The straw that broke the camel’s back..

[JH20000]

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

Can you kick him out while you are arranging the sale of the house? You won't want to stay there anymore anyway unless you have put a lot of work and money into it. Perhaps he can stay with his ex for a bit? They both seem to be on the same page when it comes to raising feral future criminal children? Oh and abusing the genuinely good moral kind people in their lives, clearly a lot in common.

Seriously OP this family is trash and right now you could be having a lovely easy life in your own place with a nice holiday to look forward to.

They are just trashy trashy messed up people. You are not.

I’m sorry I’ve not responded to people’s messages, my mental health isn’t so good and I’m just doing the bare minimum to keep putting one foot in front of the other right now.

DP has been on at me saying I’m obviously very mentally unwell and he can’t put up with me anymore. I’m being gaslighted into thinking I’m really mentally unwell, even when I’m being reasonable and calm with him. He keeps trying to convince me that I’m in desperate need of help, making up that I’m having manic episodes and that he sincerely hopes I get help. I am starting to doubt myself so much I’m checking the ring camera footage when he says I’m having a manic episode and I’m clearly not (for example I was sat on the sofa watching tv when he said I was being manic). He’s making me start to doubt my own reality.

Sorry I will get back to people’s messages - I’m just trying to keep my head above water and I’m concentrating on my job, the only thing I enjoy and is going well for me.

As for the kids, as I’m now aware this seems to more of a DP problem, I have done so much for them in terms of practicalities and emotionally. I’ve taken them on as if they were my own and I realise now it’s just become a situation of taking advantage.

I fully agree with anyone who is asking me what the heck I’m doing.

DP has been on at me saying I’m obviously very mentally unwell and he can’t put up with me anymore.
Oh my god...agree, agree!! Take him up on his offer!! Tell him to leave!!

I’m being gaslighted into thinking I’m really mentally unwell, even when I’m being reasonable and calm with him. He keeps trying to convince me that I’m in desperate need of help, making up that I’m having manic episodes and that he sincerely hopes I get help.
Honestly sweetie, I think you should seek help. You need to unravel why you are just accepting his abuse and the first step is to make a GP appointment. However, and this is very important, you must disclose you are in an abusive relationship and you are struggling to leave. That way they can refer you to counselling and other support services instead of just handing out medication. There is help out there, just not the kind he means 😉

Oh, and I do believe you

He is emotionally abusive. People like him have a sixth sense for when you're considering breaking up with them and they pull out all the stops to prevent it. He's trying to make you think you can't survive without him so you don't break up with him. Please contact Women's Aid for help. There's a national helpline but there will also be a local branch you can phone or visit, you don't need an appointment.

Your head will never be clear while he's in it with his abuse. This is also part of the plan. To keep you focused on him, what he's doing, what he might do, what he's thinking, what he's saying. To prevent you thinking about other things, like breaking up.

All the time and energy you're spending analysing what he's saying or doing, checking camera footage, questioning yourself/your health - that's time you're not spending talking to Women's Aid, estate agents, police, solicitors and packing up your things.

After reading your update, I can't stress enough that you need to leave them all to it.
The DC have an excuse for their bad behaviour, their parents and their ages.
What's your DP's excuse?
He's a gaslighting dickhead.
You do realise that your mental health will improve all by itself when you leave ❤️

This .
This family sound a chaotic nightmare .

Oh OP. Can you go and stay anywhere for a few days to get your head together. I'd make out that because you're so mentally unwell you can't possibly put yourself on him and his dc and you're off to be by yourself and get yourself better. You just need to get out of there for a bit and to catch your breath.

You aren't making this up. I believe you. Your soon to be ex knows he's fucked right up and he is abusing you mentally to avoid the consequence of yet another fuck up.

If you were my friend you could have my sofa, I'm sure if you reached out to your friends in RL or your family and let them know what's going on you will get support.

I had a counselling session yesterday where I finally admitted I am being used as an emotional punchbag. It’s really made a light go on in my head.

I found out that DP and his ex have met up to discuss me and my behaviour in secret. She is claiming that she doesn’t want the kids to go back to us because I dared question one of her kids as to why he came home late without any warning. This is what this entire situation is about, that I dared to ask one of their kids to have a bit of respect. She feels the household is now not safe and wants all the kids to live with her full time.

She has told DP that I must move out and she won’t return the kids until I do.

DP has said he has to make a decision and that’s his kids. I’ve been gently told I need to move out.

I now realise his ex rules the roost and he’ll always dance to her tune.

Is the house rented and whose name is on the lease/mortgage?

Given the awful situation with all of them and that you’ve realised you’re being used as a punching bag the best thing you can do for yourself is walk away.

You need time to work on yourself and to process what’s happened to you in this relationship.

Who leaves does depend on your housing situation though.

I should say while you’re likely feeling a lot of emotions, which is completely normal, you can do a lot better than this DP & his family.

Do you rent or own the house?

This relationship is absolutely toxic. His ex and his children also sound toxic.

You need to get out of this mess ASAP. No wonder you are struggling. They are systematically bringing you down.

I'm assuming you are not married as you say DP. You said the house is both of yours.

If you own it start the process of selling it. Take your half of the proceeds as soon as you can and live elsewhere. If you rent start looking for a new rental for yourself and give notice to your landlord.

It's time to start putting yourself first.

Given you both own the house...

We both own the house but I’m financially independent.

I would be 'gently' telling him that No you will not be moving out. He is free to do so and you will make arrangements to sell /pay him his share. If you walk away it will be a nightmare to get the house sold or you off the deeds / mortgage.

DP has said he has to make a decision and that’s his kids. I’ve been gently told I need to move out.

Tell him you will do that but the house needs to be sold first (or he buys you out). Get three estate agents in to get an average of it's worth. Good luck OP, this might be the break you are needing

you both own the house. And he cannot be trusted to act.

sorry, moving out does not work for you. You will have estate agents round to value the property and he can either buy you out, you buy him out or sell and move. Do not trust him to do the right thing. Make an appointment with your solicitor too.

Please don't move out without it being sold. He will sabotage the sale in the name of needing his dc to stay over.

Please please go and get some legal financial advice.

Ring the estate agents and start valuation process.

What a relief that he's chosen to end this! Honestly OP I hope you aren't feeling too devastated as your mental health and happiness is finally on the up.

Have you got friends to go and drink champagne with. No more gaslighting! No more crazy ex and horrible kids! No more horrible exdp.

I bet when he realises you mean it and the estate agents are round he's going to go on the attack and abuse you further/or DARVO and make you beg to stay with him and that you will change. Please please get real life support to not let this happen!

Do not move out. It'll be an absolute nightmare getting him out/making him sell up. I'm sorry to say I think he'd have the kids and the "ex" living in the house the second you drove away.

If you are not married to their father, you are not their stepmother. You are the person who lives with their father.

not your circus….

Don't leave until the house is sold, but sell ASAP. He sounds like someone who will make selling very difficult. If he kicks off about his kids needing to see him, point out he could also move out to facilitate that. Don't leave without your share of the money in your account, or you could be waiting an absolute age if he can't find anything suitable in his new budget.

I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation OP. It sounds so stressful, you'll be so much better off out of it. Think how lovely it will be in your own new home, just you, in peace and tranquility.

@JH20000 im sorry 😞

There is no going back to that.

Now is the time to protect yourself.
I don’t know what’s the situation re the house, but you might need a solicitor involved if you need to sell.
fwiw I suspect your MH will get much better once you are out of there.

He's not supportive to you. He's not helping his kids. His kids are beyond difficult. What kind of guy shrugs off stuff to do with his kids, and doesn't realise how you've gone above and beyond. What a d*. You sound really nice and responsible .

Definitely leave!

Oh no, sorry I didn't see the follow up. They're awful. Definitely leave though, hope it works out OK. Lots of helpful people to advise here ❤️