I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

That would drive me mad, You are definitely not being unreasonable. Holidays, fun days out I totally get and agree dsc should be invited but mcdonalds? Really? He needs to get a grip.

I don't think OP resents that. It sounds like she's frustrated with that means DH assumes that means DSC has to be included at each opportunity wether they are free right then or not.

And his comment about the roast would make me livid

I'm a stepmum and I don't think he's being at all ridiculous. If their mum is happy for them to come and the dsc want to, why should he not want to include his children. Those saying 50/50 is enough, would you feel like that if you only had your children 50% of the time?
That being said, he should be prioritising all his children and I can also understand why a detour would be irritating, especially as the dsc aren't expecting to be taken. But I would feel the same if we were out with one of my children and another was at home, passing McDs and dh wanting to go and collect them first. I'd get them a takeaway and take it home for them (he could drop one off).
Dsd is an adult now (and a mother) and drops in regularly, just as I hope my dc will when they (eventually 🙄) fly the nest.
I think the dh here is getting a hard time for wanting to be a good dad...

I don't resent that their mum lets him see them. I resent every time we leave our house it turns into a big thing where we're hanging around waiting to contact mum or DSC then waiting for them to finish whatever it is they are doing (there is usually something) then it's going out of the way to collect then dropping off again. What started as a quick 'lets nip McDonald's' turns into an hour long faff. Just for a bloody burger.

Maybe mum does mind but she doesn't want to say because the kids enjoy it? Most of us would let our kids do what makes them happy (within reason)

Either way it's bloody McDonald's not disney world it's no big deal and surely they would have eaten by 6pm anyway

Like I said in my OP. Big things, like big days out that are one off treats I totally understand. But a quick trip to maccies or a Sunday dinner? No I don't get it. And I honestly don't think I'd make such a fuss if one of my children were elsewhere and I took the other to McDonald's. I don't think things like that need to be exactly equal all of the time and in any event, I'm sure DSC get plenty of little McDonald's level treats with their mum. I just don't subscribe to the whole 'for every McDonald DH buys our child he must also buy one for DSC' (and of course vice versa!). It seems silly and OTT.

See I'd be ok with "were odd to mcdonalds is DSC wanting to join us" and if they were free and it wasn't an hour out the way then sure. But no, waiting around for them is silly.

It is a bit isn't it. Fair doesn't mean exactly the same. And I'm sure he does things with DSC without you all joining in?

And I'm sure he does things with DSC without you all joining in?

Yes! And I'd never have a problem with that. Although maybe I should start having one so he sees what I'm saying.

Op you are right! This would seriously annoy me!

Completely depends on the families routine! In our house we rarely eat before 7/7.30 due to me and DH working fulltime and DS9 having other things on. We like to eat as a family so eat later. It is just what we are all used to. It drives me crazy when we go to in laws and have dinner at 5pm then starving come 9pm!

I'd be frustrated too especially with the dinner comment.

Sounds like he has major issues of guilt for not being there enough for his DD. What you are saying is totally reasonable and your frustration is real. He isnt coming from any angle other than trying to be fair but in a way he is neglecting you and your children by always making it such a big deal.

Not sure what the answer is but my guess is getting angry with him wont work. Understanding his frustrations might help him realise his issues

Yeah it sounds like one of those creeping behaviours that was okay initially or on occasions but has now run totally out of control. I don't blame you for being pissed off. You need to make him sit down and discuss when it's appropriate for DSS to come and when you need a break. He's being ridiculous.

50:50 isn’t enough when you’re the one sharing I miss my son awfully when he’s not with me, it’s a real wrench. When I do something without him
I always feel so guilty that he’s not there with me so I do get where Dh is coming from.

that said it would piss me off if my ex h did this during my time with dc, and if I did it to him
id expect him to put his foot down.

op needs to have a sympathetic conversation with dh to say why this can’t carry on and how there can be a compromise. It’s ultimately a good thing that he’s so keen to be there for his kids it’s just displaced guilt.

Oh come on, this man is very clearly showing that his preschool aged child is not enough and that all activities - even as mundane as cooking a roast dinner - are not worth it unless the older children are there, even though it means waiting around for them to finish doing their own things.

That’s NOT being a good father. It’s being a shit father to his youngest.

I mean yeah..if you think that will help him see I don't see why you shouldn't insist DC joins in!

This is how it feels to me.

Although I do know that DH doesn't think less of our child together or love them any less or anything like that. He just wants his children all together for 'family' things and I get that I do. But I do think he needs to be mindful as to how it comes across to me and even more so, our child together. Especially with the comments like the Sunday dinner one. It isn't that he actually thinks our child isn't worth it but it does have the potential to come across that way and that's hurtful.

I do think, whilst I appreciate he carries a lot of guilt, he needs to accept he is separated from his other children's parent and that does mean that you cannot ALWAYS do every single little thing with all of them together. It's not feasible and it's not fair on anyone.

Next time you need shopping or pop for petrol ask him if he is collecting his dc. Your dc is allowed a life too.
When I left exh I had more dc. Who I have full time. We had holidays without my older dc simply because ex was a twat who refused to let me take them away. Having separate lives is doable...
Being guilt free is also possible.. Your dh doesn't sound like a good df to your shared dc mind...

Typical divorced Dad trying to ensure his second family has a second class life to assuage his guilt about leaving his first family.

That's too much. It's just a crap burger on a whim.
Not all kids have to be invited to every outing.

I wouldn’t tolerate my child being made to feel unworthy of fun unless their older half siblings were there. They didn’t ask for this set up anymore than the older kids did. What a crap, selfish and joyless approach to take to a young child. I’d be hurt and angry.

He had no right having more children if he wasn’t going to treat them fairly and invest in their childhood. He’s fine with his kids with his ex having a life without little DC but it’s not allowed the other way round. Bullshit.

Have one last strongly worded conversation about this and how out of order it is. Ask him if it’s only the kids with separated parents who get the special treatment and if so it’s something you’ll be giving serious thought to.

I think if the custody is 50:50 it should be kept that way and not interfered with.

To do all this ad hoc parachuting in, your DH disrupts his children’s routine and deprives them of time with their mother which they need.

If it is something big like a day out at Alton towers or week on holiday fair enough.

But a McDonalds or trip around IKEA - no.

You should be able to have a Sunday dinner, swim at the pool, day out at the park or whatever in peace without last minute faff.

Is the custody shared so that he has then week days one week and weekend the next? This would seem fair and would allow you to plan the more “fun” activities for when all kids are together.

If he carries on like this he might as well go for full custody it would be less disruptive. He really needs to give the ex a chance to step up as a parent. Even if that means he isn’t the “favourite”.

Guilt.