SS being inappropriate with DD *trigger warning**

[Tryingoworkitout79]

I don't know what to think. My youngest DD, 5, was behaving oddly last night, trying to look in my pants, which is strange for her as she's quite uninhibited and comfortable with her body and mine (and used to them). Talking to her, it seems that SS, nearly 8, asked to see her 'privates/bits' over the weekend, she said no, she didn't want to and he moved her shorts to one side so he could see, saying that he wanted to. This apparently happened in the kitchen when I'd gone upstairs to get something. WTH!

DP rang his mum (as he's back with her now) and gently asked if she could ask him about it (arguably we should have waited till next week when he's with us, but though it was a good idea to let her know) and she's hit the roof telling us we're sexualising young innocent children!!

Yes, I'm utterly furious and feel a whole wide range of strong emotions that SS did that to DD when she said no.

But I'm not for a second suggesting that at their age it's sexual.

What the hell kind of message does that send DD, at this young age, that saying 'no' to someone seeing or touching your body carries no goddamn weight?!!! Jesus.

@GCalltheway I think a conversation should of been had too. Dad needs to know this is not suggesting it didn't happen. But surely there is a need to know the child's version of events and why he thought it was OK.

I don't agree with not asking an 8 year old about the situation. It's wrong. Perhaps that goes on at home with his own mother.... how would his dad know of nobody stops to have a proper conversation??

Mumsnet isn't the place for this. Its been poorly handled!

Of course the child should share their version of events with both of their parents. The social services and anyone else involved, but that does not change ops response or position. Ops position remains the same whatever the reasons ss produces for doing what he did. His reasoning needs to be explored by professionals and his own parents.

Why on earth do you thinks it been ‘poorly handled’? I think op is managing this extremely well unless you are another quietly insinuating that dd is lying?

What the hell are you talking about? I know I made a typo earlier so I will say it again.

If you read my posts I have mainly spoke upon OP continuing to have a relationship with this man isn't right and it's not sustainable.....(she needs to get rid of her partner) how have you jumped to a different conclusion? How?

Where have you got the rest from?? 😳😳

Yes, that is depressing, and OP is rightly taking action to protect her DD, as well as applauding how she raised the incident and making sure she's ok. The dad is rightly taking next steps with his son, even if the SS's mum unfortunately isn't.

This is not about op but the more recent and intense posters. Would I allow a boy who'd done this to be alone with my dd or staying at the house? Absolutely not.

But it is also alarming to read posters who have instantly categorised an 8 year old young child as a predator, including comparing him with a 15 year old known abuser and an adult work colleague asking you to see your vulva. Wtaf? To turn around your own example, would you so quickly categorise your own 8 year old child as a dangerous abuser? Report them immediately to NSPCC?

@GCalltheway but ultimately OP cannot continue having a relationship with this man don't you agree??

@Notbeinfunnehbut but that's what I'm asking. Your asking what time frame should dad be bring ss back to the house. Which is kinda irrelevant because what risk do you take with a 8 year old who has already shown they don't know consent and viewing a 5 year olds privates against that child's consent away from adults ?

Your right dad does need to safe guard both children. But that doesn't mean that keeping ops dd child's safe, is prioritising that child over his own.

I'm asking what is the line ? What act would mean that actually ss isn't allowed near ops dd again ? Because if it's well ss should always be welcome regardless of the behaviours he displays, then dad is essentially condoning it.

I don't remember a seedy hotel being mentioned... I do remember op mentioning a small place or flat away from her and her dd for contact time.

So what's the issue with that ? Ss isn't at risk of hurting ops dd, and isn't at risk for doing something worse and then getting into real trouble.

I would be calling social services. It sounds like the step child has been exposed to something at home

Finally someone who has basic reading skills. Can you shout this a little louder 🔔

It's a real possibility! You cannot assume I'm shocked at a few posters.

Of course conversations should happen. Finding out what happened, why, what he's thinking, what he's feeling, discussing consent, privacy, PANTS rule and so on. Involving the school etc.

However, OP can't take the risk of having the boy around her DD while all this is happening, while it's being sorted and figured out.

As a survivor of abuse myself, how on EARTH could you possibly know that there's no abuse at home??? Jesus Christ

Take it from me - it is NEVER seen or known. It is ALWAYS unexpected

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus OP needs to end the relationship like I have already said. The boy did wrong however like I said HIS father STILL has a duty of care to his own Son.

Each parent has to prioritise their own child I'm not sure why others are skating around the matter?

I personally couldn’t, no, but op could go back to dating if she wanted to and keep the dc out of it. I guess it’s up to op.

@Sugargliderwombat She is not his sister

I agree with this stance. It's up to OP.

Eugh!!!!! That's revolting. My god there's something very dodgy going on in his house there. That's perverted almost yuk

Though if I were the dad I'd not be able to carry on out of the shame of what my son had done

Because as other posters have pointed out too he is a very young child , he isn’t criminal responsibility age, he isn’t a teenager and he is being criminalised

unfortunately it does mean he is prioritising another child above his own, he cannot ban him from his home and also prioritise him in an appropriate way it’s just not possible, never being able to Celebrate Christmas etc? With him
again?

im very glad the DD has been believed I’ve never suggested otherwise it’s just everything else that has been handled badly

@Cantstaystuckforever

"But it is also alarming to read posters who have instantly categorised an 8 year old young child as a predator, including comparing him with a 15 year old known abuser and an adult work colleague asking you to see your vulva. Wtaf? To turn around your own example, would you so quickly categorise your own 8 year old child as a dangerous abuser? Report them immediately to NSPCC?"

I can't say I have read every single comment - but I don't think I have seen anyone compare the 8 year olds actions adult works or anything you mention above.

If my 8 year old did this I would certainly engage with every service I could as I would think there's something very wrong with my child's actions given the situation and would be incredibly leery about letting them near any other younger child until I got to the bottom of it. So basically the opposite of what mums doing tbh.

I certainly wouldn't be saying nah not a issue. And I certainly wouldn't be saying to the mum of the child my son did this too, she was over reacting or gaslight her or my son to the results of his actions.

That whole boys will be boys, had impacts for the boys who grew into men thinking certain things were ok.

Yeah thats a massive red flag.

If the boy is not spoken to and reprimanded for his behaviour and it goes unpunished, I hate to think what the consequences would be for other little girls.

At the age of 8, he knows the difference between right and wrong.

The fact you were out of the rooms shows 'planning' so he preyed on your DD when you were phyisically unable to stop him. Boundaries and rules are needed for the 8 year old.

Get as much advice as you can, contact NSPCC and do not leave this boy alone with you DD. I appreciate this is not your fault, the whole situation is totally infuriating.

@Notbeinfunnehbut but he was being criminalised he would be taken to the police.
And he's 3 years off having legal responsibility for his actions. Op hasn't mentioned the police.

If I treat someone badly in their house, I expect not to be invited back. That doesn't mean that person is making me out to be a monster, it's a natural result of my actions.

Ss not being allowed back into ops home is a consequence of two thing. His actions and mums inability to act to minimise the risk.

If you knowingly as a adult put your child in a situation which you know they have acted in a bad way then your risking being culpable in enabling that behaviour. It's not good parenting and certainly regardless of who's child's who, your supposed to protect the victim, not enable the perpetrator.

Personally I think op has acted spot on frankly.

Dad and to a larger extent mum haven't acted brilliantly tbh. So I agree with you there.

What are you talking about? Ss is not a very young child , he is almost eight years old?!

He hasn’t been criminalised - but he needs to be held accountable.

It has been handled supremely well in most people’s view - unless you were hoping to bury it. Full sunlight is always best.

I hope you are okay op. It must feel quite overwhelming but it will feel better in the coming days.

Just one further perception OP is for your DP, to ensure that SS wasn't repeating behaviour that has happened to him, somewhere in order to validate it as normal.

SS needs to be spoken to…. with a view to finding out what prompted his behaviour and his belief that it was OK for him to do it.

It’s not about telling him off or punishing him, in the first instance it’s being alert to the possibility that something has happened TO HIM which put this idea in his head. If that’s the case, then he needs support and help, because his perception of what normal healthy relationships are will have been distorted. That’s not good for him, or for the girls/women he may seek to have relationships with in the future.

That is a completely separate issue from OP’s primary responsibility, which is to safeguard her daughter. And until and unless she knows what was behind SS’s behaviour, and is confident it has been addressed, she would be bonkers to let him near her daughter again. Even if it had been addressed, she may well still feel unwilling to trust him around her daughter - and I wouldn’t blame her.

I think OP going on dates will be put off for a good while. I don't quite like your tone though. 8 is a primary school child, we have established that what he did was absolutely wrong.

I find your views highly ignorant to be honest and dismissive.

Each parent here has a duty of care and I'm sorry this doesn't sit well with you but this includes the boys father too....