Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

[hullabalooyou]

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

Well this thread is the gift that keeps on giving...
Evil step mother.
Therapy.

😄

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
Idiotic comment.

A friend of mine is in this situation. She became their step mum when they were primary school age and was married to their day until their late teens/early 20s. She exchanges Xmas cards with them now but doesn’t see them. I don’t think either side were interested in continuing a relationship.

I honestly find your statement as bizarre as saying you could happily not see your partner again if you broke up tomorrow.

This would be normal, surely?

In my experience the stepchildren have no role for their stepmum. Mine had a good mum who they loved so I became superfluous once they were able to cater for themselves. I never saw mine again.

I do find it a bit odd and a bit sad. My DP passed away and my DSS is with myself and will always be apart of our lives.
i couldn’t imagine waking up tomorrow and him not being here.

I think this is a very strange attitude. I know a couple of people who have split from their husbands but they both still involve the stepchildren in their own children's lives. They are family, half siblings to their own children! Very odd to just cut them out completely I think.

I have one step daughter and I see her all the time after the wife died. She has 3 kids 24,10 and 8, I've always thought of her as a daughter rather than a step daughter.

I think it's sad that you are just thinking of your own needs & not what the children might want.
It can be traumatic for a child to suddenly not see people who are part of your life.

Let's turn this around. Are stepchildren that could independently maintain a relationship with their SM after a break up , but don't want to ,evil stepchildren, psychopaths, in need of therapy?

I think it's a little sad that you haven't developed any bond strong enough to feel like this
My dh has been dd step father for 7 years and they tel each other they love each other every single day .
I feel very blessed though x

Sorry, but not if you are a parent to them. If you do not parent at all perhaps, but otherwise not so.

I think this is really sad tbh. You have been in their little lives for 6 years. Do you not love them?

So what I've taken from this thread is that you are a psychopathic, wicked and evil person if you don't love everyone you've known for more than lets say, a few years? Seems reasonable.

But they aren't... they are growing up with the mother and father who presumably do love them.

They are not growing up with OP, they just stay at their fathers house sometimes. A house where OP also happens to live.

People going on about sibling too, my mam had 5 siblings:

3 full bio siblings (she lived and grew up with as they where raised by their mother)

1 step sibling (who lived and grew up separately raised by step mother)

1 much younger half sibling (who is barely younger than me and lived and was raised separately from her by father and step-mother).

My mam was only close with 1 sibling... the much younger half sibling that she didn't grow up with and who had an entirely different up bring too.

Being forced into contanct or raised together means nothing, being raised apart means nothing. Personality is what matters and siblings will like or dislike each other regardless of their parents or home life.

Many who aren't raised together will seek each out out in adulthood. I have many friends with half siblings they didn't know as kids who found each other as adults and get along fine. I also know a couple who met a long lost sibling didn't feel a vibe and both choose not to pursue it same as I know people with estranged full blood siblings.

To become a bonus care giver to extra children is an absolute blessing

Is it? As I said earlier, I have had enough parenting my own DC- only 2 of them through their teens- and I don't think I could muster up the energy to parent more DC. Am pretty burnt out. I would hate to be a bonus care giver to extra children. My worst nightmare!

I am sorry about that. You know why your daughter loves her because you're all in a stable place. Please don't think about the future focus on having as many good times as possible with your daughter.

My children have a step-mum, who is no longer with their dad, they have a (half) sibling with her, and consider them both to be a part of our family, and she (step-mum) considers my children to be part of her family too. We get together regularly and celebrate birthdays, Mother's Day, Christmas and other stuff.

I guess it depends on how much time you currently spend with your step-children, but I honestly think it's a bit strange that you feel so detached that you'd not see them again if you split with their dad. I hope they aren't aware that you feel so little for them.

I find it callous to refer to my stepchild as "baggage" to be honest. And the idea that I should commandeer another woman's child just because I married her ex.
Funny how we all have our own sensibilities.

I think a lot also depends on the relationship with other parties. Hell would freeze over before my husband's ex wife would even mention our DC's name. I can't imagine she even recognises them as being her children's siblings. I've often though if my DH was to die, the ex would not facilitate a relationship at all which is sad because the SC (at the moment) aren't old enough to do that themselves.

I think the major difference is they are very young and so they have spent a significant proportion of their lives so far with you in it, and you equally have watched them grow up so far. It’s not like stepchildren who you meet when they’re grown up, it’s completely different.

If I had a stepparent as an adult who had been married to my parent for a few years and then split, I might feel indifferent, where as meeting as a young child it just seems weird to have not formed any attachment.

They’re kids, unless they’re utter devils with no boundaries, they can be so cute and funny! It would be near impossible for me not to have bonded.

I'm with your friend. It is shocking.

You're part of their lives. They live with you part of the week. They're your DC's siblings.

For me, it's difficult to understand how you wouldn't form a bond with anyone who was living in your home 'x' days per week for 6 years. Add to that that is they're your DH DC and your DCs love and adore them - if find it impossible to me to love them.

It's weird and shocking and sad.

My view
Not taking any parental role equates to why you don't feel in a parental way.
If you had taken a parental role I'd think you were cold to not care.... hypothetically