Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

[hullabalooyou]

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

How is that anything even close to love?

But they wouldn't lose their half sibling, they'd see their sibling when they saw their father surely?

It’s interesting as a man said the same thing and so it’s interesting to hear it from a woman’s POV.

I find it quite sad actually.

I’m not a step parent but if my friend or sibling died then I’d still want contact with their kids because it doesn’t matter if we’re blood or not.

I would always hope that my DDs step dad would look out for her if I die as she has no biological dad or much family.

I think its very sad. My ex husband was my DS's stepfather for 20 years. My DS saw him both as a friend and a father figure.
My ex walked out of our marriage and ghosted both of us. He never said goodbye to DS or ever spoke to him again.
DS was rejected by his own father and his stepfather and now finds it hard to trust anyone.
It was a wicked thing to do.
How can you do that to your own child's siblings. It's very cold IMO.

The OP is saying she would have no desire to see them though. It's not about the practicalities of distance or how amicable the split is, she simply wouldn't want them in her life. That makes me feel sad, they are young kids and probably have an attachment to her. She can't force emotions she doesn't have, but it does seem cold.

Put your handbags down ladies 👜🥊

My grandmother was a SM and after her husband died his children never bothered to visit her. My GM was also the mother to their sibling that her and husband had together. They didn't even turn up at my grandmother's funeral.

Step relationship's are complicated and sometimes neither wants anything to do with eachother and sometimes they do. It's a tricky one this is because neither step mum or child owes anything to eachother. If the relationship was to breakdown it would be more complicated especially if they have a child with their spouse but it there is no children only step children I think it would be weird if they are no longer SM and now mums or dads ex to keep the relationship going with the children. It doesn't seem right to expect a relationship after.

I think it totally depends n the relationship though, doesn’t it?
My father’s wife has virtually zero interest in any of us, even after 30+ years. We’re all civil and polite and look like we get on famously, but there is no bond. She has only ever been interested in her relationship with dad, not in his offspring.
They don’t have any kids together, (she doesn’t have any at all), so if dad passes away first, I really think we’re going to struggle to retain any kind of contact with her. It’ll probably dwindle to birthday and Xmas cards.
I don’t feel like I missed out through not being close to her - we’re completely different people with absolutely no common ground. 🤷🏼‍♀️

With my first husband - neither his ex (their mum) or he did any parenting - the children were 6 and 10 and I did it all - ex husband took major advantage saying ‘don’t you want to bond’ ‘don’t you accept my kids’ etc but looking back hang on - every single day I did drop offs at school and pick ups - ex husband wasn’t home Monday - Friday - the kids came week on and week off. Ex wife didn’t even ring if she wanted a night out she just dropped them off.

When I left him - it was after a year of marriage without the children it would have been months or weeks of marriage.

I never saw them again - he’s now on wife 6 (I was 3) and I thought I really loved them and at the time I really really did - but the eldest was 18 - 7years or so ago - she knows who I am and how to reach me - and never did. My ex was abusive so I really couldn’t keep in touch.

They have a parent, or two parents - if it is an amicable split - you could keep in touch I see no reason why not.

At the time I thought I really loved my step children - however I only knew them for less than 2 years - it doesn’t compare to my own 16 and 10 year old. The feelings are totally different.

This attitude seems very prevalent in here but it’s not true at all for me. My in laws are always gonna be my in laws even though I divorced my children’s father 15 years ago.

What if your ex did split up with her and moved on with another woman and what if the split wasn't amicable. I think it's nice your daughter wants a relationship but what if she's too heartbroken and wants to move on.

You all sound nice an stable so I doubt the above would happen but what if because people are fickle and self destructive.

I can’t imagine this myself but my step mum doesn’t bother with us, now my Dad is dead. She never did though but tbh but it still hurts.

I love my own step son a great deal. I’ve been in his life since he was 8. He’s now 21. (My husband I and also also have children together)

I hope he’s always in my life because he’s an important part of it.

I think it depends on whether they live with you full time or if your husband is a Disney dad to them? My stepdaughter lived with her Dad and me full time from the age of 6 to when she moved out at 24. She’s as much my daughter as my own children - I couldn’t imagine her not being part of my life.

I really don't get this 'step DC' talk! When you marry your partner ( or get into a long-term relationship), you take on all their baggage inc children that biologically aren't yours.

You have DCs who are the sister/brother of these children, yet you wont see them other than at bdays etc?

YABU.

In fact I found your post quite callous.

I bet the hairs on the back of her neck stood up as well.. 🙄

I think its honest. I had 2 stepmothers in my life one from age 8 to 14 and one from 15 to30. Neither kept contact with me after the divorce. I wish no 2 had she was a lovely woman but her and my dad had a bad breakup

You don’t “get” step children being called step children? Do you even have step children?

I have my two biological children and I have two adult step children, they aren’t mine they are my husband’s and his ex wife’s therefore they are my stepchildren. The fact that i married their dad doesn’t automatically make them my children.

And you haven't even hit the teenage years yet!

if my exes kids reached out to me the door is open but im not going to seek them out because their dad was abusive to me , and their mother doesn't like me
i only see them at special occasions like dd's birthday , which is fine

It’s ok @saffy2 don’t be too “aghast” not all blended families are sunshine and flowers and stepparents adoring each other, some of them even hate each other.. Imagine that 😱

Everyone's circumstances are different, if you're lucky enough to be close to yours then good for you. Other people, like myself, have suffered and struggled to maintain that bond and my MH suffered massively to the point where nothing I did was good enough and I made the decision to cut ties because it wasn't healthy for anyone.
Being a step parent isn't for everyone and unfortunately situations arise years later when it's not that easy to just walk away.
Don't judge or shoot people down for admitting they've struggled, making the decision to leave the relationship was the hardest ever for me but also the relief at not dealing with the same shit from his kids day in day out was a huge weight lifted.

Then I would be incredibly sad. I'm in poor health so won't be around for as long as I'd hoped. I try to stay positive and pray SM will still be around and loving my daughter long after I'm gone.

My dad married when I was 15 & by the time he died, they had been together 25yrs. We had a pretty good relationship, but the last time I saw or spoke to her was the day of my dad's funeral. If we passed in the street, we would smile & say hello. I have no interest in continuing a relationship with her, and I assume the feeling is mutual.

My steson is a product of my husband who I love. Why wouldn't I love his son? My husband loves my daughter unconditionally. When she did a family tree in schoolat 11 she asked about "dad's" family because she loves him, I said shouldn't you being doing the other mans family and she said he's just a sperm donor, her birth father is a knob and she knows it. He tried to contact her recently and she sad "happiness" that's what she calls him because he is so miserable, contacted her and she said he must need one of my organs because he hasn't bothered since I was 5. I have never bad mouthed him to her, the thought are all her own. I used to run the local rugby club and she worked for me, he came to the bar and got served by her and never even acknoledged her, she was fine with that and it just reaffirmed what she thouth of him. She is 33 now and loving life running her own business.

Why does the answer have to be binary?
some step kid relationships are good, some are okay, some are problematic, some are unhealthy, some are painful etc etc.
There's no one size fits all, and shaming people for whom it’s better if they cut off is not kind. Just because you’re lucky enough to enjoy good relations with your step kids, doesn’t meet you should extract some kind of moral superiority pleasure from hearing that some people have found it better all round to not keep in touch.