything to be proud off

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RU OK Hun?

CornishGem1975 · 16/08/2023 21:01

@Cucucucu Only about 10% of that was legible.

Cucucucu · 16/08/2023 21:50

You got the gist ! Although I did wrote that with the keybord in a completely different language and different alphabet . I apologise !

Cucucucu · 16/08/2023 21:57

Nugg · 16/08/2023 20:01

From the other side my ex and I split after 20 years. He'd been "dad" to my eldest since he was 5 years old, but exH has made little or no effort to keep in touch and my ds is very hurt by this.

That’s awful . My partner married his ex wife when her son was 3 and to this day he treats him as his son despite him having a dad , he calls my partner dad .My partner and his mum divorced when he was 13 years old , he is now 22 . We have been together almost 4 years and both him and his brother are part of our family despite him having no genetic links to us and I absolutely adore both boys . My partner is now again a step dad to my daughter who is 7 and while I was reading this post to him today he was extremely shocked with some of the replies . Thankfully none of us can relate to the OP .

T1Dmama · 17/08/2023 01:13

I’d say it’s pretty normal tbh. I don’t really know anyone who likes their step kids much.
To be fair though I don’t like other peoples kids much… I would never pick up with someone who had kids.

Ilovecleaning · 17/08/2023 05:18

I’m surprised at the number of posters who suggest you ‘should love’ stepchildren or question why not everyone loves them. You can’t make people love other people. But we can all behave properly, treat stepchildren with respect, care for them and look after them.
Posters who are shocked are not being realistic about people. Some people don’t like their sc but they should try their best not to show it and should never verbalise it.

Loneparent1111111 · 17/08/2023 06:52

It depends if you are parenting them and how old the children are. If they are under say 16 and you regularly care for them with your spouse then to not develop emotions for them is indicative of many personality disorders. That said, the way the DSM diagnoses these is less than helpful and I am dubious about calling them disorders, rather than different personalities.

SlicedPickles · 17/08/2023 08:35

Cucucucu · 16/08/2023 19:52

Shit deal because they decide on it being that way ! Pick good men who treat their children and partner fairly . Stepmums on MN if anything will traumatise anyone not used to deal with step kids or step mums , it’s probably where Disney gets their step mum ideas from !
Thankfully in real life I’m yet to want any of the mean awful women on here , no friends around me or in my family would agree with any of the vile stuff said here . It’s nit the norm to this cold , neither is a anything to be proud off

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My friends would say similar things to me. But I don’t judge them and so they can speak openly.

T1Dmama · 17/08/2023 09:24

Cucucucu · 16/08/2023 19:52

Shit deal because they decide on it being that way ! Pick good men who treat their children and partner fairly . Stepmums on MN if anything will traumatise anyone not used to deal with step kids or step mums , it’s probably where Disney gets their step mum ideas from !
Thankfully in real life I’m yet to want any of the mean awful women on here , no friends around me or in my family would agree with any of the vile stuff said here . It’s nit the norm to this cold , neither is a anything to be proud off

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And yet here you are still on mumsnet….
and you do realise Disney was writing about step mums LONG before the internet existed let alone MN?? …. Plus Disney’s early work was taken from stories written by other people…
If ALL your friends love and adore their step children then maybe they’re either lucky to have nice SC & get on really well with their husbands ex’s…. OR they’re lying so as not to be judged by someone like you who thinks everyone who can’t bond with a child that isn’t theirs is cold and unfeeling.
I’ve never had a step child but every ‘blended’ family I know is a bloody nightmare… pain in the arse ex’s being difficult / jealous and kids who are abusive and horrible to my friends & their children..
In fact one of my friends is with the nicest bloke, but my friend after years of trying to include his DD’s has just had to ban them from her house now, they’re horrible to her DD’s then go home and make up shit about them, which the dad then gets abuse for from his ex! So they’re now kept well apart.
It’s probably different if the children live with you and only visit their other parent one weekend a fortnight, but if you’re the one who only sees them 4 days a month then no you’re not gonna miss them or have a great bond.

why do step parents get such a hard time on MN?!….. There are plenty of biological parents out there who are crap parents yet step parents are expected to be these warm and loving people 24/7 no matter what’s thrown at them! I know plenty of kids who have Dads that just can’t be arsed to visit more than a few times a year and only when it suits them.
Men get away with it though, women are supposed to have a built in attraction and love for all things cute, otherwise they're not ‘normal’…

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 17/08/2023 09:33

Out of curiosity, do people expect teachers/TA's to love their pupils like their own too? After all , a lot of them spend more time with their pupils than some parents /step parents.

Allsweep · 17/08/2023 09:39

The vast majority of posters are not saying "love like their own". Just that it's fucking cold to spend years with young children, see them grow up and have absolutely no fond feelings towards them to the point where you wouldn't care if you never saw them again.

Uptoyou34 · 17/08/2023 10:06

I've watched my friend's kids grow up too but I don't love them and don't miss them when I'm not around them. Some are bloody annoying tbh.

You know when you're at a playground before you have kids and literally everyone's child is annoying, but then you have your own and obviously you don't feel that about your own child? Well, as a step-parent, you never loose that first feeling 😂 doesn't mean we are cold though, pretty sure most of us still care, have respect and are kind to them.

Backagain23 · 17/08/2023 10:29

Allsweep · 17/08/2023 09:39

The vast majority of posters are not saying "love like their own". Just that it's fucking cold to spend years with young children, see them grow up and have absolutely no fond feelings towards them to the point where you wouldn't care if you never saw them again.

Most posters that wouldn't go out of their way aren't even saying they don't have fond feelings for their DSC.
Not actively pursuing a post relationship relationship with them does not equate to not caring about them in the here and now.

funinthesun19 · 17/08/2023 10:43

Allsweep · 17/08/2023 09:39

The vast majority of posters are not saying "love like their own". Just that it's fucking cold to spend years with young children, see them grow up and have absolutely no fond feelings towards them to the point where you wouldn't care if you never saw them again.

I really think that if the parents don’t want their precious children to be in this position in the future, then they could both just not be dicks towards the stepmum while she’s actually there? 🤔 That might be a start.

A stepmum who has been treated with respect by everyone including the ex wife, is much more likely to stay in contact with with the stepchildren (once the dust has blown over from the break up of course as she’s found her feet as a single mum to her own. Part of that respect will be giving her some space).
But if she’s just been repeatedly treated like shit by her husband and his ex wife, then don’t be shocked if she wants to get away from everyone including the kids.

Parents can’t have it both ways. They can’t be horrible to her for years and then expect the now ex stepmum to be nice 🤦🏼‍♀️. She wants to move forward with her life.

BoohooWoohoo · 17/08/2023 10:48

Not pursuing a relationship after a breakup is not the same as having no feelings towards them.
I would hope that a stepparent would have positive feelings towards my kids similar to how I feel about their friends (my kids are teen/young adult so I've known some of their friends for 10+ years) or their teachers feel about them.
I think that stepparents can love their stepchildren but there's a lot of variables like how long they've known the child, if they've been allowed to parent them etc
I think that some people declare their love for stepchildren too early imo. I don't think that you can love a child that you've seen EOW for a few months.

funinthesun19 · 17/08/2023 10:48

And when I say they expect her to be nice, I mean they expect her to be a people pleaser.

I always say there is a good selfish. And part of that is deciding to not be a people pleaser and take care of yourself. If the stepmum has had a few miserable years then too right she can now be good selfish.

Allsweep · 17/08/2023 10:51

Not pursuing a relationship after a breakup is not the same as having no feelings towards them.

I agree there can be reasons for not pursuing a relationship but the OP literally says that she wouldn't be upset never to see them again.

Cucucucu · 17/08/2023 10:52

Allsweep · 17/08/2023 09:39

The vast majority of posters are not saying "love like their own". Just that it's fucking cold to spend years with young children, see them grow up and have absolutely no fond feelings towards them to the point where you wouldn't care if you never saw them again.

This ! And what I don’t get is there proudness there seems to be about it on MN , why be proud of being this cold

Cucucucu · 17/08/2023 10:54

funinthesun19 · 17/08/2023 10:43

I really think that if the parents don’t want their precious children to be in this position in the future, then they could both just not be dicks towards the stepmum while she’s actually there? 🤔 That might be a start.

A stepmum who has been treated with respect by everyone including the ex wife, is much more likely to stay in contact with with the stepchildren (once the dust has blown over from the break up of course as she’s found her feet as a single mum to her own. Part of that respect will be giving her some space).
But if she’s just been repeatedly treated like shit by her husband and his ex wife, then don’t be shocked if she wants to get away from everyone including the kids.

Parents can’t have it both ways. They can’t be horrible to her for years and then expect the now ex stepmum to be nice 🤦🏼‍♀️. She wants to move forward with her life.

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The op kids are extremely young . I doubt it’s the case