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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

444 replies

hullabalooyou · 14/08/2023 18:24

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 14/08/2023 18:25

When I threw exh out the absolute bonus was never having to see his dc or ex ever again...

TreesandFish · 14/08/2023 18:26

Nothing strange about that, They are not your children

HaPPy8 · 14/08/2023 18:26

I think it’s quite sad you’d not really care having been there over half their lives but I expect in reality it’s not that unusual for this to happen.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/08/2023 18:28

If you split with your h then you have no rights to see the kids anyway so it's a win/win situation that you wouldn't fight for contact anyway.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/08/2023 18:28

I think it's a pragmatic position but for the best

MontblancTheSecond · 14/08/2023 18:29

Haven’t you grown to love them over the past six years? I do think it sounds a bit sad.

Greensleeves · 14/08/2023 18:32

I do think it's weird to have been in a child's life for so many years and have developed no attachment whatsoever. I don't think stepparents need to love stepchildren "like their own", that's not realistic, but to feel absolutely nothing for them isn't normal.

YourNameGoesHere · 14/08/2023 18:34

I mean it's a very pragmatic view but an odd thing to voice if you're in a happy relationship especially as your children are their siblings so maybe she's wondering if there's more to it.

Also the eldest is now 12 if she wanted to stay in touch with you would you honestly say no?

Allsweep · 14/08/2023 18:36

Yeah a bit. I got to know my neighbour's kids over a few years and I was sad when they moved away and we keep in touch. I sort of assume that you would feel at least a little sad not to see stepchildren again.

lunar1 · 14/08/2023 18:36

I think it's unbelievably cruel to the children. My dad didn't allow us contact with one of our stepmothers after he moved on.

It was another in a long list of traumatic events of our childhood.

We reconnected when I was an adult, thank fuck for social media. She was just as heartbroken as we were.

Floofydawg · 14/08/2023 18:43

Greensleeves · 14/08/2023 18:32

I do think it's weird to have been in a child's life for so many years and have developed no attachment whatsoever. I don't think stepparents need to love stepchildren "like their own", that's not realistic, but to feel absolutely nothing for them isn't normal.

I don't think it's not normal. I have no shared kids with my DH. If we split I wouldn't see his kids again. I'd hope that they were ok and that they were happy, but I've got enough going on in my life to not really want to see them again in those circumstances.

amylou8 · 14/08/2023 18:45

I haven't given SS a second thought since I split from XH, and I doubt he has me. I was never anything but kind to him, but there was no bond between us.

YourNameGoesHere · 14/08/2023 18:45

Floofydawg · 14/08/2023 18:43

I don't think it's not normal. I have no shared kids with my DH. If we split I wouldn't see his kids again. I'd hope that they were ok and that they were happy, but I've got enough going on in my life to not really want to see them again in those circumstances.

Show quote history

What if his children wanted to stay in touch with you?

Crossstich · 14/08/2023 18:47

I think it's sad that you don't have any feelings for them. I even feel an emotional attachment to close friends children. I don't parent them. But I have seen them grow up, care about them and would be sad if I never saw them again.

WetBandits · 14/08/2023 18:47

If my DF and DSM split, I would absolutely want to maintain an independent relationship with DSM (depending on the circumstances of the split of course) and can say with certainty that she feels the same.

SkaneTos · 14/08/2023 18:50

So they are the siblings of your child?

PimpMyFridge · 14/08/2023 18:51

I think while it is understandable you don't have the deep bond of a parent, to share your life with someone for 6 years, see them develop and grow and presumably have some influence on that to a greater or lesser extent, and for them to be half siblings of your own children... It is odd you feel nothing at all.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/08/2023 18:52

I would feel the same. And so, because of that, I wouldn't go out with someone who had young kids, as I don't think it's fair on them.

whatwhatinthebutt · 14/08/2023 19:01

No, if you haven't formed that bond that's perfectly fine. I feel it's best to manage expectations with family that is not blood. Sounds like you did just that.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 14/08/2023 19:03

Bloody hell. My bloody just ran cold reading this and a couple of the comments. I presume OP & PP dislike animals too, right?

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 14/08/2023 19:04

Other than my dc and dh I don't have emotional ties with anyone, just not interested and it's okay for them to feel the same way about me.

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 14/08/2023 19:06

Alfie, you blood ran cold, really ? That's ott big time. I prefer animals to humans, but there you go, so what?

Riapia · 14/08/2023 19:14

What was their reaction when you told your DH and his DC’s that?
I hope you broke it to them gently.

DinnaeFashYersel · 14/08/2023 19:16

It's a bit cold. And sad.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/08/2023 19:16

After so long, at their age, it’s a little surprising.