SD doesn’t want to go on holiday…Do we still go?

[Pickle1411]

Hi All

long Time lurker, first time poster!

been with my partner for 4 years. He has a 12 year old daughter. She’s a good kid, has her moments like any other 12 year old but on the whole a very pleasant and likeable child.

we’ve been talking about taking her abroad next year (she’s never been abroad), and up until now our holidays with her have been in the UK however these are turning out to be more expensive than a week in Spain/Greece might be. Her dad spoke to her about planning something like this for next year and she has flat out refused/said she doesn’t want to go. No reasons given other than “I don’t want to”.

her dad is obviously a bit put out by this but understands that if she doesn’t want to go then he can’t/won’t force her.

the issue/dilemma we now have is should we feel bad for going away on holidays abroad if she won’t go? Her mum has been very high conflict in the past and whenever we have taken her somewhere or done something nice with her she’s been quite spiteful to her daughter about her dad and makes her feel bad for enjoying herself. I wonder if this is putting SD off of the idea.

the reality is, if SD doesn’t want to come on holiday then we will have budget to go abroad but we don’t want her to feel left out. We still plan on having a UK break with her.

it just feels odd, I know that when I was 12 if I was offered a holiday abroad I’d have jumped at the chance. Has anyone else experienced this before?

She is old enough to know whether she wants to go or not, I would ask again on booking as final chance if it is still no go with that

I’m a step parent (non resident). The best thing a non resident parent can do for their children is to foster the best possible relationship with the resident parent (this was not the case with my DP and his ex, or my parents).
I suspect at 12 your step daughter is anxious about committing (for whatever reason). Your DP needs to talk to his ex because in my experience if she’s not on side (or your DSD doesn’t know if she’s on side) there’s no way she’ll commit and no way she’ll tell you why she’s not committing.
It sucks for everyone but especially for your DSD.

I think your dp should have another chat just them and see if he can get to the bottom of it. If you ts still a no he could explain that you two will go abroad and do the usual holiday with dsd. Then I wouldn't really bring it up

Tell her you are going to book it on a certain date and she has till then to decide. Then book it. Do not deny yourself a holiday for goodness sake.

If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't go. But that shouldn't stop you going. I find it crazy when people suggest SCs dictate every bit of family life

Just book it and tell her she won't be able to change her mind nearer the time and make that crystal clear

You will get a way better deal now and have time to pay it off . Don't wait for her

Let DP have the conversation with her mother.

Look at the difference in cost between booking with her and booking without her.

Decide whether it is worth risking that money in case she changes her mind... don't hold it against her if you decide to book and she doesn't come.

This
If she's sharing a room with you it may not cost much more to include her at this point.

I've just been pricing up a holiday and it is £1000 less in total not per person for 4 people to go in 2 rooms rather than 3.

Cut her some slack

In what way? That post did not say anything insulting about her or suggest saying anything harsh - it just said to tell her that once they've booked she won't be able to change her mind, which is the truth and something all children, divorced parents or not, need to learn. What's wrong with that?

She's 12 that"s old enough to understand once you've decided you've decided.

It's not really. If the relationship is shit then she won't want to come. No point trying to pretend otherwise.

Even if the OP starts saving now, she will still miss the best deals by not booking early.

Make your plans for a family holiday; get good insurance, tell her you've booked for three. (Got her passport? )

If she refuses to go, cancel her room and flight, leave her with Mum or Granny or Auntie, have a great time and send her lots of postcards.

But my guess is, madam won't refuse to go.

She's 12 and being asked to make a decision on something happening a year away that she probably knows her DM will disapprove of.

It's a big ask and her DF should do some gentle delving about why she turned it down.

Her mother shouldn't be disapproving of a holiday with her dad. That's rubbish parenting.

Is she scared of flying?

Make your plans for a family holiday; get good insurance, tell her you've booked for three. (Got her passport? )

@2bazookas I’m not sure how good insurance would help in this situation?

Same with my 13 year old. I didn’t ask her if she wanted to come on holiday, I booked it and told her. She doesn’t live with me full time, 50/50 with her dad so she could have stayed at his but no, it’s a family holiday she’s coming.

Personally I think 3/4 years is a long time and I don't really think a holiday is hard to commit to. Most kids wouldn't even get asked, it's not a big hardship making your mind up.

Obviously if OP is some kind of abusive monster that would explain the hesitancy but in normal circumstances... I've nothing against trying to get to the bottom of why she's saying no, but if she doesn't change her mind, telling her you're booking soon and after that point it will be too late to change her mind is hardly inappropriate, it's what needs to happen, practically.

I agree. And a lot of 12 year olds wouldn't even be given the choice of not going

You can't revolve your life around her.

I'd probably give her a couple of weeks to think about it, maybe mention to her mum that you've invited her. Check again in a couple of weeks then go ahead and book something without her. She's old enough to make a decision.