SS being inappropriate with DD *trigger warning**

[Tryingoworkitout79]

I don't know what to think. My youngest DD, 5, was behaving oddly last night, trying to look in my pants, which is strange for her as she's quite uninhibited and comfortable with her body and mine (and used to them). Talking to her, it seems that SS, nearly 8, asked to see her 'privates/bits' over the weekend, she said no, she didn't want to and he moved her shorts to one side so he could see, saying that he wanted to. This apparently happened in the kitchen when I'd gone upstairs to get something. WTH!

DP rang his mum (as he's back with her now) and gently asked if she could ask him about it (arguably we should have waited till next week when he's with us, but though it was a good idea to let her know) and she's hit the roof telling us we're sexualising young innocent children!!

Yes, I'm utterly furious and feel a whole wide range of strong emotions that SS did that to DD when she said no.

But I'm not for a second suggesting that at their age it's sexual.

What the hell kind of message does that send DD, at this young age, that saying 'no' to someone seeing or touching your body carries no goddamn weight?!!! Jesus.

Thank you all, again.

I think it was the first time, but not sure how to check? I didn't want to ask DD about it again last night (worried it was too much for her in one evening) but I'll talk to her about it again today.

DP is taking SS away the next time he's due to be here. We've talked about him getting a small
place for him and SS so SS isn't here.

His mother has been pretty horrendous. When DP said that DD is vulnerable, her words were 'how is DD more vulnerable than SS'!! And again, saying we're 'sexualising' the situations. What the AF.

As far as I know, there is no abuse at home. His mum has been volatile with him in the past, but she seems a bit calmer recently.

My gut is screaming at me to keep SS away from DD at all costs

You can’t dismiss the fact he will soon be a pre teen and teen, she will then be at more risk - this of not a short term problem op.

It’s completely the right call op, he needs to be kept away from her at all costs.
It is not safe.

Yes hr needs educating, yes he will need some tough conversations about personal space and other peoples bodies etc etc but you will never be able to trust him again.

This is a massive thing to happen to your dd, you and your relationship and has probably changed everything. His mother is in denial.

**Yes SS needs educating

Childcare would have to record and report this in case there are ongoing concerns. So your right to be concerned 8 year olds know it's not appropriate

It does feel like everything has changed, it is massive.
Want to hug DD even tighter and make it go away.

You're right - I can't trust SS again.

I couldn't even look at him right now.

His mum is in denial about most of his behaviour and refers to him always as such a 'sweet boy'

Again, I'm not demonising him. I'm just angry right now

Please for your daughter's sake keep your SS well away.

I had something similar happen to me when I was 7 by a girl and it honestly ruined my life. It went on for too long and unfortunately at school. I was too ashamed to tell anyone and decades later I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I mean I get why, but surely this could just begin a cycle of taboo/secrecy/shame ? I'd try to conceal my anger and have an open discussion about the pants rule.

I'd quietly not let him be alone with her and notify the school but not ask them to take it further.

I am surprised you are cutting him out of your life before you've even spoken to him? It is absolutely worrying behaviour but you haven't even given him a chance to speak! You say you're not sexualising the behaviour but you are writing him off forever by the sounds of it before you've even spoken to him?

I don’t blame you.
Your dd needs to be safe in her own home, any parent would feel like you do.

The age gap is quite big, and he is likely to grow much bigger and stronger than her.

I don’t see how you can continue as you are. He might do things like play fighting or picking her up or doing normal things any child would do and you are always going to be worried and watching him. The majority of child abuse cases that come to court are almost always family and close friends, it takes just minutes to abuse a child and often takes place in plain sight. Many are silenced or terrified.

I would not risk it.

You have the red flags waving right now. On every level you know you can’t trust ss now. Your dp should want to move heaven and earth now to also protect dd, even if it’s deeply uncomfortable for him and hard decisions need to be made. Her safety is paramount here.

I am so sorry that happened to you, did adults know what happened to you or were you too afraid to speak?
How did you deal with it afterwards? Did it have an impact? You must have felt very unsafe. For disclosure the same thing happened to me at age 11.

This. Let his dad have a talk with him first, before decisions are made.

I'm so sorry too Madam, thank you for being so open and sharing it in order to help, that means a lot.
And I'm sorry too GCall

Do you really think it makes a difference to op? Her child is just 5 years old, has communication problems - of course she is vulnerable.

It doesn't make a difference if DP has a chat with him. What happened, happened and it's not okay for DD. Not at all

@GCalltheway sorry to hear you went through it too. I hope you are in a better place.

No I never told any adults, to be honest I wouldn't have known where to begin. I remember ringing childline though an telling them when I was about 14. I also spoke to a counsellor about 3 years ago. It did help just unloading it after so many years.

Your dd is very fortunate that she has you - and you understand the gravity and risk.

I now work in this area and have done for many years, and you would be astonished at the level of indifference/denial/distortion and minimising that goes on within families.

I mean I get why, but surely this could just begin a cycle of taboo/secrecy/shame ? I'd try to conceal my anger and have an open discussion about the pants rule.

For who? My priority would be my daughter.

So what then, this child never sees his sister again? Never sees his dad? He is totally written off as a sexual predator for life ? Of course it's not acceptable at all and the OP is in an awful situation. But there seems to be a lot of sweeping "disown him" considering noone has even spoken to him yet.

A child at any age knows when they are being violated and harmed. It was good ops dd could tell her mother.

I am sorry you had to go through that alone.💐

He's not her brother, he's her step brother, and he can see his dad elsewhere. I'd not be taking any chances for the sake of a step sibling relationship.

It’s not his sister.
No one is ‘disowning’ him, his father will still see him and raise him as normal. As will his mother. The arrangements will simply change to protect ops dd.

What would you suggest? Just give him a pep talk and carry on as before?? Seriously?

I think both you and his mother are approaching this wrong. At this age he probably isn't irredeemably evil. On the other hand he has made a serious mistake. He doesn't (yet) need to be separated from your daughter forever, but he does need a very stern telling off - it needs to be very clear that he should not be doing this sort of thing again.

Thank you again. Yes, DD is my priority and it's a step-sibling relationship.

SS can still see his Dad as much as before.