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Step-parenting

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Original poster

The straw that broke the camel’s back..

985 replies

JH20000 · 29/07/2023 23:58

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

OP posts:
Yea2023 · 30/07/2023 09:21

Life is too short for this bullshit, is it even a step problem seeing as the DSK are a result of their DF failure?

Their DM sounds unhinged but DF could have made a sanctuary for them, he failed.

Your DH allowed you to be berated on your own doorstep, he failed.

I’d leave OP. You don’t need this shit.

Yea2023 · 30/07/2023 09:23

To add, the DSC problems sound like a result of their poor parenting.

It’s not normal.

Vrisky · 30/07/2023 09:28

I'm so glad you're thinking of leaving. You deserve a much better life than this.

Get your freedom and run far away from this horrible man and his horrible family. He is gaslighting you.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 30/07/2023 09:29

Please leave, you are ruining your mental and physical health. This situation will never improve.

Laurdo · 30/07/2023 09:48

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 30/07/2023 01:17

You need to change your expectations. It sounds like you care for the kids, but rather seeing yourself as a parental figure, try to be more like an aunt. You don’t need to discipline them, or set rules. Be the person they know that can call to be picked up if they get themselves into a situation they don’t want to tell their parents about.
Don’t let your life revolve around them, your evenings are for relaxing not for cooking and cleaning up after them. And definitely don’t do any washing, if their stuff goes back to mums dirty that’s on dad not you.
The kids are heading into tricky years, one person trying to establish boundaries when their parents won’t will not get the kids to behave, it will just cause friction. Just be there to gently guide them and give advice if they ask. It might feel like you are sitting back and watching them self destruct, but it’s on the parents to sort this. Love them and enjoy their company, be a Disney mum. And most of all, block all communication with their mum. She no longer exists. Don’t go to the door when, and never no matter what go to or do drop offs. Take back your life, and enjoy the fun parts of being a family with none of the stress and responsibility.

The kids aren't the only problem here. Her DP is. If my DHs ex was screaming at me at my front door my DH certainly wouldn't be agreeing with her. He'd find it really hard not to just knock her the fuck out. At the very least she'd be told to get to fuck.

DP doesn't have your back and is happy to let his crazy ex be abusive and threatening towards you. There's no going back from that. I'd feel completely betrayed if my DH did that.

It's one thing for people to say leave the parenting to him, but if they're swanning into your house late at night when you've asked them not to I wouldn't be putting up with that either. It's difficult to just leave it to him when there's drugs and police involved. It sounds like a very disruptive environment and you deserve to live with some peace. Get out and leave both parents to their shitty kids.

Crazydoglady1980 · 30/07/2023 09:54

You need to leave, the children’s behaviour won’t change as the parents are enabling it and you will always been drawn into the drama.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 30/07/2023 10:03

Laurdo · 30/07/2023 09:48

The kids aren't the only problem here. Her DP is. If my DHs ex was screaming at me at my front door my DH certainly wouldn't be agreeing with her. He'd find it really hard not to just knock her the fuck out. At the very least she'd be told to get to fuck.

DP doesn't have your back and is happy to let his crazy ex be abusive and threatening towards you. There's no going back from that. I'd feel completely betrayed if my DH did that.

It's one thing for people to say leave the parenting to him, but if they're swanning into your house late at night when you've asked them not to I wouldn't be putting up with that either. It's difficult to just leave it to him when there's drugs and police involved. It sounds like a very disruptive environment and you deserve to live with some peace. Get out and leave both parents to their shitty kids.

Show quote history

I agree op should leave. But I assume she knows this.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/07/2023 10:39

I would get that house up for sale as fast as possible. He's really awful. He was a great match for his ex though wasn't he?

I wouldn't stay while the house is up for sale, and I would expect to take a loss as he will resist every step of the way.

LakeTiticaca · 30/07/2023 10:47

Walk away. These are not your children and you owe them nothing. You don't have to tolerate this . You have no children with your partner, who tbh sounds like a very weak.person. He won't back you up, you owe him nothing .Dump the lot of them and take your life back

AquamarineGlass · 30/07/2023 10:52

Your partner is putting you last. The ex, himself and the three kids all come before you and you're supposed to make everyone happy.

He doesn't deserve you.

ButterflyOil · 30/07/2023 10:53

He’s using you as an emotional human shield. That’s really terrible and I hope you do leave.

INeedAnotherName · 30/07/2023 11:07

We both own the house but I’m financially independent.

Okay, let's figure this out. You aren't married so did you put down equal deposits, or is there a document stating what percentage you get if you split? Find the original mortgage documents. If you already know then tell him it's over and he needs to make a decision regarding selling or buying you out.

If you can afford it then move into rental/House share until then.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 30/07/2023 13:22

Stop devoting time, effort and money now!

Your dh can be responsible for everything.

Take the nacho stance

Kids hungry - nacho problem
Kids back late - nacho problem
Kids pissing about - nacho problem
Kids want a lift - nacho responsibility
Kids want clean clothes - nacho responsibility

Ex turns up, tell her to take any issues up
With ex, grab your keys and leave. Block her on everything, there's no need for her to talk to you at all, anything child related she goes to ex

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/07/2023 13:26

I’d have left long before this. You have no children of your own but are being scapegoated by both parents of your three step children. What on earth are you doing OP? Really, why are you putting up with this? Total lunacy.

IWantOutDoI · 30/07/2023 15:07

Honestly Op, what are you getting out of this? Thank the universe and the powers be for what happened last night. You needed something you give you a very good reason to leave and now you have it. You know now he doesn’t have your back and everybody is taking the mickey.

What do you need to leave? No need to hurry, as long as you know you are leaving and don’t get weak on your resolve I would say, make your plans, put your ducks in a row and leave when it is a good time for YOU.

You gave no children and I suppose you gave a job so just need to save for a deposit and find a place and you will be free of that amount of shit and I’m sure much much better off.

Don’t be blind sided by the idea that you have no children and therefore you have no idea. If my own child was behaving like that, was aggressive and his dad didn’t move a finger to ensure I was safe and moderately respected I would have left the two of them!

You will be fine and definitely better, leave but leave soon, otherwise they will ruin your mental health and confidence and at that time you will be trapped for ever. So, use that anger to break free.

TRexTara · 30/07/2023 15:39

Please leave OP. The way that you are being treated by all of them is abusive and disgusting. You are worth so much more than this.

HowNice23 · 30/07/2023 16:05

As the saying goes "before you diagnose yourself with depression make sure you're not in fact surrounded by arseholes."

You can walk away from this shit show and leave them to it so if you can run a bloody mile OP x

freedome · 30/07/2023 16:34

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

IWantOutDoI · 30/07/2023 17:26

HowNice23 · 30/07/2023 16:05

As the saying goes "before you diagnose yourself with depression make sure you're not in fact surrounded by arseholes."

You can walk away from this shit show and leave them to it so if you can run a bloody mile OP x

Love that! Totally true, at some point in my life I thought I was depressed, turned out iIt was just my exH, as soon as he moved out it was as if the sun had come out.

Feverly · 30/07/2023 17:31

Just get the house up for sale and dump your trash boyfriend, there’s absolutely no need for you to be with such a crap specimen. Enjoy the bliss of childfree life.

HebeJeeby · 30/07/2023 18:42

I’m not sure why you are putting up with this situation either. You are getting nothing from this relationship but a headache. Leave OP, put the house up for sale and go. You know you want and need to do this so just bite the bullet. Difficult, I know but I suspect you will be thankful you did in a year or so’s time.

GraysPapaya · 30/07/2023 18:43

A man that can’t discipline his kids isn’t attractive, I’d leave him and the whole sorry situation!

SnowWhitesSM · 30/07/2023 19:24

Poor you OP. I promise you will feel so much better when you're out of there. Do you need help to make a plan?

You're not crazy, they have all treated you terribly, your dp most of all. He doesn't even see you as a real person.

familyissues12345 · 30/07/2023 19:37

Please leave OP, you deserve so much more than this

Pancake678 · 30/07/2023 19:43

I'd leave. Life is too short for a gutless gaslighting DH and he tag along ex wife plus children they are happy to let do their own thing.

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