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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

724 replies

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 08:04

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

OP posts:
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SquidwardBound · 26/04/2023 10:02

He needs to accept that the reality of his family is that he only sees his older children some of the time. But he lives with his youngest all the time. ‘Family time’ is not determined by the presence of his older children; the youngest has a family 100% of the time, even if her half siblings aren’t always part of what is going on.

That is the reality for a man in the situation he has chosen to be in.

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 10:08

Is the custody shared so that he has then week days one week and weekend the next? This would seem fair and would allow you to plan the more “fun” activities for when all kids are together. this is what we do to some extent but even then it needs to be fair to DC - their life shouldn't only be "fun" when SDC are there.

ifancyajamdonut · 26/04/2023 10:11

How old are dh's dc?

Original poster
SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 10:13

ifancyajamdonut · 26/04/2023 10:11

How old are dh's dc?

10 and 12.

OP posts:
UnsureSchool32 · 26/04/2023 10:16

I guess he’s not seeing that you’re not one family, you’re a blended family and DSC don’t live with you 100% so he can’t just keep encroaching on their lives, feeling guilty. Choices were made. It’s like he can’t handle that or he doesn’t want to acknowledge.

Dixiechickonhols · 26/04/2023 10:19

He needs to realise that treating fairly doesn’t mean all doing same. Eg if he just had 10 and 12 yr old then taking 10yr old to McDonald’s while 12 at friends is fine etc. Not everyone wants it needs to do same. Especially with big age gap. It’s not fair on mum either. He obviously feels a lot of guilt, maybe suggest some counselling (might be available via work)

RachelGreeneGreep · 26/04/2023 10:21

I wouldn't be letting those comments pass about you not wanting to do things with the stepchildren, and definitely not the ones re Sunday dinner. Wow! 😳

Wait until things are calm and have a chat about it. The stepchildren don't have to be included in every little thing like a spur of the moment trip for chips. And he needs to think about the impression that will give to the child, in time to come, that 'it's hardly worthwhile' unless the others are included in everything.

Sounds a bit like he wants to be the fun parent with the spur of the moment outings but he really needs to listen to himself and the message he is giving to you and the child, on this.

ShandaLear · 26/04/2023 10:24

If he wants to take the kids to McDonalds then he does it during his contact time. When they are with their mum it’s her time with them. The very reason for wanting McDonalds was because you wanted something quick and easy because you were tired. By the time you’ve faffed around with drop off and pick up you’ve added another hour to the day and you may as well have gone home and cooked a lasagne from scratch.

PlumTagine · 26/04/2023 10:29

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request

fryanddry · 26/04/2023 10:29

I can see both sides , your husband is a good dad for wanting to include his children , I really cant knock him for that but I am sensing that he might have some sort of guilt and that is why he feels the need to include them in everything?
I can understand why you are annoyed by it though, but try to be understanding that hes not trying to upset you , he just wants more time with his other kids

duchesspodcast · 26/04/2023 10:32

I think it's really lovely, imagine being those choldren and knowing how much your dad wants to see you. Really good for their self esteem. So many of us had dads that ignored us.

strawberryfluff · 26/04/2023 10:33

duchesspodcast · 26/04/2023 10:32

I think it's really lovely, imagine being those choldren and knowing how much your dad wants to see you. Really good for their self esteem. So many of us had dads that ignored us.

It's really detrimental to the 2nd family's self esteem.. do they not matter

Pollydolly13 · 26/04/2023 10:35

As a separated parent I would expect your husband to only do these things on the days he them. Not on their mums days. Unless planning a big day out then you can organise in advance. You are right to feel like this. It’s probably because they live very close by that it’s ended up being this way. Also it sounds like he is struggling with guilt as having one child with him all the time and not the others. I think he probably needs to look at that.

3luckystars · 26/04/2023 10:36

The 3 of you are a family in your own right.

I can understand how this is hurtful for you if he is not getting this.

SquidwardBound · 26/04/2023 10:36

duchesspodcast · 26/04/2023 10:32

I think it's really lovely, imagine being those choldren and knowing how much your dad wants to see you. Really good for their self esteem. So many of us had dads that ignored us.

Imagine being the youngest child and knowing your dad doesn’t think it’s ‘family time’ unless your half siblings are there.

really lovely.

OnNaturesCourse · 26/04/2023 10:36

You are being unreasonable.

That's a good father right there.

I'd get it if the child lived further away but ten mins?? I would 100% be inviting the child to everything, small or not.

CiderJolly · 26/04/2023 10:37

MelchiorsMistress · 26/04/2023 08:13

It’s not stupid, it’s a good father wanting to include his children in things he does.

He wants to be able to invite his children, you don’t. Neither of you are wrong you just have different feelings on this.

I agree with this.

Original poster
SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 10:38

duchesspodcast · 26/04/2023 10:32

I think it's really lovely, imagine being those choldren and knowing how much your dad wants to see you. Really good for their self esteem. So many of us had dads that ignored us.

Yes and imagine being our child hearing your dad say it's not worth making you a Sunday dinner if your siblings can't come. Really lovely.

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 26/04/2023 10:38

They’re his kids, they’ll always be his kids. Too late now but you knew what you were getting into when you chose to have a child with him.

He sounds like a good parent to me.

Katherine1985 · 26/04/2023 10:38

Is there guilt more for having a 2nd family than from splitting with their mother?

Just wondering if he’d be contacting them every time you went out if you didn’t have a DC together. How long were you together before you had DC? Did he see them outside of their mum’s contact time then?

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2023 10:39

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 09:07

Like I said in my OP. Big things, like big days out that are one off treats I totally understand. But a quick trip to maccies or a Sunday dinner? No I don't get it. And I honestly don't think I'd make such a fuss if one of my children were elsewhere and I took the other to McDonald's. I don't think things like that need to be exactly equal all of the time and in any event, I'm sure DSC get plenty of little McDonald's level treats with their mum. I just don't subscribe to the whole 'for every McDonald DH buys our child he must also buy one for DSC' (and of course vice versa!). It seems silly and OTT.

It is silly and ott OP

i don’t see how anyone could argue with this!

hourbyhour101 · 26/04/2023 10:40

@SimpleSimple Yes and imagine being our child hearing your dad say it's not worth making you a Sunday dinner if your siblings can't come. Really lovely.

Father of the year here. This type of comments make me role my eyes. When these people post about "won't you think of the children" - they actually mean "won't you only think of the first children, second children don't matter as much"

Grim mentality tbh.

CiderJolly · 26/04/2023 10:40

Has he actually ever said anything ‘isn’t worth it’ unless his other kids are there too? Or is that you twisting words? Because your opening post says nothing of the sort- just that he wants all his children to feel included.

SquidwardBound · 26/04/2023 10:41

Do the ‘oh what a good father’ posters not care about how he treats his youngest child?

Or is it only the children from a previous relationship that matter?

Eggseggseverywhere · 26/04/2023 10:41

How is he a great df to the dsc? He places himself at the best parent by not allowing them the 50 /50 with their dm.

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