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Original poster

I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

724 replies

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 08:04

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

OP posts:
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Slimjimtobe · 26/04/2023 08:07

Totally reasonable- you already have step child 50 percent of the time

dh is obviously really really guilty and Is overcomplicating everyday tasks

how did it end up last night ? What he he reply to that. Maybe you need a really good chat

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/04/2023 08:07

That sounds totally frustrating. If he has them 50:50 that should be enough-how about their mum being able to feel that her time with them is protected? Maybe she feels coerced all the time to let her children go on these activities rather than being able to spend time with them herself.

Original poster
SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 08:08

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/04/2023 08:07

That sounds totally frustrating. If he has them 50:50 that should be enough-how about their mum being able to feel that her time with them is protected? Maybe she feels coerced all the time to let her children go on these activities rather than being able to spend time with them herself.

To be fair, and this really isn't a dig at their mum, I don't think she cares at all of they come out with us for a few hours. But yes I get what you're saying.

OP posts:
Original poster
SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 08:09

Slimjimtobe · 26/04/2023 08:07

Totally reasonable- you already have step child 50 percent of the time

dh is obviously really really guilty and Is overcomplicating everyday tasks

how did it end up last night ? What he he reply to that. Maybe you need a really good chat

Yes that's what it is, overcomplicating everything.

We ended up just going by ourselves so that was fine but not without comments from him about me 'not wanting to do anything with DSC'.

It's not that at all but yes I do get frustrated sometimes when everything needs to be a huge fuss anytime we want to go anywhere.

OP posts:
Coffeeandbourbons · 26/04/2023 08:09

YANBU

hourbyhour101 · 26/04/2023 08:11

Tbh your DH is being ridiculous iMO. Big thing sure but McDonald ? Come on now

To stop this you need to tackle the reasons why he's behaving like this (guilt I imagine) and talk about it. Read stepmonster it's a fab book.

If I was mum in this situation it would piss me off actually because if she says no she's the bad guy who stopped Dc getting McDonald's ect.

Tell him it's not healthy behaviour because it's not.

MelchiorsMistress · 26/04/2023 08:13

It’s not stupid, it’s a good father wanting to include his children in things he does.

He wants to be able to invite his children, you don’t. Neither of you are wrong you just have different feelings on this.

firsttimemum1230 · 26/04/2023 08:13

I hate this too my child’s dad has his son every other weekend but sees him Wednesday and Sunday every week regardless and it bugs me because he literally will still give our weekend up as me my daughter and him to his son with no thought to my child. His son doesn’t go to bed until 1-2am he sits in the living room with us ans it’s just hard so I feel your pain and you did do the right thing in putting your foot down

Original poster
SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 08:13

It even goes so far sometimes as to invite them to every Sunday dinner we make (even if it's mum's weekend- we have Sunday dinner practically every Sunday or try to) and if they can't come he starts with the 'it feels pointless to make it for just 3 people'. Like wow okay thanks.

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 26/04/2023 08:18

It's lovely that he wants to include them out of his 'set' days but there is a limit!
As PP said, I'd be annoyed if I was their mum. Why disrupt them at 6pm on a school night, hype them up and then drop them back at home for her to deal with? Does she not have meal plans, stuff to do with them? Surely he is taking away the time she gets with them and throwing her plans out?
There definitely needs to be boundaries set.

KnickerlessParsons · 26/04/2023 08:20

I understand your feelings, but how would you feel If some of your children lived with someone else and your time together was limited.
Wouldn't you want to include all of your children in treats etc as often as possible and not just some of them? Particularly if there were no barriers to including them.

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 08:25

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 08:13

It even goes so far sometimes as to invite them to every Sunday dinner we make (even if it's mum's weekend- we have Sunday dinner practically every Sunday or try to) and if they can't come he starts with the 'it feels pointless to make it for just 3 people'. Like wow okay thanks.

ouch! That attitude is so damaging for your shared child.

Anyway. I think it's one thing saying "I'll see if DSC is free to join us" and another to change plans to fit around DSC. The first, while frustrating if it happens all the time, does not impact plans for the rest of the family. Presumably he does things with DSC with out the rest of you?

What are the distances involved? It would be ridiculous for my DH to do this as there would be a long drive involved.

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 08:26

KnickerlessParsons · 26/04/2023 08:20

I understand your feelings, but how would you feel If some of your children lived with someone else and your time together was limited.
Wouldn't you want to include all of your children in treats etc as often as possible and not just some of them? Particularly if there were no barriers to including them.

There is a barrier - they aren't free at that time

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 08:27

@inappropriateraspberry I agree it's not great for the stepchild either. They have a routine and then dad just keeps disrupting it.

turnthebiglightoff · 26/04/2023 08:34

They're his kids. YABU.

Coffeeandbourbons · 26/04/2023 08:37

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 08:27

@inappropriateraspberry I agree it's not great for the stepchild either. They have a routine and then dad just keeps disrupting it.

I agree. I was a stepchild and when parents separate, the key is consistency - not random phone calls asking you want to do X Y or Z in an hour from dad when it’s ‘mum’s night’, leaving you feeling a bit guilty or unsure of what the ‘right’ answer is. It’s great he wants to include his kids so much but it’s disrupting their routine

GretaGood · 26/04/2023 08:37

How old are the DSCs - Sunday dinner with Grandma every week - they really want to come every time??

TheMarsian · 26/04/2023 08:40

KnickerlessParsons · 26/04/2023 08:20

I understand your feelings, but how would you feel If some of your children lived with someone else and your time together was limited.
Wouldn't you want to include all of your children in treats etc as often as possible and not just some of them? Particularly if there were no barriers to including them.

1- it’s clear that McDo isn’t such a treat for them
2- even if they are not doing something particular, they are entitled to have un distrusted time with their mum too - see inviting them every Sunday for lunch. Not ok in my books. I’m just hoping that the invite for lunch is going through the mum not the dcs….
3- it doesn’t mean that nothing is worth doing if they aren’t here - see again the Sunday lunch position. He might want to remember he has a family with the OP and their dc that are just as worthy and not a second choice.

TheMarsian · 26/04/2023 08:41

@SimpleSimple I’m wondering how he would react if his ex was playing the same game of ringing to have his dcs during contact time….

Floofydawg · 26/04/2023 08:44

Jesus Christ that sounds exhausting. He's being ridiculous.

Bafflingpineapplecow · 26/04/2023 08:46

Absolutely not unreasonable OP. Life shouldn't stop and start based on whether your DSC are around or not. The faffing about by your husband and no consistency in your step kid's life would annoy me too. We had this very briefly with SDCs too a few years ago and it was just unsettling for every party concerned (excluding my DP who thought he was doing a good thing) - a good chat with your DP about how that must come across to your shared child and how much time in total you are wasting waiting about for SDC to become available should be able to fix it if he can manage to try and see the situation without his underlying Dad guilt.

SavBlancTonight · 26/04/2023 08:47

I totally get it op. It's not about the dsc, it's about the disruption. When MIL is in town, she stays with sil but we used to havr this a bit. I was 100% happy to include her in anything amd everything when she was with us and if we made plans in advance, also v happy to invite her. But if we just spontaneously wanted to get a take away and then dh would phone to see if she wanted to come and then we would have to.negotiate on food then he would have to collect her .... and suddenly the quick easy takeaway turned into this whole fiasco and inevitably I was left dealing with our hungry fractious dc while he was off collecting her and getting her settled etc.

I would also be v upset if he's unwilling yo do sunday dinner without them

GrumpyPanda · 26/04/2023 08:48

I bet DSC mum takes them out occasionally on her time without inviting your kids along. Doesn't sound like they're missing out unless there's something severely deficient in her parenting.

Silverrocks · 26/04/2023 08:50

I can see why it's frustrating, of course it's reasonable and decent to include his children in things, but there's no harm in spending time as a 3 and doing things as a 3 either. Presumably when he sees them he can take them out and about without any resistance from you without your DC. I think there's probably a balance, and does he often just latch onto your plans rather than make his own with his children?

KnickerlessParsons · 26/04/2023 08:50

There is a barrier - they aren't free at that time

I'm not talking about the one off McD visit. The OP said the mum never prevents the dad from seeing his children off the cuff, whenever he wants. The OP seems to resent that.

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