SS being inappropriate with DD *trigger warning**

[Tryingoworkitout79]

I don't know what to think. My youngest DD, 5, was behaving oddly last night, trying to look in my pants, which is strange for her as she's quite uninhibited and comfortable with her body and mine (and used to them). Talking to her, it seems that SS, nearly 8, asked to see her 'privates/bits' over the weekend, she said no, she didn't want to and he moved her shorts to one side so he could see, saying that he wanted to. This apparently happened in the kitchen when I'd gone upstairs to get something. WTH!

DP rang his mum (as he's back with her now) and gently asked if she could ask him about it (arguably we should have waited till next week when he's with us, but though it was a good idea to let her know) and she's hit the roof telling us we're sexualising young innocent children!!

Yes, I'm utterly furious and feel a whole wide range of strong emotions that SS did that to DD when she said no.

But I'm not for a second suggesting that at their age it's sexual.

What the hell kind of message does that send DD, at this young age, that saying 'no' to someone seeing or touching your body carries no goddamn weight?!!! Jesus.

As someone on the receiving end of unwanted sexual behaviour as a child.

I find this thread chilling tbh. Grim amount of people on here minimising this behaviour and making it all about not upsetting the perpetrator.

He would be banned from my house and if anyone asked I would tell them why tbh.

I have been reflecting on what I would do, and it would have to be the end of the relationship for me. I wouldn’t want to try and navigate every family event, holiday, birthday, Christmas with constant reminders of how it could have been, and there is no way ss would be in our home or even the same room as dd.

It’s going to be so hard for dp trying to manage his conflicting loyalties. Resentment and anger may set in on both sides.

I would not want any exposure or contact with a parent like ss mother either, because eventually her failures become your problem as a couple. This could be just the start.

Thank goodness you are not married or have joint children. That would have been a nightmare.

Is your daughter being 100% honest about every fine detail?

Bloody hell, the 'women lie about being sexually assaulted and raped' really starts early, doesn't it?

Bloody hell, there's a lot of minimising going on. Thank god the OP isn't.

You are doing the right thing for your daughter OP. That's where responsibilities and loyalty lie . She needs to be safe in her own home and know that you have her back.

There are plenty of things that should be done to help DSS (he's not by all means a lost cause) but that is the responsibility of his parents.

I think they missed the part where she is aged 5! So how on earth would she even know about this kind of thing if it hadn’t actually happened to her - utterly absurd to suggest such a thing.

It would create even more concern not less if it was not SS.

I am so sick and tired of this response. It makes me feel so angry. I worry if they have dc would they apply the same logic in similar circumstances ? They are not fit to be parents.

This. There are some proper weirdos on this thread who would sacrifice a five year old to keep the status quo. Glad the OP is putting her daughter first.

It's awful. It's like nooo protect the child of the first marriage at all costs

Seriously? Do you think the five year old is unaffected by her first sexual assault because thats what happened. Whatever his reasoning was, OPs daughter has been sexually assaulted. Her no has been overridden and she has been physically forced to show her genitals to a boy. What is wrong with you

Do you think telling him his behaviour is disgusting and would hopefully get him arrested as adult might work? And then ban him from the house when DD is there. Seems a natural consequence to me. He might need to hear the hard truth.

I agree. The long and short of this situation is... OP has a duty of care to her own DD. Despite her DP son doing wrong he is the father and he is obligated to prioritise his own sons needs also.

It wouldn't be fair for OP to expect to austrisise her partners son long term.

Thank you, bless you.

To those saying it wasn’t/may not have been sexual - so f’ing what? He asked her to do something, she said no, he went ahead anyway, using his superior physical strength to force her to do what he wanted. When is that ever acceptable? He needs to learn that no means no - whether it’s looking at genitals, sharing sweets, climbing trees, taking drugs - anything. You don’t get to force (pressure, bully) people into doing things they don’t want to do.

This

OPs are actions are understandable but just aren’t sustainable long term in a relationship

@Notbeinfunnehbut true. Its an awkward situation and I know this won't go down well but he is a child in terms of the law still. I'm not a professional in this area but it common sense that OP can't continue because their is a RISK.

For the poster upthread @veryfluffyfluff how long realistically would the 8 year old be banned for? I know he's done wrong but let's not forget his father has to sort his priorities too. OP should not be OPs priority and I mean that respectfully!

There wouldn’t be a point in time until dd was an adult (18+) when I would personally feel she would be safe from SS. In ops position.

The risks actually grow as SS gets older. Not the other way around.

Ops priority is her child
Dps priority will be his child

I don’t know how that would ever work short/mid or long term. Dps child sexually abused his partners small child, I am not sure I could ever get past it if I was op. SS didn’t steal the last biscuit or hide her dolls, he did something very harmful knowingly and purposefully.

@Gytgyt t wouldn't be fair for OP to expect to austrisise her partners son long term."

What isn't fair is that people are repeating making this about the perpetrators feelings and what's fair to him and not about the daughter's wellbeing or what's fair to her

Also I say this bluntly but op is well within her rights to keep her own dd safe in her own house. And if that means he's not welcome at op home well🤷‍♀️ actions have consequences.

Ops already stated that her dp will have ss at differing accommodation

She's not in a position to fix this. Mum doesn't sound like she's going to be any help and dad is in a limited position to fix this with mum acting like a turnip.

That said I suppose it's good for ss to learn if not via his parents but via op. That when you don't have consent of someone and someone actively says no and you go against that, at least for op and her dd. No means no and this type of behaviour won't be tolerated in that house.

Exactly. Strangely the best lesson ss is likely to receive are the consequences for this - ie no longer going to ops home/family events etc, because clearly he can’t rely on his mother for this. I would worry about pressure to concede if we stayed together as a couple.

Also because of the depressing amount of minimising happening on here.

For my son as a mum, if anyone told me my son had done this to any child now or in the future. I would fully support any steps a mum may need to keep their child safe and I would make sure I got help for my child.

Parents have a responsibility to create humans that know this behaviour was wrong and stamp it out, so they grow in to adults that dont go around thinking this is ok.

Never understood how there were so many violent acts against women by men and this thread has been illuminating. It comes from other women teaching little boys that their needs wants and feelings are more important regardless of their actions.

The person who actually insinuated the 5 year old was lying/making it up was a particular low point. Even for MN.

I’ve not suggested for a minute she’s in the wrong or the girl , her actions are completely understandable
I would never suggest disbelieving

it’s just not sustainable for the DP , he cannot over a long term period ban his own child from his own house or prioritise another child over his own,
resentment would grow on both sides ,

and he’s not even bothered to chat to him either and that indicates he’s suggestible and unable to advocate for his own child,

it’s a very sad situation all around you have my sympathies

Forever while DD lives there. When she moves out they'll have to coordinate

I know someone in RL who had a similar situation but the child involved was 13 at the time and the other was 3, both girls inappropriate touching happened.

Mum said ah no it's just kids being kids. Until several family members came out the wood work saying this child had done it to other younger members of the family. Been doing it for years.

Mum refused to believe anything. Until this 13 year old rather chillingly came out and said yer I did it but I didn't do anything wrong it was my right.

I believe they had a joint child together so dad still has the 13 year old on his weekends at a family member's house. Contact never changed and years on the child flat out refuses to acknowledge they did anything wrong or apologise to any of the children(plural). I think it's broken dad as mum is still in lalala land and refuses to engage with any services to help.

My friend said she's waiting for the now nearly adult teen to appear in the newspaper one day.

It's just really grim tbh

Yup I agree. And he needs to learn this very fast before he ends up with a criminal record.

OP- the NSPCC may be able to advise on your specific situation if you ring them.

Look I'm not being pedantic here but say this was your child.

Would you put them at risk of being around other kids, if they have shown a prevalence for ignoring the word no and asking to see a child's privates ?

I dammed well wouldn't. Imagine if you willingly advocated for your child to be in the house and something worse happened. At what line would you say ok the actions mean you aren't allowed to be around children for your own and other children's safety? Ss going on to touch the 5 privates ? Worse...

Also and im generalising here but with second marriages, the house is often owned by the second wife, as the mum usually gets the house in the divorce. Taking about his home, well ss has two homes. Dd has one. Dd has no where else to live but ss has two.

Sure dad can move out, he can live separately from op.

But I really want to know where that line is, how badly does this 5 year old have to be violated before that's allowed?

I'm trying to see the other side here and struggling...

I appreciate the point your making about him having 2 homes

Again I’m not suggesting the OP is “wrong”no one is suggesting it should “happen again”

I don’t agree the boy should be relegated to a lifetime of visits in a hotel like something seedy for the rest of his life,
also his biological mother may decide to ban contact in that context

With SS being still a young child DP has to prioritise him , he can’t prioritise someone else’s child that simply puts him in a difficult position

she may simply have to realise it’s the end of the relationship

it obviously hasn’t been handled very well there should have been a conversation with the son before this decision was made, but it’s done now

Why would it have to be a seedy hotel? How odd to suggest that. I think a small place was floated.

It’s irrelevant whether a conversation takes place before or after, being relegated is exactly what should be expected if you sexually assault a five year old! He is lucky he is only 8 and not older or it would be a police matter otherwise.