SD doesn’t want to go on holiday…Do we still go?

[Pickle1411]

Hi All

long Time lurker, first time poster!

been with my partner for 4 years. He has a 12 year old daughter. She’s a good kid, has her moments like any other 12 year old but on the whole a very pleasant and likeable child.

we’ve been talking about taking her abroad next year (she’s never been abroad), and up until now our holidays with her have been in the UK however these are turning out to be more expensive than a week in Spain/Greece might be. Her dad spoke to her about planning something like this for next year and she has flat out refused/said she doesn’t want to go. No reasons given other than “I don’t want to”.

her dad is obviously a bit put out by this but understands that if she doesn’t want to go then he can’t/won’t force her.

the issue/dilemma we now have is should we feel bad for going away on holidays abroad if she won’t go? Her mum has been very high conflict in the past and whenever we have taken her somewhere or done something nice with her she’s been quite spiteful to her daughter about her dad and makes her feel bad for enjoying herself. I wonder if this is putting SD off of the idea.

the reality is, if SD doesn’t want to come on holiday then we will have budget to go abroad but we don’t want her to feel left out. We still plan on having a UK break with her.

it just feels odd, I know that when I was 12 if I was offered a holiday abroad I’d have jumped at the chance. Has anyone else experienced this before?

you invited her, she said no, she has somewhere else to go, its her loss.

You enjoy an amazing holiday. She doesn't get to get upset that your not going where she wants to go

I wouldn't make any plans yet. She may have just reacted because it was a surprise to her. Give it a while then talk again.

My SD’s mother would also “punish” SD for doing anything nice with her Dad (my ex) and so I understand your SD’s reaction as ours is 13.
Ours would also refuse as I’m sure she gets an awful hard time for almost everything and maybe it isn’t worth it to her?
So long as she is invited and refused I think that’s all you can do. You can’t not have a holiday because a 12 year old doesn’t want to go also even though you can recognise that isn’t her fault.

I would ask her again at the time of booking to make sure but if she says no crack on! If she does get upset about being "left-out" then she will learn to say yes next time.

Is it possible that she is afraid of flying but too embarrassed to tell you?

You don't need to book this far ahead. Leave it until early next year - her attitude may well have changed by then. Maybe she's just a bit overwhelmed by the idea. Maybe as you say she's concerned about how her mum may react (very sad if that's the case).
Does she have a close friend you could take? I guess most parents would think 12/13 a bit young to do this. Might be worth considering for future years though.

Could she just be starting her periods and not be able to think how it would work with swimming pools and beaches?

Maybe she just doesn’t want to go. She’s getting towards that age where teens just don’t want to go or do things.

My SD15 will sulk and be miserable when she has to do anything with family, but then relaxes and has a great time.

Might be worth asking her again before you book it once she’s had chance to think about it some more. Or try and garner her interest by showing her pics of the holiday destination etc.

If she refuses then don’t feel bad. Just enjoy your holiday

That was my instant thought as soon as I read the OP.

its cheaper to book in advance and get better deals. We’d like to get something booked now so we can pay it off! When would you suggest asking her to commit?

No, we are taking her away in the UK. The break we take her on is usually the only holiday she gets, which is why we were thinking of taking her away somewhere different next year.

Can he speak to her mother first. Find out why she doesn't want to go.

Jan or feb would be better. But don't just leave it until then, try to find out what her reasoning over the coming months.

You can still pay it off now, it's called "saving".

I'd had that thought too.

No I think as long as its clear she's invited then just carry on. Give her a cut of date to decide before you book or something.

I'd plan for her coming, because at 12 she is likely to change her mind. Does she have a passport? Will her Dad have any trouble with getting her one if not?

Are there any other DCs going- would you need an extra room because she's going?

If not is it possible to include her if they have free child places and she can make her mind up nearer the time ?

Or if no other DCs involved you go outside school holidays which will be much cheaper.

He should be able to speak to her