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Original poster

SS being inappropriate with DD *trigger warning**

302 replies

Tryingoworkitout79 · 27/06/2023 09:07

I don't know what to think. My youngest DD, 5, was behaving oddly last night, trying to look in my pants, which is strange for her as she's quite uninhibited and comfortable with her body and mine (and used to them). Talking to her, it seems that SS, nearly 8, asked to see her 'privates/bits' over the weekend, she said no, she didn't want to and he moved her shorts to one side so he could see, saying that he wanted to. This apparently happened in the kitchen when I'd gone upstairs to get something. WTH!

DP rang his mum (as he's back with her now) and gently asked if she could ask him about it (arguably we should have waited till next week when he's with us, but though it was a good idea to let her know) and she's hit the roof telling us we're sexualising young innocent children!!

Yes, I'm utterly furious and feel a whole wide range of strong emotions that SS did that to DD when she said no.

But I'm not for a second suggesting that at their age it's sexual.

What the hell kind of message does that send DD, at this young age, that saying 'no' to someone seeing or touching your body carries no goddamn weight?!!! Jesus.

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Merryoldgoat · 27/06/2023 15:35

I’d be concerned too OP. My DS and his (female) friend decided to look at each other’s genitals when they were 5. However there was no touching, it was very much something they both decided to do so I wasn’t worried from an abuse point of view.

But I told her mum straight away who was perfectly reasonable and we both talked casually to them individually, ascertained nothing worrying happened and answered questions and reiterated the PANTS rule.

If you called me and my son had done that I would handle it properly. It’s not about sexualisation it’s about boundaries and your daughter’s safety. His mother is doing him a disservice.

GCalltheway · 27/06/2023 15:36

It’s a lot when this happens to you op.
There are charity helplines set up for parents, please call them if you need to talk it through.

It didn’t escalate that’s important to hold on to, dd is safe now. It’s frightening when we think we have a loving unit and everything in place for our children and this shocking revelation changes everything over night.

It will take time.

kafkascastle · 27/06/2023 15:38

Zodfa · 27/06/2023 11:49

I think both you and his mother are approaching this wrong. At this age he probably isn't irredeemably evil. On the other hand he has made a serious mistake. He doesn't (yet) need to be separated from your daughter forever, but he does need a very stern telling off - it needs to be very clear that he should not be doing this sort of thing again.

Yes, I agree with this.

KisstheTeapot14 · 27/06/2023 15:53

The good thing to come out from this is that your DD now knows she can tell you anything that bothers her and trust you to help her and to deal with it as an adult, and that is massive.

Sadly not the case for all children (I was one of them - events were minimised, I was told it was my fault a relative was paying me unwanted attention, and then when I said what happened was abuse I was told simply 'that never happened').
This was as damaging as what actually happened. Being believed and supported is so powerful.

momonpurpose · 27/06/2023 15:53

I just want to say you have handled this with so much grace and sense. You and your DP are doing everything right.

Straightsidedcircle · 27/06/2023 15:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Cas112 · 27/06/2023 15:57

Your SS could have learnt this behaviour from someone so his school also needs to know so they can safeguard him incase something inappropriate is happening to him and he is copying the behaviour

Louoby · 27/06/2023 15:59

This is a very difficult situation. I have a 7 year old, nearly 8. I would know that he wouldn't see this in a sexual way; more curiosity. Which in its self is wrong but maybe he doesn't understand. Has he been taught? Banishing him from the home and your lives could only cause more harm and rejection.
I feel like you need to consider your relationship because your partner and this boys father is not treating him fairly.
If my son's dad/the gf felt this way, I'd be gutted and would be defensive also. It's natural to try and want to protect your child.
Rather than labelling him as abusive, have a stern word and see what he has to say? Is your daughter being 100% honest about every fine detail?
Just split up with your partner and leave them. He's damaging his relationship with his 7 year old child, for you and your daughter with no actual evidence or even giving him the chance to explain?

MeridianB · 27/06/2023 16:02

Is your daughter being 100% honest about every fine detail?

Wow. The hits just keep coming.

aSofaNearYou · 27/06/2023 16:11

Louoby · 27/06/2023 15:59

This is a very difficult situation. I have a 7 year old, nearly 8. I would know that he wouldn't see this in a sexual way; more curiosity. Which in its self is wrong but maybe he doesn't understand. Has he been taught? Banishing him from the home and your lives could only cause more harm and rejection.
I feel like you need to consider your relationship because your partner and this boys father is not treating him fairly.
If my son's dad/the gf felt this way, I'd be gutted and would be defensive also. It's natural to try and want to protect your child.
Rather than labelling him as abusive, have a stern word and see what he has to say? Is your daughter being 100% honest about every fine detail?
Just split up with your partner and leave them. He's damaging his relationship with his 7 year old child, for you and your daughter with no actual evidence or even giving him the chance to explain?

🤦🏻‍♀️

Outdamnspot23 · 27/06/2023 16:19

Louoby · 27/06/2023 15:59

This is a very difficult situation. I have a 7 year old, nearly 8. I would know that he wouldn't see this in a sexual way; more curiosity. Which in its self is wrong but maybe he doesn't understand. Has he been taught? Banishing him from the home and your lives could only cause more harm and rejection.
I feel like you need to consider your relationship because your partner and this boys father is not treating him fairly.
If my son's dad/the gf felt this way, I'd be gutted and would be defensive also. It's natural to try and want to protect your child.
Rather than labelling him as abusive, have a stern word and see what he has to say? Is your daughter being 100% honest about every fine detail?
Just split up with your partner and leave them. He's damaging his relationship with his 7 year old child, for you and your daughter with no actual evidence or even giving him the chance to explain?

Why do you have so much concern and empathy for the boy and none for the girl? I happen to agree with you that this kid probably needs to be educated and isn't necessarily going to carry on doing this, but why on earth do you feel the need to imply that OP's daughter is lying? What evidence do you think there would be exactly for someone grabbing your clothes and pushing them aside to expose your naked genitals? What explanation could there be?

If you're reacting like this because you fear for your own boy, sit down with him tonight and have a chat with him about the importance of respect and the PANTS rules.

Marblessolveeverything · 27/06/2023 16:20

I really despair at the minimising! Seriously you are now actually questioning the recounting of a victim (sorry OP if that word is painful). No wonder the UK is still so far behind in child protection.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/06/2023 16:25

I think you've been very sensible Op and I applaud you on having instilled such good boundaries in your DD. There's something amiss with your DP's son, the lying, the being charming to adults suggest there's more going on here but that's your DP's job to work on . I'm afraid it's going to be an uphill struggle with the boys DM, she sees him as the innocent victim here and she's going to react very badly to any outside intervention even though it could be very helpful to her boy.

jannier · 27/06/2023 16:52

@Whendoesmydietstart

I would be worried too. Sometimes it's just curiosity, bit I would certainly be concerned about the older males your ss is in contact with. This is a safeguarding issue for your ss, as well as your dd.

It's not just older males that are a concern. Mothers have been known to take part of facilitate and parents of both sexed watch porn and have been known to show it to their children.

jannier · 27/06/2023 16:52

LondonNQT · 27/06/2023 12:34

Teacher here and this is sending my spidey senses off, for both children. Ignore the mother - report factual information to the school (I.E. don’t try and guess why he may have been sexualised at such a young age).

Well done OP for raising a young woman who, despite language delays, was (a) clearly able to articulate to SS that she did not want this and (b) who knew she could tell you this. I’m sorry for her that he did not respect her no.

Plus everything @GCalltheway said. You always believe the child, always.

This

Spareus · 27/06/2023 16:58

GCalltheway · 27/06/2023 14:33

I second that 💪🏻

Show quote history

And me, good on you @Tryingoworkitout79 x

Soontobe60 · 27/06/2023 17:02

Tryingoworkitout79 · 27/06/2023 10:38

I agree. Last night we talked about DP getting a place or being elsewhere with SS. It doesn't have to affect their relationship, but I do need to keep my DD safe

Of course it will affect the relationship! Basically you are telling your DP to move about because of his son. He’s not going to say ‘yes dear, you're right my DS is a danger to your DD’ is he?

MotherofTerriers · 27/06/2023 17:08

Well done OP for hearing your wee girl and taking steps to protect her, however painful those steps may be. The minimising on this thread is shocking. I very much hope that your SS is also protected and supported, but he has 2 parents to do that.

ModestMoon · 27/06/2023 17:08

Rather than labelling him as abusive, have a stern word and see what he has to say? Is your daughter being 100% honest about every fine detail?
Just split up with your partner and leave them. He's damaging his relationship with his 7 year old child, for you and your daughter with no actual evidence or even giving him the chance to explain?

Are you serious? Why would the OP not believe her own child? This is the sort of atttiude that perpetuates abuse. The OP needs to do what is best for her child, and she is doing an admirable job of it. She has mitigated the risk once and for all by not having SS near her DD. Her DP needs to do what is best for his boy, and that might mean breaking up or moving out so that he can see his own son as much as he likes. The SS may be copying this behaviour, it's a safeguarding issue for the SS too, which the DP will have to keep a careful eye on.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 27/06/2023 17:13

You are doing the right thing. I’m so sorry that this has happened. I’m glad as well that your partner is taking this seriously and putting your daughters safety first.

I’m shocked at ss mum. Putting myself in her shoes and as the mother of boys (and girls) if someone said that this had happened I would obviously be very concerned about your daughter but also my son. Why did he do this? Has something happened to him to make him behave this way? What have I missed? How do I handle it? How can I prevent this? How can I help him?

justme2022 · 27/06/2023 17:15

The minimising on this thread blows my mind. Yes it might have just been curiosity. Nothing wrong with being curious. 8 is old enough to understand when someone says no it means to leave them alone.
And now we are questioning if the girl is a liar? God job she's not 15 or people would be wanting to know what she was wearing as well.

Gytgyt · 27/06/2023 17:21

Oh Dear OP. I'm sorry I know MN can be unfair sometimes and dramatic but I honestly think you can't have a relationship with this man (not directly his fault). Ultimately you wouldn't be able to have SS around DD ever again "just in case".

I have an 8 year old Son and he would definitely know not to do things like that it is not curosity when you are asking to view other people's privates. That's crossing a line!

lookingforMolly · 27/06/2023 17:35

So sad to hear this happened to your DD but at least she found the words to confide in you, OP.

I think you are doing the right things and sound like an amazing mum.

veryfluffyfluff · 27/06/2023 17:42

Louoby · 27/06/2023 15:59

This is a very difficult situation. I have a 7 year old, nearly 8. I would know that he wouldn't see this in a sexual way; more curiosity. Which in its self is wrong but maybe he doesn't understand. Has he been taught? Banishing him from the home and your lives could only cause more harm and rejection.
I feel like you need to consider your relationship because your partner and this boys father is not treating him fairly.
If my son's dad/the gf felt this way, I'd be gutted and would be defensive also. It's natural to try and want to protect your child.
Rather than labelling him as abusive, have a stern word and see what he has to say? Is your daughter being 100% honest about every fine detail?
Just split up with your partner and leave them. He's damaging his relationship with his 7 year old child, for you and your daughter with no actual evidence or even giving him the chance to explain?

Is this seriously how you think?