I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

Yeah, twisting words, exactly what you just did to my post. Makes for a frustrating, nonsensical debate. Immature too.

This will not work as your DC grows.

DSC 'We had a lovely week with Mum, did this, this and that. What did you get up to sibling?'

'Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything fun every second week. Dad says I need to pine for you and eat gruel. I've been fancying chocolate all week but Dad said we have to save it to share with you.'

This won't make them feel second best at all.

But to him, his family is OP and all of his children. He doesn't have "a family with OP" and then extra kids on the side. He just has all his children.

OP has indicated that there isn't an issue RE disruption to their time with mum. It seems the kids and their mum are happy for these extra visits to happen so that's not really a relevant objection.

He was wrong to say that it's not worth doing anything without the older children also being there (and I speak from experience as I have older half siblings and this was an issue) but in his case it seems to come from a place of just loving all his children and not wanting to exclude anyone, rather than seeing his younger children as second best.

I don't think anyone is in the wrong. It's a difficult situation and one of the many reasons, having been a child growing up in this setup, that I would never enter into a "blended family". I don't know anyone in real life who has genuinely got a happy, functional blended setup. There always seems to be some irreconcilable problem or someone is hurting.

Spending a night or afternoom at Grandma's is hardly sending a child away.

So fucking dramatic.

It's something we do as a family unit living together.

It's one of the best things that we've done as a family.

What do mean by "they came first"? Do people have to include their oldest child in everything they do with their younger children? I certainly don't. What do you mean?

How would he feel if his ex kept intruding on his time asking to take the children out? I know she doesn't seem to care, but he needs to be brought to realise that this is a 50/50 arrangement for a reason.

In your shoes, I'd be tempted to stop making Sunday lunches. Or else deliberately buy a small joint of meat and tell him there won't be enough for 5.

I think I'd just take my child and go, leave the silly man flapping around in his own time and not mine.
He has split from the mother of his eldest children - did he not know what he was getting into?

As I said in my OP if we go anywhere that could be deemed as fun or a treat (so no, not the food shop), then yes he will want to ring his ex and mess around trying to get DSC to come, even if that means us hanging about waiting for them to finish doing whatever it is they are doing. If on the odd occasion they really aren't free as they are out somewhere with their mum and won't be back until much much later he will come with just me and DC but no, we can't ever just 'nip out' somewhere without first checking in with DSC and trying to arrange everything around them coming. Which kind of goes against what nipping out to do something actually is. It feels like nothing is ever simple. We can never just decide on a whim to go to here or there. It starts becoming 'well I've spoken to ex and DSC1 is at football for 2 hours so we can just go then instead' and I reach a point where I just think fuck it I can't be arsed going at all now, I'm not waiting around for hours just to nip to the park or McDonald's or for a walk somewhere and I don't think our child should always have to either.

We should be able to just say 'fuck it lets just nip to McDonald's up the road, it's 6pm and I cba cooking' without it turning it a huge ordeal that takes 3x the time.

As I said, big things I totally get. If he said can we see if DSC are free to come to Alton towers with us today, absolutely! But a quick trip to maccies. No it gets stupid imo.

Your child is in pre-school at 6pm? Must be a different thing to what I call pre-school. Sorry OT.

how could ANYONE argue with this?! I mean really!!

it’s so soooooo reasonable what you’re saying

Yanbu.
When my ex had a gf he turned up once to take them to McDonald's and the park and I ended up sharing dinner with the dogs. It was a waste and I couldn't say no as they got excited.
They need routine. My ex is similar he has guilt. X

You're completely reasonable. High days and holidays, of course you might invite them (but they don't need to come to everything, it's 50/50 after all!). All these routine trips it needs to stop.
I'm surprised their mother allows all this messing about to be honest.

But to him, his family is OP and all of his children. He doesn't have "a family with OP" and then extra kids on the side. He just has all his children.

He doesn’t though.

His older children have contact with both their parents. He simply doesn’t ‘have’ all
his children. He has one child who lives with him all the time and two who don’t.

He needs to accept that is what his family is like and stop viewing his family as only ‘complete’ or ‘worth it’ if the older ones are there.

He needs to respect his older children’s right to their time with their mother.

Oh this did make me laugh. Typical MN post. 😂😂

Ps and I for five years have been dating a single dad but separate houses. We often do stuff together with both sets of kids but if mine are at their dads I just take the step kids out and vica versa if their mum is down.

The pre school room at their nursery yes. That's what they call it but it's still open normal nursery hours which are 7:30 - 6pm here.

What did he say last night when you snapped at him OP? Did he accept it and go to McDonald’s just the three of you straight from preschool?

You say he does things with the SDC alone, does he ever take your DC out alone?

As others have said, I don't think he is coming from a malicious place, but it is ridiculously over the top and prevents you from living a bit of a normal life if you can't take DC to a nature reserve for a walk for the afternoon or an easy take away tea without extending the process by an hour.

This would do my head in, YANBU. The McDonald's and roast examples are ridiculous.

Has he got something to feel guilty for? Do the step kids even want to be picked up just to go to McDonalds?! What a faff.

😂 yes it must be. What exactly are you sorry for?

That's not what this is, though, is it? If a family with more than one child fancies a quick trip to McDonald's, it takes few minutes to take the decision - it's a simply a matter of "We'll do it on the way back from collecting DC1 from Cubs" or "No, DC1 has a mountain of homework, let's make it a takeaway". It's a world away from the faff of phoning someone else, finding out what the children are doing, do they want to come, have they done their homework, oh dear DC 1 has a cold perhaps we should make it another day, we want to go now but we'll have to wait an hour because DC1 is out, we'll have to drive to collect them, will they be ready when we arrive, when should we get them back, etc etc.

Ouch!

Grow up. You know fine well that's not the issue. It is sending a child out of the way when it's to accommodate the other children. That's literally what you advised OP to do. Send the child away to focus even more on the DSC. You are being deliberately obtuse here.

Mine is in preschool at 6pm sometimes the nursery/preschool shuts at 630

Being off topic I think