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Step-parenting

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Original poster

The straw that broke the camel’s back..

985 replies

JH20000 · 29/07/2023 23:58

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 30/07/2023 08:23

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2023 01:22

I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

No shit. That's the understatement of the year. What the fuck are you even doing??

You're the maker of your own misery, op. All you have to do is walk away. You have nothing tying you to this useless man. GTFO.

This x 1000

Reugny · 30/07/2023 08:26

OP have you noticed there is a consensus?

Now get help to make it happen.

clpsmum · 30/07/2023 08:29

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2023 01:22

I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

No shit. That's the understatement of the year. What the fuck are you even doing??

You're the maker of your own misery, op. All you have to do is walk away. You have nothing tying you to this useless man. GTFO.

This

Why the actual fuck are you with this man???

Campervangirl · 30/07/2023 08:30

What's your living situation op?
Is it your home, DPs or shared?
This is not going to get better.
DP should be backing you up.
The exw will go home and tell the DC she's sorted you out and the DC will think they have carte blanche to behave how they want because mum has their back.
If it's your home kick them all out or you leave if it's your DP's house.
Leave the lot of them to it.

Vrisky · 30/07/2023 08:31

Why on earth are you with this awful man?

He sucks as a parent, doesn't care enough about his own kids to even try.

Doesn't even support you when you're trying to do his job.

Doesn't defend you against his ex.

Doesn't defend you against his kids and their bullshit.

He is a terrible partner as well as a terrible parent.

And this is the man for whose sake you're choosing to put yourself through this living nightmare?

None of this shitshow is your shitshow. Why on earth are you still there?

Laburnam · 30/07/2023 08:31

You deserve so much more than this

StopStartStop · 30/07/2023 08:32

A step back? Fuck no. Run. A mile.

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 30/07/2023 08:34

Why do you stay with him? He doesn't have your back and is an absolutely useless father. Leave this shit show behind and have a good life for you.

AlisonDonut · 30/07/2023 08:35

If she is calling social services does that mean that the children won't be allowed to your house?

I'd encourage her, in fact I'd dial the number for her.

Or just simply end this shitshow for good.

Justashley · 30/07/2023 08:37

Honestly you owe it to yourself to leave. If you're at the point you're having to take medication then it's gone way past what's reasonable, the fact that your partner doesn't have your back and doesn't parent his children is hugely unappealing.

Imagine, your own space, no abuse from his ex, not having to stress or deal with his children and their drama, you'll be able to come off the meds in time I expect. Sounds bliss compared to what you deal with now!

Workawayxx · 30/07/2023 08:39

Drop the rope, in fact drop ALL the ropes and let DP parent (or not) his DC. Preferably move out but I appreciate that may be a longer term fix.

ConnieTucker · 30/07/2023 08:43

your partner sounds like a piece of shit. Leave him. Start a new life with good people.

Autumnsoon · 30/07/2023 08:49

This is a choice you made ..so one you can un make
you chose a man with 3 kids ,and you can choose to not be with him .
all kids can be difficult and stroppy and not come home when told to
the difference is ,they are not yours to tell off ,or discipline
sounds like it’s a good thing you and your boyfriend don’t have children together,because your ways of parenting are very different,and most likely he would be the same with any children you had together as he is with his exs children .
basically it’s good you find out now ,before you think of children together,that your parenting styles are so different
your completely free to leave should you choose to

Bananalanacake · 30/07/2023 08:51

How long have you been with him. There is no reason whatsoever to live with a man you don't have DC with. You can have a relationship without having to even meet his DC never mind living together. His shitty kids are nothing to do with you.

Autumnsoon · 30/07/2023 08:52

Also ..he hasn’t got your back ,he’s not on your side ,he let his ex wife shout at you ,he didn’t stand up for you ..
he doesn’t appreciate what you do for the kids .
id be long gone

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/07/2023 08:56

I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him

You're being made ill by a situation that's already bad and not going to get better, just worse. Just think, OP. You could leave the DP, the feral kids and their screaming mother, come off the multiple medications and feel a fuckton better. There is literally nothing in this life you currently have that makes you feel good, is there? so why not reach out for better.

RaidFlySpray · 30/07/2023 08:57

It boils down to this OP- your partner is not on your team. All the other bits are doable if he's on your team, but he chooses not to be. Leave him. Choose you.

Original poster
JH20000 · 30/07/2023 09:00

I really want to end this relationship, I guess I just needed the courage to go.

DP has been gaslighting me over various issues, including making me doubt my own mental state. He has also convinced me that all kids are as difficult as his.

This morning he is making me doubt what happened with his ex last night. He is saying I was too harsh on her and that she would obviously be upset by what I said. It got to the point I had to go and look at the ring doorbell footage to confirm that I was indeed calm and reasoned with her whilst she was literally screaming at me.

We both own the house but I’m financially independent.

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 30/07/2023 09:03

It gets worse and worse. I really hope for you that you get out soon. Good luck.

ElleLeopine · 30/07/2023 09:03

JH20000 · 30/07/2023 09:00

I really want to end this relationship, I guess I just needed the courage to go.

DP has been gaslighting me over various issues, including making me doubt my own mental state. He has also convinced me that all kids are as difficult as his.

This morning he is making me doubt what happened with his ex last night. He is saying I was too harsh on her and that she would obviously be upset by what I said. It got to the point I had to go and look at the ring doorbell footage to confirm that I was indeed calm and reasoned with her whilst she was literally screaming at me.

We both own the house but I’m financially independent.

@JH20000 make today the first day of the rest of your life. There is no reason to stay, you don't need anyone's permission to leave.
Make your plans, take back your life ✨️

ohsuzannah · 30/07/2023 09:04

Why are you still there? You don't have to put up with this and you dh sounds like a Dick. Move out and enjoy a peaceful existence. Life's too short!

jackstini · 30/07/2023 09:04

You have admitted it in your last post - you really want to end the relationship

Do it. You don't need permission; this is your choice.

Start planning. Great that you are financially independent but guessing you will need to sell the house or one if you buy the other out
How will he be when you tell him?

HarrietStyles · 30/07/2023 09:06

If it were a good loving relationship then I would advise you to move out of the home and for you and your partner to live separately. Only see him when he doesn’t have his children and cut all contact with his ex. Wait it out for a few years until they are adults and then think about living together then.
HOWEVER if this man does not have your back and sides with his ex and children over you, then he doesn’t sound like a keeper. I would run for the hills.

Grimbelina · 30/07/2023 09:10

You are actively choosing to medicate to stay in a totally toxic relationship. You need to leave as soon as possible (and tread very carefully with future relationships).

Im99912 · 30/07/2023 09:17

if your going to stay with your hopeless DP then you
need to detach 100 percent

stop trying to be the parent - because you aren’t
dont give them lifts don’t cook food for them unless your cooking for yourself
don’t worry if they come in late don’t go to school
or take drugs

they aren’t your kids - they aren’t your problem
let your DP & his ex deal with their kids

the problem is it’s much easier to blame you than look at themselves and accept that they are shit parents and they are the reasons their kids are fuckups

or you could just leave
You don’t have to stay and be someone punch bag

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