SS being inappropriate with DD *trigger warning**

[Tryingoworkitout79]

I don't know what to think. My youngest DD, 5, was behaving oddly last night, trying to look in my pants, which is strange for her as she's quite uninhibited and comfortable with her body and mine (and used to them). Talking to her, it seems that SS, nearly 8, asked to see her 'privates/bits' over the weekend, she said no, she didn't want to and he moved her shorts to one side so he could see, saying that he wanted to. This apparently happened in the kitchen when I'd gone upstairs to get something. WTH!

DP rang his mum (as he's back with her now) and gently asked if she could ask him about it (arguably we should have waited till next week when he's with us, but though it was a good idea to let her know) and she's hit the roof telling us we're sexualising young innocent children!!

Yes, I'm utterly furious and feel a whole wide range of strong emotions that SS did that to DD when she said no.

But I'm not for a second suggesting that at their age it's sexual.

What the hell kind of message does that send DD, at this young age, that saying 'no' to someone seeing or touching your body carries no goddamn weight?!!! Jesus.

Well done op, you have handled it beautifully, and have done all you can do. How old are your older dc?

Where does that leave you and dp?

Well done @Tryingoworkitout79 - can’t imagine how difficult this is for you. Your older daughters reactions I think confirm you are on the right track xx

Thank you both.

11 and 13. I suspect eldest DD has put two and two together given the video... I'll answer any questions as and when I guess. Right now they're just happy he won't be here.

I really don't know at the moment..I don't know how it could feasibly work long-term if we never see his son. But I simply cannot waiver on that. No way. So I have serious doubts about continuing.

And thank you Spareus too x

Ah okay so they are not at risk from SS. You are right not to share at this point, but children are often far more clued up than we realise. It won’t do very much other than upset them at this point.

I can see why you have reservations about your relationship. His child has become a no go area and it is hard to imagine that ever changing. It just makes everything so awkward, but who knows what might happen. At this point there is no rush to decide.

At that age they are having age appropriate sex education. He will have been told boys have a penis girls have a vagina.
It's more than likely simple curiosity I remember having my baby brother and being fascinated by a penis I thought it was funny and kept telling everyone to look!

You probably handled it badly and your husband should have felt with it when he saw him. Tell him that yes girls have vaginas and boys have penis's and it's unacceptable to look at someones private parts. I think by mentioning it to his mum you have made this into something bigger. They are children

It is not appropriate for an 8 year old to force an unwilling child to show them theirs. Too old.

@Maddy70 did you read the thread?

The 8 yr old has not yet had sex ed at school and “When she said no initially, apparently he said 'you're not my best friend then'” all done when the adult leaves the room..

Innocent curiosity? Or a red flag that needs addressing - as OP and the kids dad have done?

I find Maddy's minimising worrying. He is nearly 3 years older than her and she said no. I'm grateful others I have spoken to in RL and posters on here have taken it seriously.

It's nonsense that they won't have had any sex Ed at that age they absolutely will have

I'm not minimising I'm being realistic he needs talking too properly. Read what I said

@maddy please, please read the OP and understand that what you are doing is minimising. The little girl told him to stop he didn't he waited until alone - this may or may not indicate he knew the gravity of his actions - either way the little girl is at risk from him.

OP- you have been to hell and back. I hope the summer is calm for you and your family.

Thank goodness that little girl has a sensible mother and not a minimiser.

Thank you Marble, spareus, GCall and sofa and others, onwards and upwards x

This is from UK Gov. I am absolutely not minimising it. It's clearly needs dealing with but not hysterically. He's a 8 year old not 18

Even curiosity needs dealing with but do it properly

Why on earth would OP take even the smallest chance of her little girl being put at risk?
She has dealt with it, brilliantly. She's kept her child safe and this is the correct priority.

@Maddy70 I mean ops dp asked the school and confirmed it hasn't been taught yet by the teacher.

That said even if ss teacher is wrong and he's had a lesson about it. That lesson would have included consent.

She said no and he tried to force her hand and did it away from the adults so he knew it was wrong.

No one's being hysterical but op is entitled to not risk it when it comes to her child.

Even if the other child is a step child fml

God how misguided can one poster be!

He is not her husband but a partner only.
They are children but with a significant age gap. The incident was pre meditated, the victim was forced despite saying no and is impacted by the incident.

There is no question that social services will be taking this seriously, it is disordered behaviour and needs addressing - and a safe guarding issue in a home environment.

I sincerely hope you don’t have children, especially girls, it is considered neglect and abuse to leave them knowingly in a situation that could be very harmful to them.

You are minimising Maddy, I'm sorry but that's the truth.

Where in the exert you pasted from the gov website does it mention about consent? It doesn't. There is a whole other nuanced issue here which you have clearly missed.

Do you have a DD? Would you have been fine about a -nearly 8 year old- boy doing this to your DD when she is not only 5 but also even more vulnerable than some of her peers (speech and developmental delays).
Hardly hysterical.

You've done all the right things @Tryingoworkitout79 , your DD's safety has to come first. There's plenty of incidents of full DB's who've sexually abused their Sisters and there's an extra level of detachment between step siblings. No one wants to believe a young boy is being anything but curious but that curiousity can get out of hand. Too many people seem to think older sex offenders appear out of nowhere but the signs are there when they're younger but they were brushed under the carpet.

Thank you. And I agree about incidents being brushed under the carpet Dalek especially with family or step-families.

No one anywhere could possibly describe you as hysterical. You were ultra calm throughout and calmer than 99% of us would have been. Not everyone posts in good faith.

It’s interesting that your older children don’t like SS because of certain behaviours, separate to this particular incident( which you handled brilliantly btw) it suggests there may be other stuff going on that has made them uncomfortable. Is @Maddy70 SS mother?

Thank you GCall, I've been so damn angry and sad but have been trying to keep my cool..I've probably said some unfair and harsh things to SS dad being brutally honest

I know what you mean Yoga, I think my older girls especially find him 'too much'. He's always in your face, interrupting, demanding, whining, no boundaries or respecting of personal space. At 11 & 13 (particularly as they're quieter), they don't have much tolerance at all for that. I can't blame them.
I wish to god what happened hadn't, but being honest, there is a part of me is relieved we don't have to have him here.

And yes, if not SS's mum then Maddy is certainly on the same page..