The straw that broke the camel’s back..

[JH20000]

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

Then you make a phone call to Women's Aid for advice and you make sure he is not there for your meeting with social services. Tell the social worker the truth. This family do not deserve your loyalty.

OP please see a solicitor
You own, or part own, the house.
If you leave you will be paying the mortgage (because otherwise it will affect your credit rating) and he will live there with every incentive to delay selling for as long as possible.
Tell him firmly that he needs to be the one who leaves, unless one of you can buy the other out. And that you aren't just going to move out because he is bullying you

All of this.

He wants to get you out of the house without having to pay you for your half - hence the social services involvement - or the threat of it.

He is not a nice man and you will be a much happier woman without him. See a solicitor to secure you equity in the house.

Can you have a friend or relative with you if/when social services arrive? Did you actually hear from someone? Because personally I doubt they have actually called them in - this is a threat to get you out of the house. Have a friend with you. Refuse to have him in the room. Show the ring doorbell footage. Explain that you are leaving him. Tell social services you have serious concerns about both their parenting but it is no longer your problem.

OP I'm a SW, PM me anytime if you are stuck on something.

You will absolutely NOT get a black mark against you. Please please please be honest with the SW even if it's a phone call after if you can't be honest in front of DP.

Oh and if you're really such a bad person then he will be the one up shits creek when he has to explain to the SW why he stayed with you for so long.. he's not going to do that. This is all emotional abuse.

What @Pallisers said.

He is trying to take your house Op make no mistake. Do you really think that social services have a list of potentially troublesome people that activates once that person becomes pregnant? (Unless you have previously been in care or had a conviction for a crime against a child) even then they just check up. No bat signal goes out.

There's no bat signal if you've been in care either.

@JH20000 he can’t force you out of your own home. Tell him to bring it on with social services. Kids are probably known to them due to the parents and kids behaviour anyway. This is no fault of yours!

If their is an issue with the children then social services will tell the parents they have to stay with mum until it’s investigated.

tell DH you’ll ring social services yourself to sort it out. Soon back down from his empty threats then.

You really need to stand up for yourself and get advice from women’s aid and/or a solicitor and possibly the police of you feel threatened or scared of being in your own home.

if your partner wants you to leave them he needs to figure out how’s he is going to sell the house and give you your share.

He’s going to absolutely gas light you about this and try and get you to leave and walk away from it all.

good luck. Keep coming here and we will bolster you up. xx

Thank you.

Massive massive drip feed so I apologise but I didn’t want this to be outing.. this may also explain why social have become involved quickly.

the ex wife has already been under ‘watch’ by social services for neglect and drug taking. Any previous information sent to social services about myself has always been positive.

I am struggling to see the wood from the trees at the moment. Rational me would explain to social services the situation, however I think he’s gaslighted me so much I’m terrified.

Please don't be terrified. You have nothing to be scared of. You are a good person here. All the threats about any future children you might have are completely meaningless. They have no basis in fact.

But I'm concerned that he might try to make living in your house increasingly difficult for you.

Now is the time to step up and show these useless abusive and child neglecting fuckers that you are not to be messed with.

Please get legal advice. Even if it leaves you broke for the rest of the month or you have to borrow money.

The children have a "safe"home with their mother. It is not essential that they stay with their father at your home. If you can manage it stay in the house. Once you vacate, he will likely drag things out. If he wants to see his kids he can go to the Ex.

You really need to see a solicitor. If even be minded to report him and her to the bloody police for harassment. At the very least contact women's aid.

Do tell the truth.

Sorry you're going through this.

Take positive action right now. Book an appointment with a solicitor to work out how to get the house sold.

Stop listening to anything he says, he's not be trusted. Seriously. He's just trying to get in your head. He is not saying anything that is truthful, its just manipulative lies.

Get copies of all important documents out of the house and somewhere safe. Start getting your ducks in a row.

If he starts with the mental health manipulation say the following:

Given you feel I'm unstable and you cannot have your children around me, then I'm sure you'll be making plans to move out as soon as possible. I will not be moving out as this property is also 50% mine.

You do not have to move out. You have a legal right to be there.

But try to ignore him as much as possible whilst you dig your escape tunnel.

OP I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this. Sounds absolutely awful. The children sound awful but your DP is just adding another layer to it all. You should be a team and he threw you under the bus. I suspect your OH finds it easier to fall out of favour with you than his ex but it’s completely unacceptable.

Also I'm really sorry OP, but you need to understand that it's your partner here who is the worst person, not the mum. She sounds like she has addiction problems and doesn't understand how to behave, his behaviour is much more calculated and truly callous. He is your problem here.

Wow. They (I am including your partner in this) sound a nightmare. I'd leave OP. It won't get better

The worst that can happen is OP that the SW says his dc need to see their dad outside of your home. That would be great news. I know it can be scary to have social workers involved but honestly they aren't your dc and there will NOT be any black marks against you with this. You will get signposted to the local DA support services who will help you with the housing situation.

This.

OP, I know it's hard, but please try not to believe his manipulation. Keep coming back to this thread for support and to read the positive messages.

If you have anyone in real life you can confide in, please do.

DO NOT leave your home under any circumstances. Once you've done that you will find it hard to ever go back or get it sold.

Tell DH that he can move out if he wishes, but you're staying in your home. Keep a diary of everything he & his ex say and do, and get a copy of the ring doorbell footage saved to your phone as evidence.

Start making plans to divorce him, gather details of everything, take photos/photocopies etc.

Hope it all goes well for you.

I'd leave. If your partner doesn't support you, why bother? It won't get any better.

You absolutely must tell the truth to social services and show them the ring doorbell footage.

If you co own the house and she doesn't want yo send the kids if you're there then he has to move out.

You can then buy him out or sell up and split as is fair.

Don't let him gaslight you.

I repeat show SS the footage and also tell them the truth

I can’t believe how mad this is on his part! How ungrateful.

At least it gives you the last excuse you perhaps need to help you leave him.

Don't be scared of getting legal advice OP. The women who supported me in my custody case many years ago were absolutely amazing, they totally got the situation and I'm grateful to them and think of them often.

Even if you totally lost your shit with the child, it really doesn't matter. He was treating your home like a hotel and any reasonable person would have eventually started shouting, especially with a partner that offers no support.

He is an abusive prick and so is she. Why did they split, they were made for each other?!?
Try and record him as well if you can, phone in pocket on record when he’s gaslighting you. Play it to SS, remain calm and factual.