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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SD doesn’t want to go on holiday…Do we still go?

110 replies

Pickle1411 · 20/06/2023 16:55

Hi All

long Time lurker, first time poster!

been with my partner for 4 years. He has a 12 year old daughter. She’s a good kid, has her moments like any other 12 year old but on the whole a very pleasant and likeable child.

we’ve been talking about taking her abroad next year (she’s never been abroad), and up until now our holidays with her have been in the UK however these are turning out to be more expensive than a week in Spain/Greece might be. Her dad spoke to her about planning something like this for next year and she has flat out refused/said she doesn’t want to go. No reasons given other than “I don’t want to”.

her dad is obviously a bit put out by this but understands that if she doesn’t want to go then he can’t/won’t force her.

the issue/dilemma we now have is should we feel bad for going away on holidays abroad if she won’t go? Her mum has been very high conflict in the past and whenever we have taken her somewhere or done something nice with her she’s been quite spiteful to her daughter about her dad and makes her feel bad for enjoying herself. I wonder if this is putting SD off of the idea.

the reality is, if SD doesn’t want to come on holiday then we will have budget to go abroad but we don’t want her to feel left out. We still plan on having a UK break with her.

it just feels odd, I know that when I was 12 if I was offered a holiday abroad I’d have jumped at the chance. Has anyone else experienced this before?

OP posts:
darkmodeon · 21/06/2023 13:07

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If step daughter doesn't like OP then fine - she has the choice not to come. If it's not coz she doesnt like OP then it's something else. I'm thinking flying or fear of being so far away from home.

Behindthelines · 21/06/2023 13:08

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Behindthelines · 21/06/2023 13:09

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Makemyday99 · 21/06/2023 13:13

I’d just speak to her again & tell her you’re booking it soon so if she definitely doesn’t want to go then you will be going anyway. I wouldn’t bother trying to find out why it’s not relevant, she has said no. Just go without her & have a great time, why should you miss out because she won’t go

Mariposista · 21/06/2023 13:17

Sounds like a great opportunity for natural consequences. She kicks up a stroppy fuss without justifying why she doesn't want to go? Fine, she doesn't get to go and misses out. Why should you be deprived? Does this girl tend to be pandered to a lot?

StillWantingADog · 21/06/2023 13:17

At age 12, if it’s during a time which has already been agreed she will be with her dad, then I’m not sure why you need to ask her.
she just comes. My children are slightly younger and never get asked if they are coming on holiday they just get told!

MagicBullet · 21/06/2023 13:36

Mariposista · 21/06/2023 13:17

Sounds like a great opportunity for natural consequences. She kicks up a stroppy fuss without justifying why she doesn't want to go? Fine, she doesn't get to go and misses out. Why should you be deprived? Does this girl tend to be pandered to a lot?

Except that if the real reason is something like ‘mummy is going to give me a real awful time if I go away like this’, you are just making the situation worse.

First always always try to understand rather than assuming the child is a spoil brat.

Original poster
Pickle1411 · 21/06/2023 13:37

We get on really well. She always wants to be where I am or doing what I’m doing. I try and do fun things with her when she’s here like baking or going out for coffees etc. although I guess she still may be a bit nervous to be in a different country with just me and her dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickle1411 · 21/06/2023 13:45

Yes we have her EOW, and 2 weeks in the summer. We would have her more but her mum isn’t the easiest to deal with unfortunately. For context, her mum found out she had my number in her phone (when SD asked for my number it was cleared with her father first) and blocked it and deleted it. SD did say the next time she saw me that her mum had gone mad, so I suspect she was given a hard time for getting on well with me. It’s a hard one really. Damned if you get on with each other and damned if you don’t ey?

OP posts:
crumpet · 21/06/2023 13:48

Has she got a passport? Maybe start with getting one if there is not one already, so that as and when she is ready to go abroad it’s all in place

Codlingmoths · 21/06/2023 13:48

If you get on with her well I’d follow up on this- ask her if her friends have gone abroad anywhere and would she like to look some places up with you to see what they are like? Pinterest…

I can’t imagine a 12 yo not wanting to go!!

crumpet · 21/06/2023 13:49

Would it be easy to do a day trip/weekend away to France on the ferry? Depends where you are in the country

MzHz · 21/06/2023 13:49

Yes you still go, yes you book it and carry on.

Listen to her and let her see that it's OK for her to say no. Maybe she can't imagine what it would be like and is nervous about being so far from home. Maybe she is worried about how her mother will react

When you come back you can show her what the holiday looked like and maybe she'd consider it for future years. leave the door open.

Original poster
Pickle1411 · 21/06/2023 13:50

I’d rather we didn’t take the stance of this is the time you spend with dad so you are going end of. I’ve got visions of her flat out refusing to board the plane. It’s such a shame because we wanted to try and do a smaller flight first as a gateway to maybe Florida in a few years. I know she’ll be too old for Disney but my partner really wanted to take her to the bigger theme parks. I guess we’ll just have to wait until she changes her mind/decides she wants to come away with us. We just feel a holiday abroad and the experiences you have we’d have liked to share with her.

OP posts:
crumpet · 21/06/2023 13:52

i mentioned ferry above (and there’s also Eurostar), but also what about an internal flight - Easyjet up to Scotland for example. Prices can be really low if booked in advance and would give a taster of an airport etc

Original poster
Pickle1411 · 21/06/2023 13:53

@crumpet we’ve actually been trying to organise that in the background. My partner is due to go to the council next month to have his name added to the birth certificate. For reasons unknown to my partner, his ex never registered him as the dad on the birth certificate. He had to battle through the courts to get access when she was very little. I think we’ll still get the passport sorted so she’s got one. We just hope her mum doesn’t “lose” the passport once we hand it over.

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 21/06/2023 13:54

Mariposista · 21/06/2023 13:17

Sounds like a great opportunity for natural consequences. She kicks up a stroppy fuss without justifying why she doesn't want to go? Fine, she doesn't get to go and misses out. Why should you be deprived? Does this girl tend to be pandered to a lot?

I didn't see anything about a stroppy fuss in the OP's posts, just that the kid said she doesn't want to go on the holiday and didn't say why. It's a bit odd to stretch that into kicking off a stroppy fuss.

rookiemere · 21/06/2023 13:54

There's definitely something underlying going on there so I do think DF needs to have a conversation with her and try to get to the bottom of it.

maranella · 21/06/2023 13:54

Ask her again when you've got a hotel and pictures for her to look at. It's very different saying: 'We'd like to take you abroad', versus: 'What do you think of this hotel? It looks nice doesn't it? Look, it has a pool and slides and it's right by the beach'. Also, DC grow up a lot once they get past 12. She may refuse again, but I wouldn't write off the abroad option after just one conversation.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 21/06/2023 13:56

Pickle1411 · 21/06/2023 13:53

@crumpet we’ve actually been trying to organise that in the background. My partner is due to go to the council next month to have his name added to the birth certificate. For reasons unknown to my partner, his ex never registered him as the dad on the birth certificate. He had to battle through the courts to get access when she was very little. I think we’ll still get the passport sorted so she’s got one. We just hope her mum doesn’t “lose” the passport once we hand it over.

Were they married? Why didn't he go to the appointment with her?

Chocolatecoveredshitpig · 21/06/2023 14:00

Why would you 'hand over' the passport if you're organising and paying for it? Just keep it at your house. If SDD needs it in the future to go abroad with her mum you can give it to her then.

Original poster
Pickle1411 · 21/06/2023 14:01

@Youcancallmeirrelevant

no they weren’t married. Partner says she done the registration when he was at work. It was quite a turbulent relationship (although I can appreciate no one is perfect). But when he went to court he was granted parental responsibility, and a CAO.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickle1411 · 21/06/2023 14:02

@Chocolatecoveredshitpig the CAO states that the passport must stay with mum. When we approached her about the passport she said she wouldn’t pay for it but she’ll be expecting it to be given to her once we’ve got it.

OP posts:
darkmodeon · 21/06/2023 14:06

I wouldn't force it just go without her if mum's likely to be a dick about it

Chocolatecoveredshitpig · 21/06/2023 14:07

@Pickle1411 - oh gosh really? I didn't realise that was something that could be enforced. Could that change once he's on the BC and has official parental responsibility?

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