SD doesn’t want to go on holiday…Do we still go?

[Pickle1411]

Hi All

long Time lurker, first time poster!

been with my partner for 4 years. He has a 12 year old daughter. She’s a good kid, has her moments like any other 12 year old but on the whole a very pleasant and likeable child.

we’ve been talking about taking her abroad next year (she’s never been abroad), and up until now our holidays with her have been in the UK however these are turning out to be more expensive than a week in Spain/Greece might be. Her dad spoke to her about planning something like this for next year and she has flat out refused/said she doesn’t want to go. No reasons given other than “I don’t want to”.

her dad is obviously a bit put out by this but understands that if she doesn’t want to go then he can’t/won’t force her.

the issue/dilemma we now have is should we feel bad for going away on holidays abroad if she won’t go? Her mum has been very high conflict in the past and whenever we have taken her somewhere or done something nice with her she’s been quite spiteful to her daughter about her dad and makes her feel bad for enjoying herself. I wonder if this is putting SD off of the idea.

the reality is, if SD doesn’t want to come on holiday then we will have budget to go abroad but we don’t want her to feel left out. We still plan on having a UK break with her.

it just feels odd, I know that when I was 12 if I was offered a holiday abroad I’d have jumped at the chance. Has anyone else experienced this before?

Give her a month

we’ve been talking about taking her abroad next year (she’s never been abroad),

the reality is, if SD doesn’t want to come on holiday then we will have budget to go abroad but we don’t want her to feel left out

These are two conflicting comments OP.

Sorry, that wasn’t clear I meant we would still have budget to take her away in the UK as well as us go away abroad.

12 year old generally just get taken in holiday. I don't know why it was a question. He is going to have to wait a while now and probably book later.

They are not conficting at all

My 12 year old will be going where he's told 😅

I think the question is too vague and that makes it a bit overwhelming and safer to say no. Just asking if she'd like to go abroad a year from now, that's too much, too many variables, take some of the decisions and the pressure off her.

Instead choose a country she'll like and ask about that specifically. If she's an only child, does she have a close friend you could offer to take?

No he's not, he's asked...she said no...book away

@Highlyflavouredgravy erm OP has just admitted herself she didn't make it clear.

The second comment makes it sound like they could only go abroad if SC refuses invitation, which negates the first comment, no? I'd say that makes them contradictory comments. But that's just my opinion. You have your own and everything is rosy.

I'd wager my house she's worried about her mum's response if she comes away with you abroad.

Give her chance to think about it. Then go for a long drive (captive audience) and have a gentle discussion about it.

Has DP thought to have a conversation with her about why? Allays any worries or fears she might have about mum or flying or whatever? Do you really honestly need an immediate reply from a confused, probably hormonal 12yo? What's more important, saving a few pennies or trying to gently cajole her into joining dad for an amazing first holiday abroad? Could you tell her she can take a friend? Whatever you're going to spend on UK holiday could be used to finance this

I think that's all you can do. Possibly offer a weekend break in the UK together.

It’s pretty normal to book holidays a year in advance.

Have you told her you will go regardless?

In a week or so I would gently probe for the reason why or what her concerns are.

Explain to her that you are booking the holiday next week and her decision cannot be changed after that. Then go ahead and book.

I would ask her once again in a weeks time or so.

If she says no then carry on and enjoy a holiday abroad.

All this rubbish about asking her to commit to something a year away… makes it sound like you are signing her up to a boot camp not a lovely holiday.
It’s completely normal to book holidays a year in advance.
I booked this Julys holiday last July and it was a extra £600 by Xmas!

Go without her. But make sure her mother knows she's refusing

I’d give her a few days to come round to the idea and try and find out why she doesn’t want to go.
Its very possible she is afraid for some reason.

Explain that you’ll be going without her if she chooses not to go and she can obviously still come to the other holiday.

Tell her you will be planning a holiday abroad next year too that she can join so there’s no pressure if she doesn’t want to come this time.

I’d also look into a holiday where you can get a refund if one doesn’t come and then add her just in case or one where you can add an extra person last minute.

Obviously it’s not always possible but some allow it.

Because when you aren’t the resident parent it isn’t that simple.

you can’t just decide to go abroad with the child. Mum is likely to have the passport, and control over whether the child goes or not. Technically you will also need her permission.

if mum sides with the child you can’t just take her. She has somewhere safe to stay with her mum, so it’s not like she has to go or be left at home alone.

Find out why. She might be nervous. She might not want to upset mum. She might be very fond of your Uk holiday destination and want to go there

Of course you shouldn't feel bad, I don't get why that's even a question.

At her age I think it's fine to tell her you'll be booking imminently so if she wants to go she needs to say so now, and not whine later if she changes her mind. I don't agree that she needs to wait, an explanation is enough and can happen now.

We have a similar issue. We often holiday in the UK but every now and then we have an opportunity to go abroad. We have younger children together so a different dynamic with the addition of principle that we dont want her to feel excluded from family life.

My partner always wonders if there are other pressures from the other household (heaven forbid we should do anything that is considered excellent).

We have this issue this year, we offered to take her abroad and really tried to encourage her. She has flat out refused. After agonising about what to do we have come to the conclusion that although she is our family, our family life can’t be dictated by her. She will see the photos (like previously) and regret it but what can you do? Live a limited existence until she is 18? Pretend you haven’t gone?