Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

[hullabalooyou]

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

No I don’t…. It’s a professional relationship.
I’ve worked in a profession where I’ve looked after people for years…. Never have I ever loved any of my clients… I’ve had some I’ve liked more than others and done more things with, but I’ve never felt I couldn’t leave a job because I couldn’t leave a client.
I’d find it weird for a teacher to form a close bond with the children like that.
Same with nurses in hospitals, they don’t love our children, that doesn’t mean they can’t care for them though.
A step parent in many cases isn’t taking on a parent role.

You doubt what is the case?

Well, for me it means the air conditioning was a good investment ❄️

I’m not sure why anyone should be particularly bothered that someone on a forum thinks they’re cold.

That her step children are awful to her , how can 3 year olds be awful to her

Have you not had a 3 year old... they can be the devil, they have ZERO emotional filter yet.

I am currently nursing a bruised hip and pelvic bone from a violent headbutting assault from my toddler. Why? because I had the audacity to offer her party rings instead of a cookie and 10 seconds to walk back and get the right thing is too long to wait to correct such a heinous crime.

Clearly you haven’t read my post properly. I said the parents. I agree a 3 year old can’t be awful to her, but the parents might be. I’m specifically on about OP , but stepmums in general having to endure horrid CF parents.

I’m NOT specifically on about OP

Precisely.

I have been reminded I’m not their Mother (had absolutely no intention of fulfilling that role. Thought of myself as an Auntie type character) whilst simultaneously being told I should provide childcare at the drop of a hat on non-contact days because Mum wanted to go out childfree.

I took him on days out and his Mum would tell school if was her who did X with him at the weekend when he spoke about it.

Step Dad walked into his life and DSS started to ask who his dad was - because he had been told to call Step Dad, Dad from day one.

School call me “dads new girlfriend” whilst calling step dad exactly that. Despite the fact we’re married and I’ve been around several years longer. Step Dad gets cards made at school for Father’s Day etc. I get jack shit.

My DH appreciates me and the effort I make towards his child, but frankly, his son doesn’t. After being punched in the head by DSS because he was in a bad mood and I was closest I have stepped back to protect myself. I see my role now as supporting DH. I am no longer pouring emotional, time or financial investment into a child that doesn’t give a shit about me.

TBH I see it as like any relationship - some
people you hit it off with and you become friends, you keep them close. Others you tolerate because of the wider context. For me my DSS is the latter.

I can’t force love for someone and tbh it would impact my mental health to continue to try.

Well said!👏👏👏

I don’t get is there proudness there seems to be about it on MN , why be proud of being this cold

Then you clearly haven't experienced being ripped to shreds by strangers for being anything less than Mary Poppins. It creates the need for a community of people to be more honest and realistic about their experiences. The coldness you perceive probably wouldn't be there if not for posters such as yourself, which is ironic really!

Exactly! I always wonder what posters expect when they start on stepmums. For them to fall in line and do as they’re told?

The OP asked for opinions, no one just randomly started a thread.

She doesn't have to listen to the opinions but people didn't spontaneously decide to tell her their views

There's huge internalised mysoginy against stepmothers. Everyone loves to hate them and their position starts from being in the wrong, and having to prove themselves worthy of at least being deemed ok. It's universal around the world. It's why these stories started and were so popular and still are. It's why people cling to them and seek to justify their hatred, because like I said we love to hate them.

In my native language the word for step as in step mum is also a synonym for hostile. That is not a coincidence.

There 100% is so much internalised misogyny towards step mothers.
It’s so normal for our woman hating society that people can’t see it.
Step fathers are always treated as heroes. Step mothers, villains. Despite the very fact that it is step mothers that often get left with the hard graft of dealing with their partners children on a practical and emotional labour level.
Very unfair.

Step mothers are treated with suspicion and hatred on mn when they should be applauded for helping to raise someone else’s children.
it’s so back to front!

Im so glad to see more step mums pushing back against this shit.

Couldn't agree more. 👏

I'm with @SlicedPickles . If they needed me I would be there. If they were surrounded by loving family I would move on.

There’s nothing wrong with you OP, you’re just being honest, and some parents can’t accept that everyone else adores their brood. Everyone is different, some bond some don’t, it’s completely normal. Ignore the usual mumsnet witch-hunt, it’s often not a good place to seek advice or support unfortunately.

Edit that - I meant doesn’t adore their brood.