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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

444 replies

hullabalooyou · 14/08/2023 18:24

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

OP posts:
DysonSpheres · 15/08/2023 20:10

saffy2 · 15/08/2023 19:55

I think it’s awful personally.
It’s in my will that if I die that my son stays with his stepdad and half sister here in this house, his father hasn’t questioned this because this is where he lives with us.
I would be absolutely disgusted in my partner if he said what you said to be honest, and this would probably result in questioning of the relationship.

As usual on MN there is a certain amount of sex bias in operation. I bet if a man were brave enough to start a thread saying he had no emotional attachment to his wife's children from a previous relationship and wouldn't be fussed to never see them again the responses would unanimously be 'what a cold bastard'.

I am frequently left baffled on these step-mum threads as to why someone would marry someone whilst knowing they only feel neutral at best about the SC. A whole marriage. It's like they have managed to mentally compartmentalise their lover from his children. Yet someone's children are an absolutely huge part of them.

But then maybe they're not a huge part of the lives of divorced men so much, as they tend to do the walking away and take less parental responsibility and maybe that's why often these sorts of experiences often appear from the SM angle🤔

Pinklemons9 · 15/08/2023 20:11

Greensleeves · 14/08/2023 18:32

I do think it's weird to have been in a child's life for so many years and have developed no attachment whatsoever. I don't think stepparents need to love stepchildren "like their own", that's not realistic, but to feel absolutely nothing for them isn't normal.

I agree with this. You’ve been apart of their lives for 6 years since they were 4 and 6 and you wouldn’t care if you didn’t see them again? I find this very cold hearted and odd, and sad for the children. How can you not have any feelings for them after 6 years. I wonder what your husband would think?!

sweatervest · 15/08/2023 20:12

i look at my ex-stepkid as a nephew. I'm not is aunt. i wasn't really his step mum either as he was in his twenties when i met him but I would be really sad if i had zero contact with him. i might see him once a year but that's fine with me and if i saw him more often he'd probably tell me to back the fuck off (as jamie lee curtis is saying all over tiktok). okay so he wouldn't tell me to back the fuck off but i stay in my own lane (mostly).

it's all sad stuff to me tbh.

CKL987 · 15/08/2023 20:12

Only find it strange because they are your child's siblings.

ellyeth · 15/08/2023 20:13

Perhaps I shouldn't comment as I do not have stepchildren but it seems rather sad to me that children who have been with you since they were very young seem to mean nothing to you. Children are quite intuitive and no doubt they are aware of you lack of feelings for them.

JusthereforXmas · 15/08/2023 20:15

hullabalooyou · 15/08/2023 20:01

Personally I find the idea of loving someone else's children as much as my own more shocking than not doing so. Certain circumstances aside I.e. no other parent around so you've assumed that role completely etc.. I could NEVER love another child like I do mine. Personally I suspect some step parents just say they do when they don't really but each to their own. My husband is well aware I don't love his kids like I do ours. He's never seen that as a problem.

I agree I think its so faux people pretending to love nieces/nephews, pets, step kids, pupils and friends children like their own children... of course you don't.

I carried my children, nearly died for them, they are miniature versions of myself (for better and worse), I have panic attacks about anything that could take them from me and would die for them in a heartbeat... my cat is just my cat and I honestly don't like other people children all that much.

There literally no one else on earth I feel for the way I feel for my children and I really feel for bio children whose their parents just love them equally as every tom, dick, fluffy and harry that comes along.

I just can't imagine the immense love I have for my own kids being so easily rivaled by a part time child of a partner or a pet and it would do a massive disservices to my kids if it could be.

Trez1510 · 15/08/2023 20:15

lunar1 · 14/08/2023 18:36

I think it's unbelievably cruel to the children. My dad didn't allow us contact with one of our stepmothers after he moved on.

It was another in a long list of traumatic events of our childhood.

We reconnected when I was an adult, thank fuck for social media. She was just as heartbroken as we were.

I agree with you, however it may well be that the complete reverse situation applies here. The children in this scenario may be completely relieved if/when their father moves on.

I don't have step-children, but I'm fond of my neighbours wee ones. If/when they move I will miss the contact/relationships I have with them. I know they will still pop-in to see me, and I'd be welcome to visit them too. But, that's not the same as regular, almost daily, interaction and their wee reactions when they see their Grantie Trez 😕

Loneparent1111111 · 15/08/2023 20:15

I suppose if you do not spend much time with them and their mother has full custody you haven't really been a part of their lives. However as a parent with a stepson and a biological son that has full custody for both of them I cannot really understand it. I do not think of my children as step and biological, just my son's. If you only see them on brief custody visits and are a 'blood is thicker than water' type person then it is understandable. However, it is also a bit cold too if I am honest, but it takes all sorts to make a world and there are millions of people (15-20%)in the UK that have personality types that lack empathy so it isn't that unusual. If you and your husband had full custody then I would have thought you would have formed some bond with your step children.

saffy2 · 15/08/2023 20:15

DysonSpheres · 15/08/2023 20:10

As usual on MN there is a certain amount of sex bias in operation. I bet if a man were brave enough to start a thread saying he had no emotional attachment to his wife's children from a previous relationship and wouldn't be fussed to never see them again the responses would unanimously be 'what a cold bastard'.

I am frequently left baffled on these step-mum threads as to why someone would marry someone whilst knowing they only feel neutral at best about the SC. A whole marriage. It's like they have managed to mentally compartmentalise their lover from his children. Yet someone's children are an absolutely huge part of them.

But then maybe they're not a huge part of the lives of divorced men so much, as they tend to do the walking away and take less parental responsibility and maybe that's why often these sorts of experiences often appear from the SM angle🤔

Show quote history

I agree. I have no idea how people can be so neutral about children, children which are a part of their partners.
this would be an absolute deal breaker for me in a relationship. And it was a deal breaker for my ex husband too, he ended a relationship over exactly this kind of situation, she wasn’t all in with our child. Which resulted in emotional damage to my child. Children do know when they’re unwanted. It’s ridiculous that anyone thinks otherwise. I feel sorry for kids who have to go to their dads and feel differently to their half siblings. It’s horrible. Truly horrible.

Carpetislife · 15/08/2023 20:16

@saffy2
'Aghast' 'appalling'

Yeah. OK.

Backagain23 · 15/08/2023 20:19

I'm a bit aghast that anyone would think it awful that a mother's love for her own children is above and beyond all other humans on the planet.
I actually want my boys to know that they are special to their old mum at least, beyond all comparison.
I'd not think much of DH if he thought I should be pretending to feel this for any other child. Thankfully he's happy that DSD and I get on, enjoy each others company, I'm there as a support and cheerleader as needed and include her in family life. No need for a big song and dance of pretence about a parent/child relationship. She certainly doesn't think of me as her mum.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 15/08/2023 20:22

Completely understand Op

Allsweep · 15/08/2023 20:22

I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested that stepparents should love their stepchildren as much as their own children. I don't know why people keep saying that.

Not caring if you never see them again, not being upset about that at all is right on the other end and I don't think it's normal

ManchesterLu · 15/08/2023 20:27

AlfietheSchnauzer · 14/08/2023 19:03

Bloody hell. My bloody just ran cold reading this and a couple of the comments. I presume OP & PP dislike animals too, right?

Hahaha, did it though?? Did it really? I think you need to get out more if that's the case.

saffy2 · 15/08/2023 20:28

Allsweep · 15/08/2023 20:22

I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested that stepparents should love their stepchildren as much as their own children. I don't know why people keep saying that.

Not caring if you never see them again, not being upset about that at all is right on the other end and I don't think it's normal

This 👌🏼

YouAreBeingUnbearable · 15/08/2023 20:31

I split with my XDH when his kids were 4 and 7. I still see them now they’re teenagers; luckily we are geographically close so it’s easy to do so without their Dad having to hang around too. We are amicable enough, he drops them off and picks them up. I have a baby with my second DH now and they were so excited to meet her and have formed a lovely bond.

We may not be the norm but I am a bit shocked you wouldn’t miss your DSC at all!

Backagain23 · 15/08/2023 20:32

DysonSpheres · 15/08/2023 19:38

But love is ALWAYS a risk.

Presumably you don't wed your beloved and then continue to exist in a permanent state of anticipated breakup, building hedges and walls of emotional separation with your step-children 'just in case' you may not be in their lives one day.

And if you do then maybe the bond with your husband is based on insecure attachment.

A more positive view would be to open your heart and hope for whatever good comes and if the worst happens, perhaps they might choose to keep in contact of their own volition.

If course the worst scenario does happen and of course not all children are easy to love. But such is life.

Show quote history

I think it's because nobody actually chooses to have step kids. They accept them or don't accept to varying degrees. The primary relationship is with the parent, that's the relationship that is chosen and your in-laws -including step kids - are just part of the package. They aren't why you're there and aren't fulfilling emotional and social needs that made you enter the Primary relationship and take the risk of love.
With step kids there's an unusual level of influence by a third party on how your relationship them will develop - the Ex Factor. It's not just two equals deciding to have a relationship with each other. It's much more complex.

Imafirework · 15/08/2023 20:32

I don't think I'd see mine again if me and DH split up. We get on ok but we're not super close.
I haven't seen my step mother since my dads funeral and I couldn't care less. He was the only person we had in common. She popped up on Facebook a few years ago but I didn't add her because she's nothing to me anymore.

IAmMam · 15/08/2023 20:35

hullabalooyou · 15/08/2023 19:57

I’m presuming then if you dh passed away you would just wash your hands of them also?

What does this mean though? If DH wasn't around at all to facilitate the sibling relationship I would ensure, or try to, that they still saw their siblings. But no I wouldn't want to continue some sort of Co parenting relationship with their mum where they still lived with me for some of the week and stuff. I'd expect to just get together every now and then for the siblings around when it worked for everyone until they were old enough to meet up by themselves.

Wow, I struggle with this. I wonder what your husband thinks? I can’t imagine building a life with someone who would feel this way about my children. And I certainly wouldn’t want to be sending my kids to stay/spend time with someone who felt like this about them.
I also wonder how you’d feel if it were your husband saying this if you had children prior to meeting

laylababe5 · 15/08/2023 20:38

aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2023 19:32

No it wouldn't - it would be their dad's job to do this. I can see this argument if he died, but not if they just split.

Show quote history

Ok, I'll accept that, but my point was more about the siblings seeing each other more regularly than Christmas and birthdays

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 15/08/2023 20:40

I love my DSD. I first knew her as a small child. Since her dad's death many years ago she and I have been a great support to each other. It was loving her that lead me to have my 2 DCs. I will always be grateful to her.

PetuniaT · 15/08/2023 20:42

MontblancTheSecond · 14/08/2023 18:29

Haven’t you grown to love them over the past six years? I do think it sounds a bit sad.

T agree. It's a bit like the "love me, love my dog" situation and I don't even have a dog or like them!

Adhdandme1 · 15/08/2023 20:44

I think it’s like anything. If you have a good relationship with them that you enjoy then you’d probably want to stay in touch.
If your stepkids have been unkind or rude or their mother has made your life difficult in conjunction with them then I can see how a clean break would be a huge relief.

Mrsfussypants1 · 15/08/2023 20:47

I'd try if it's not too late to build a relationship of some kind for your dcs sake, they are his flesh and blood. From my own experience the moment my father passed (I was 21 half brother was 10) our step mother shut us out and we haven't seen our brother in 27 years. I saw him every weekend since he was born, I carried making regular visits and phone calls after 18. He must've wondered where we had gone, and both dB and I made contact when he turned 18, he never responded. Many a time I've thought why was she like this? Both dB and I were so well behaved as kids, helpful, tidy, quiet and we had no objections to having a stepmother at all.

notlucreziaborgia · 15/08/2023 20:50

IAmMam · 15/08/2023 20:35

Wow, I struggle with this. I wonder what your husband thinks? I can’t imagine building a life with someone who would feel this way about my children. And I certainly wouldn’t want to be sending my kids to stay/spend time with someone who felt like this about them.
I also wonder how you’d feel if it were your husband saying this if you had children prior to meeting

Show quote history

I’m not sure why you should be struggling this, considering it’s more common than not for stepparents to lose contact after splitting with a parent. A continued relationship, however idealised it may be, is the exception rather than the rule.

A stepparent becomes one by virtue of being with the parent. That is the primary relationship for most, the stepchildren come along as part of that, but the relationship between stepparent and stepchild doesn’t have to go beyond basic respect and kindness.