Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

[hullabalooyou]

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

Suppose it depends on the relationship you have with them but agree it's quite sad you would feel that way. You're obviously not very close to them.

I think it’s natural to feel this way OP and probably a lot more common than people would care to admit.

I’d bet that a lot (not all) of the responses on here are from people who have no step kids.

I think it might be sad for the kids, I think they’d probably form an attachment?
Gosh, I’m a teacher and I get terribly attached to the kids just in one year and am sad to see them go, but perhaps it’s not the same thing.

I couldn’t have loved somebody else’s children so that’s why I didn’t date men who had kids.

And conversely, the thought that there are children who have to live with adults who don’t give a shit about them is so sad.

Poor kids. They don’t have a choice but you did.

Theyre half siblings so I do think its off. Id understand not being bothered by seeing them for myself, but I think itd be really unfair

I have recently (this weekend) split up (completely, no going back) with my ex of 5 and a half years. We share an almost 2 year old. He has a 15 year old from his marriage who I met when she was 10 (almost 11).

I have been a friend to her, taught her things, introduced her to all the cult TV shows that were cool when I was growing up, bought her thoughtful gifts for birthdays and Christmas, taken her on holiday, got myself into hundreds of thousands of pounds of debt on a joint mortgage to give her a room of her own etc. my family have welcomed her with open arms. And while I like her, it’s up to her father to maintain a relationship between her and my child.

I spoke to her mother at the weekend and said I would do my best to ensure the sisters didn’t lose touch but inevitably, I will eventually move on and it’s not my place to facilitate any contact. I won’t really be bothered either way if I see her or not, as lovely as she is 🤷🏽‍♀️

I do think it's quite cold if you can be around someone for years and be completely indifferent to them one way or another. I'd understand you not wanting to see them more if you actively disliked them. Personally, I don't have a maternal bone in my body and I'm a master at removing people from my life and never looking back, but my ex's son and I still hang out occasionally even though I was never in a parental role to him.

Same!

Yes I think that's cold. How often are they with you? Unless it's very infrequent i find it odd you haven't built a bond with them.

My Step dad had me from 4 years old until they split when I was 11. He stayed in contact for a few months and then just vanished. Moved house without telling us. It cut deep

I always felt a bit guilty about not forming a loving bond with my 2 ss., who are now both grown men. We always got on reasonable well, although the teenage years were challenging 😂. But I just never felt the same way about them as I know H does about my daughter.

I think it’s really sad that you are so detached from children that you have known since they were small, and that are part of your family.

Loads of people feel like this, you’re just one of the honest ones.

It depends if you live with them. If you do, then I am surprised. Though no one can tell you how you feel. Perhaps you just haven't built a bond with each other.

But if they are over holidays only say then no thats not surprising.

I would be devastated if my mum and step dad split and he made no effort ever again. Distraught in fact. That’s sad.

I find the comments about them being siblings to the shared child of the relationship a bit weird - they would see each other when they’re with their shared dad?

It would be more of a question for pure step siblings with no shared parents, who find themselves not seeing their step siblings ever again, surely?

It depends on the relationship. I had a step mum, but only saw her for two weekends a month, so obviously didn’t really have a strong enough bond that I missed her when they split. I didn’t miss her as she wasn’t really anything to me other than someone my dad chose to live with for a few years.

I think it’s really bizarre that anyone would get in a relationship with someone who they know has kids but with the intention of never having any interest in said kids. Just get with one of the many, many childless men/women instead.

Plus this is another one of those scenarios where if a woman came on and said ‘my new partner has no interest in my DC and won’t be bothered if we split’ people would probably say ‘wow massive red flag, why would you want someone like that in DCs lives?’

Op has also placed these stepchildren in her ‘natural’ children’s lives and doesn’t seem bothered about the effects of never seeing siblings again.

I think even if you form close parental bonds, there's still the awkward fact that the relationship with the SC goes through the partner. It's neither cold nor heartless to acknowledge that.

DP has only been in DD’s life for a year but he would be devastated to lose touch with her if he and I broke up. Probably more than losing me, to be honest. But he doesn’t have any biological children and her Dad is dead so that probably makes a difference.

I imagine it depends on the relationship, really. I think it is quite sad that you feel that way but I don’t think it makes you a bad person.

I think it can be unfair on the children. When my sister’s ex split with his new girlfriend she didn’t cut off their children, she was a brilliant step mother and so my sister was grateful she wanted to still keep in touch, she is still in regular contact with the children two years on and they meet up often.

Thank you!

I adore the bones of them. Don't get me wrong it was bloody hard work especially in the early days of being their stepmum. This mum had very little interest in having kids. She had them because it is "what people do" which were her words to me when we told her inwas pregnant. And exdp is lovely but a complete Disney dad when it came to discipline. It took a long time for him to step up.

But none of that was the kids fault and it took a lot of support from some amazing long standing step parents on here for me to get good at it. But I loved them from almost day 1.

When exdp is being a dick, DSD will still turn up here to see her sister and then sit and eventually chat about what is bugging her. I mediate a lot between her and her dad.

I genuinely do not understand how you can be in a child's life for years and then walk away without a care.

I kinda get it but at the same time there are my friends' kids who I adore. If I was living with someone else's kids, even part time, I'd form a bond with them (unless they were little shits, then I might feel differently!)

Have you got quite a strained, difficult, arms length relationship with them? Do they not live with you? It is a bit harsh that you think you wouldn't miss them if they weren't in your life anymore as it sounds like you don't think fondly of them or have a bond. Do they feel the same way about you?

I think it's a bit sad you feel that way. I'm just a teacher, and I still miss kids that I taught 15 years ago!

@Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand 😂😂😂 I giggled!

i would only be bothered for my child’s sake and ofcourse it would be nice to watch her sibiling grow up but I wouldn’t be bothered about every day life.