The straw that broke the camel’s back..

[JH20000]

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

[BlossomCloud]

I'd get out of there. It sounds like a nightmare.

[StopMindlesslyScrolling]

It sounds like you're the only guy me actively parenting these kids and all you're getting is grief for it.

Your life is oils be so much calmer and relaxed if you lived elsewhere and only had yourself to worry about.

You could still date your DP if you wanted to (though he sounds a bit spineless to me, so not sure why you'd want to) but move out, simplify your life and in a short time all this will seem like a bad dream and you'll be wondering why you put up with it for so long.

[Totaly]

Ye wWhy are you doing this?

In would hate to be with someone like your DP who couldn’t stand up to his ex wife, offer you some support and actually parent his kids.

Leave he doesn’t have your back.

[Restinggoddess]

You sound like the only one who put boundaries in place - and the fact he shrugged his shoulders and agreed with his wife means you are doomed

They are clearly crap parents - I would be reflecting on what it is you want and whether it includes DP let alone these kids who have no chance because their biological parents failed them

[purpleboy]

Well it's not going to get any better. They've both let those kids down, but rather than looking in the mirror they're outsourcing the blame to you.
For your own sanity leave,

[SandyY2K]

I think you should have left it to the parent to tell the child not to come over. As a stepparent, you'll always look bad for doing that.

Considering his ex is rather difficult... that just played into her hands.

[JH20000]

@SandyY2K

I think you should have left it to the parent to tell the child not to come over. As a stepparent, you'll always look bad for doing that.

Considering his ex is rather difficult... that just played into her hands.

I know, but when DP rarely disciplines his kids…

I think I’m exhausted in general with it all, I’ve been dragged into every drama they have and have had abuse thrown at me every time. I’ve done nothing but be good to the kids and have devoted my time, energy and money into them.

[Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie]

You need to change your expectations. It sounds like you care for the kids, but rather seeing yourself as a parental figure, try to be more like an aunt. You don’t need to discipline them, or set rules. Be the person they know that can call to be picked up if they get themselves into a situation they don’t want to tell their parents about.
Don’t let your life revolve around them, your evenings are for relaxing not for cooking and cleaning up after them. And definitely don’t do any washing, if their stuff goes back to mums dirty that’s on dad not you.
The kids are heading into tricky years, one person trying to establish boundaries when their parents won’t will not get the kids to behave, it will just cause friction. Just be there to gently guide them and give advice if they ask. It might feel like you are sitting back and watching them self destruct, but it’s on the parents to sort this. Love them and enjoy their company, be a Disney mum. And most of all, block all communication with their mum. She no longer exists. Don’t go to the door when, and never no matter what go to or do drop offs. Take back your life, and enjoy the fun parts of being a family with none of the stress and responsibility.

[Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie]

And your money is yours. Keep it separate from family money.

[toomuchlaundry]

As you don’t have joint DC, I would cut my losses and leave. Too much drama and if your DP is a crap dad then it is only going to get worse

[JH20000]

@Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie

You need to change your expectations. It sounds like you care for the kids, but rather seeing yourself as a parental figure, try to be more like an aunt. You don’t need to discipline them, or set rules. Be the person they know that can call to be picked up if they get themselves into a situation they don’t want to tell their parents about.
Don’t let your life revolve around them, your evenings are for relaxing not for cooking and cleaning up after them. And definitely don’t do any washing, if their stuff goes back to mums dirty that’s on dad not you.
The kids are heading into tricky years, one person trying to establish boundaries when their parents won’t will not get the kids to behave, it will just cause friction. Just be there to gently guide them and give advice if they ask. It might feel like you are sitting back and watching them self destruct, but it’s on the parents to sort this. Love them and enjoy their company, be a Disney mum. And most of all, block all communication with their mum. She no longer exists. Don’t go to the door when, and never no matter what go to or do drop offs. Take back your life, and enjoy the fun parts of being a family with none of the stress and responsibility.

Thanks, I know I need to take a step back. It’s just difficult isn’t it?!

as for mum, the problem is she enjoys turning up unannounced. 10.30pm tonight she turned up, banging on the door then the window repeatedly.. DP answered the door and she launched into her rant. It’s hard to disconnect from her as DP won’t stand up to her at all. If she had a problem she’s more than welcome to contact us during more sociable hours and in a polite way, but she enjoys causing as much grief as possible.

[Aquamarine1029]

I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

No shit. That's the understatement of the year. What the fuck are you even doing??

You're the maker of your own misery, op. All you have to do is walk away. You have nothing tying you to this useless man. GTFO.

[INeedAnotherName]

I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. 

You probably wouldn't need those anymore if you left. Why are you medicating yourself just so you can exist when there is a better and cheaper alternative?

And I get it. I thought I needed medical intervention just to survive my marriage then the penny dropped. I'm figuring out how to leave but my mood has brightened considerably already.

[Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie]

If she bangs on the door don’t answer it. If DP does just leave the room. If you both ignore her and call the police she will just feel stupid. But by engaging with her she probably feels like she can control you.

[Aquamarine1029]

I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications.

You genuinely haven't figured out that leaving this toxic shit show is clearly better than drugging yourself up just to cope with the bullshit?

[timetorefresh]

I think his lack of support for you would be a relationship ender for me. Are you getting positives out of this relationship?

[HerAvatar]

What would leaving look like for you OP? Do you have a mortgage/other ties to DP or would it be relatively simple to separate? Do you have friends and family to support you and somewhere you could go short term if you left? Tbh it sounds horrendous and I would be running for the hills, I'm a SM of over 20 years and it's a thankless, impossible task if you don't have your DP's backing. Him siding with the ex would be the last straw for me in your shoes, what a fucking betrayal after everything you've clearly put in to raising his kids

[DPotter]

I am the person who ended up in counselling and very nearly on anti-depressants because my other half refused to seek treatment for his own depression. In other others I was being treated for HIS depression. In your life you are being treated for incompetent parents - this is not sustainable beyond the very short term.

So your options

• do nothing -the drama, poor parenting & you being pulled into situations you should be staying away from. This is unacceptable and you know this because you've come here to ask for help
• ramp up your efforts. Somehow get your DP on board and slowly get things back on track. Given that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, that you can't change someone else's behaviour, etc etc, You're on a hide into nothing, which leads us to the final options, with variations
• stepping away - separating yourself, having nothing to do with the kids, doing nothing for them, dropping the rope basically. Alternatively you can leave, draw breath, rest yourself and get off the medication. This could take time too, but may well be the best option for you.

[Justanything86]

You don't need to change your expectations you need to get out of there. Kids are horrible, his ex is abusive, he doesn't stand up for you. There's literally nothing in this for you but misery.

You are effectively gaslighting yourself by taking antidepressants to deal with it rather than seeing your feelings as natural to the situation and telling you to take action.

I do understand as I did the same myself. I think it's part of the way society treats step mothers, we feel we need to do better and that we are the problem somehow. You aren't the problem, they are.

[BlueSkyAndButterflies]

@Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie

You need to change your expectations. It sounds like you care for the kids, but rather seeing yourself as a parental figure, try to be more like an aunt. You don’t need to discipline them, or set rules. Be the person they know that can call to be picked up if they get themselves into a situation they don’t want to tell their parents about.
Don’t let your life revolve around them, your evenings are for relaxing not for cooking and cleaning up after them. And definitely don’t do any washing, if their stuff goes back to mums dirty that’s on dad not you.
The kids are heading into tricky years, one person trying to establish boundaries when their parents won’t will not get the kids to behave, it will just cause friction. Just be there to gently guide them and give advice if they ask. It might feel like you are sitting back and watching them self destruct, but it’s on the parents to sort this. Love them and enjoy their company, be a Disney mum. And most of all, block all communication with their mum. She no longer exists. Don’t go to the door when, and never no matter what go to or do drop offs. Take back your life, and enjoy the fun parts of being a family with none of the stress and responsibility.

Yeh...fuck that shit! OP doesn't have to put up with her partner's druggie kids disrespecting her in her own home much less the kids parents giving her abuse or condoning it. The situation has made her ill. Sure, she should change her expectations...she should expect more not less!

LTB OP, he's a waste of space both as a parent and as a partner. Cut contact with the lot of them and you'll have a chance to recover your health. You're not married which makes it easier. Who owns the house?

[Ohdofuckofdear]

Bollocks to that OP they're both using you as a skivvy and your partner's ex is using you as an emotional punch bag!

I couldn't be with a man like that who stands by and watches his partner being screamed at and threatened by his ex and agrees with the ex, honestly OP what are you getting from all this?it doesn't sound like things are going to get any better with him,his children or his ex do you really want another 20/30 years of that nonsense?

I'd do yourself a big favour and leave him!

[Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie]

@BlueSkyAndButterflies

Yeh...fuck that shit! OP doesn't have to put up with her partner's druggie kids disrespecting her in her own home much less the kids parents giving her abuse or condoning it. The situation has made her ill. Sure, she should change her expectations...she should expect more not less!

LTB OP, he's a waste of space both as a parent and as a partner. Cut contact with the lot of them and you'll have a chance to recover your health. You're not married which makes it easier. Who owns the house?

Absolutely she should ltb. But I don’t know if she actually will. This is more of a plan b. Or until she does leave.

[Reugny]

If you have to medicate yourself then you need to kick your DP out. He can then take his badly parented children and his abusive ex with him.

If your name is officially on the place where you live, them when his ex turns up call the police. If necessarily say you are going to commit an offence towards her if they don't remove her from your property to get them to turn up.

The only person who can change this shit show is you. Your DP doesn't care. He's happy for you to do his work
parenting for him and take abuse from his ex.

[Anothernamethesamegame]

I mean you just need to leave this relationship op. Do you feel able to?

No point mentioning anything else I don’t think. He stood there and agreed as his ex screamed at you and blamed you for the kids behaviour. That’s awful!!


what do you get from this relationship. It sounds horrendous

[readbooksdrinktea]

@Aquamarine1029

I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications.

You genuinely haven't figured out that leaving this toxic shit show is clearly better than drugging yourself up just to cope with the bullshit?

Quite! Get out of this relationship, OP. He sounds like a complete drip. Don't waste your life.