Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

[hullabalooyou]

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

I probably would never see my SD again, if DH died, but I think SS would stay in touch. I would hope SD's daughter would continue as part of my life, but if her mother bowed out that might be awkward.

Fascinating thread. I am not a step parent, but I feel sympathy for the OP. I can barely tolerate my own kids at times; there is no way I could have tolerated anyone else's, because that all consuming love would not be there. If DH and I were to split up, I think I would just be single for life.

I agree with this. I wonder how they feel about you. I hope they don’t have any awareness of your sentiments but I expect they do x

Its not cold, its just the reality of a split sometimes, especially if they were living far apart or the children had a new step-mum, plus the ex-husband may not be amenable to the idea for all sorts of reasons. Its not black and white. If the situation was very amicable and the children wanted to maintain a close bond then of course, you would be stupid not to want to remain close to them. There's no right or wrong - it just depends on the situation.

Same here. I'd happily die for my children and they also drive me crazy at times.

No way I'd put up with all that comes with children, if I didn't feel that unconditional love.

That said, I think I would want to see stepkids at least sometimes? Honestly, I find it hard to judge as I have not been in that situation.

Do you live with them though?

@Fallingthroughclouds it depends how you define that. Eldest has left home, youngest currently stays 3 nights a week.

My friend split with her partner and DSD stayed with her after the split. DSS went with his dad but DSD wanted the only ‘mum’ she’s ever known. Friend has since had her own biological daughter and loves them equally. She’d had her in her life since DSD was 3 and split with partner when she was 10.
So I guess it really does depend if there’s a bond. I think if DSC wanted to see you, it would be nice to accommodate.

But it's kinda irrelevant anyway. It's not like they'd choose to live with me in the event that I split from their dad when they've got two actual parents.

I would have been equally shocked. Don't know how anyone can be part of a child's life for six years from age 4 and not become attached to them. My friend who lived with me and my son for one year (son was aged 3) during lockdown cried when he left and still comes to see him and takes him for days out!

Good Lord, that’s absolutely fine, no one has to like anyone, ever, our emotional connections are ours to choose!

if you replaced kids with say, his sisters, no one gives a shit.

It’s just everyone assumes you must always like all kids - no, LOVE all kids, and we all know most people just like their own.

I’ve known people from birth to adulthood, doesn’t mean I have to like them or am in any way attached!

I don’t think what you are saying is shocking.
I met my partner when his two children were the same age as your stepchildren were when you met them.
22 years on i would miss them, especially one of them. And would hate never to see them again. I get on really well with both but one is a constant headache. But when they were younger there were things I didn’t necessarily agree with in their upbringing but it wasn’t my place to massively interfere.
I looked after them, cared for them and did everything I would for my own children. However, I was almost just a kind adult friend.
If I didn’t see them again now after all these years it would be weird but I think it would upset me.
However, back then in the same yearly input as you have I would have happily walked away and not liked back.
You are not saying anything wrong in my view

I do think that you are being a bit strange. Ive never had stepchildren. But I dated a man once who had a child. I dated him five years ago for one year. He had a small son.

I moved country when we went our separate ways. Still if that child ever wanted to see me in the future , I would be very happy to see him. And I only knew him for a year.

My daughter loves her stepmum. I hope she would want to keep in touch if her and my ex split. She's an incredibly important person in her life. The thought of her not loving my daughter breaks me. I would try my best to facilitate as much contact between them as I could, and as they wanted. You have me worried now.

I was the kid that had a step parent (of about 6-7 years) leave suddenly, about a days' "notice", I never saw him or a woman I considered my grandmother (or cousins) again. I was a young teenager at the time and it was difficult. (I do believe this situation was not his fault, but my mother's making, but let's not go there). I guess it depends on circumstances.

Knowing them is not the same as living with them, being part of their family!

I understand that, but would you have NO feelings for the children you had watched grow up, lived with, were part of your husband, were your children's siblings?

This is what the OP seems to be saying. Unless they are total little b@st@r!s then I don't get it.

I don’t think constant contact would probably work but l would make myself available if they wanted to see me . They have a half sibling after all and it’s odd that you think they wouldn’t be affected by losing that !

I had my stepdaughter from the age of 2.5 she came every weekend and every holiday etc. I was the one who always provided for her and cared for her when she was with us. She always said I was more like a mother to her than her own mom? She was treated exactly the same as my own children when with us. It’s very hard to love someone else’s child as your own however I tried really hard and often out my own feelings aside. Then, when me and her dad split after 25 years of marriage she took her dads side and has never spoke to me again since. Accept your feelings, if it’s how you feel you’re being honest with yourself and don’t give it a second thought. Until your friend has walked a mile in your shoes she cannot judge you.

I’m so glad I didn’t have to grow up in the same household as an adult who didn’t love me, and I feel for all those children who do.

Well judging from reading MN op, it seems that most step parents don't give a shiny shit about their stepkids. So you are among your people here.

Me too.

😢