Page 28 | I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

SimpleSimple · 2023-04-26T07:04:19+00:00

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off. Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday. It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get. I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc. I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah. And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

slowquickstep · 28/04/2023 17:14

I understand he wants to include his child but does he not realise he has another child. Please talk to him and tell him it has to stop. My Daughter is in the same situation but to a worse extent, my DGD who is in her early teens has to wait until her step brother has arrived before she can have Christmas, this may be 3 or 4 days later. It is cruel. The same happens at Easter, no eggs until they are all together. I am so surprised my DGD is as lovely as she has, her whole life is put on hold for her step brother.

SheilaFentiman · 28/04/2023 17:52

I don’t think OP is coming back and the thread is going round in circles, so why should she?

(There are two DSC, by the way.)

SquidwardBound · 28/04/2023 18:26

@slowquickstep that is deeply depressing about your granddaughter. Waiting several days to have Christmas so it can all be about the half siblings (who got to have a Christmas with their other parent on Christmas Day).

RandomisedRebel · 29/04/2023 04:51

Chimna · 26/04/2023 11:23

This will not work as your DC grows.

DSC 'We had a lovely week with Mum, did this, this and that. What did you get up to sibling?'

'Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything fun every second week. Dad says I need to pine for you and eat gruel. I've been fancying chocolate all week but Dad said we have to save it to share with you.'

This won't make them feel second best at all.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ ALLL of this 👏👏👏

ILoveEYFS · 29/04/2023 06:00

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 10:58

He does do that, I've never stopped him from going anywhere with them alone. We have also taken them out alone before to the cinema and whatnot.

Show quote history

Does that include you youngest or just DSC?

holaschicas · 29/04/2023 08:03

@ILoveEYFS
i think OP means they take DSC out alone without DC…but it’s not allowed to happen the other way around

Solonge · 29/04/2023 13:08

slowquickstep · 28/04/2023 17:14

I understand he wants to include his child but does he not realise he has another child. Please talk to him and tell him it has to stop. My Daughter is in the same situation but to a worse extent, my DGD who is in her early teens has to wait until her step brother has arrived before she can have Christmas, this may be 3 or 4 days later. It is cruel. The same happens at Easter, no eggs until they are all together. I am so surprised my DGD is as lovely as she has, her whole life is put on hold for her step brother.

Then your daughter needs to tell her DH this has to stop.

billy1966 · 29/04/2023 15:16

slowquickstep · 28/04/2023 17:14

I understand he wants to include his child but does he not realise he has another child. Please talk to him and tell him it has to stop. My Daughter is in the same situation but to a worse extent, my DGD who is in her early teens has to wait until her step brother has arrived before she can have Christmas, this may be 3 or 4 days later. It is cruel. The same happens at Easter, no eggs until they are all together. I am so surprised my DGD is as lovely as she has, her whole life is put on hold for her step brother.

That poor child.

Your daughter is an absolute disgrace to allow this.

A real disgrace.

If she was my child I would be telling her that too.

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 15:28

She’s probably deeply embedded in blended family gaslighting such that she believes putting her child first would be evil. As threads in this board regularly demonstrate, there is plenty of societal support for this rhetoric - she knew what she was getting in to, can’t have the SC feeling pushed out, her child is younger so it doesn’t matter (in 5-10 short years maybe she’ll get to have a Christmas Day that’s not centred about her half siblings you know; it’s not hard to wait 🙄), she gets to sleep in the same house as both her parents, which compensated for literally anything, and so on.

It may be very hard to dig her out of that toxic rabbit hole.

slowquickstep · 29/04/2023 21:04

SquidwardBound · 28/04/2023 18:26

@slowquickstep that is deeply depressing about your granddaughter. Waiting several days to have Christmas so it can all be about the half siblings (who got to have a Christmas with their other parent on Christmas Day).

My SIL just can't see that his child has 2 celebrations yet my DGD has to wait for her 1

slowquickstep · 29/04/2023 21:06

Believe me i have had my say on the situation but it makes no odds

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 21:09

slowquickstep · 29/04/2023 21:04

My SIL just can't see that his child has 2 celebrations yet my DGD has to wait for her 1

Show quote history

But why does you daughter accept this?

If it were me, I’d fuck off on Christmas Eve - or potentially before that - to your house (it sounds like you’d have me!) with my daughter to do a proper Christmas Day on Christmas Day. And leave my husband to sulk and play the martyr on his own.

If he wants to wait several days and do a second Christmas… fine. I certainly would not be letting him treat my child like that.

Is she just brainwashed by his stepfamily guilt and FOG?

Nanaof1 · 29/04/2023 23:20

slowquickstep · 28/04/2023 17:14

I understand he wants to include his child but does he not realise he has another child. Please talk to him and tell him it has to stop. My Daughter is in the same situation but to a worse extent, my DGD who is in her early teens has to wait until her step brother has arrived before she can have Christmas, this may be 3 or 4 days later. It is cruel. The same happens at Easter, no eggs until they are all together. I am so surprised my DGD is as lovely as she has, her whole life is put on hold for her step brother.

The ONLY one that can stop that type of abuse, and believe me, it IS a form of abuse, is your DD. She has to realize that HER DD needs to come before any of this rubbish of waiting for the step to have a celebration. Another poster recommended that your DD and DGD come to your house on Christmas Eve and celebrate the holiday there. Let the azzhat dude stew in his own juices for a day or two and then they can go home and have the celebration with the step.

Your DGD deserves better and if your DD cannot see that? Shame on her.

Nanaof1 · 29/04/2023 23:22

SquidwardBound · 29/04/2023 21:09

But why does you daughter accept this?

If it were me, I’d fuck off on Christmas Eve - or potentially before that - to your house (it sounds like you’d have me!) with my daughter to do a proper Christmas Day on Christmas Day. And leave my husband to sulk and play the martyr on his own.

If he wants to wait several days and do a second Christmas… fine. I certainly would not be letting him treat my child like that.

Is she just brainwashed by his stepfamily guilt and FOG?

Show quote history

THIS--ALL of THIS
💔⬆

Rosula · 30/04/2023 00:02

slowquickstep · 28/04/2023 17:14

I understand he wants to include his child but does he not realise he has another child. Please talk to him and tell him it has to stop. My Daughter is in the same situation but to a worse extent, my DGD who is in her early teens has to wait until her step brother has arrived before she can have Christmas, this may be 3 or 4 days later. It is cruel. The same happens at Easter, no eggs until they are all together. I am so surprised my DGD is as lovely as she has, her whole life is put on hold for her step brother.

Why on earth does your daughter go along with this? Presumably the stepbrother doesn't have to wait to have Christmas, so why on earth should your granddaughter?

Poisoningpigeons · 30/04/2023 06:31

slowquickstep · 28/04/2023 17:14

I understand he wants to include his child but does he not realise he has another child. Please talk to him and tell him it has to stop. My Daughter is in the same situation but to a worse extent, my DGD who is in her early teens has to wait until her step brother has arrived before she can have Christmas, this may be 3 or 4 days later. It is cruel. The same happens at Easter, no eggs until they are all together. I am so surprised my DGD is as lovely as she has, her whole life is put on hold for her step brother.

Your poor DGD!

I'd be interested to see if any of the prolific posters defending the OP's husband's behaviour come back and defend this situation. IMO, it's basically exactly the same situation, on a larger scale.

CM1897 · 30/04/2023 07:37

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 13:06

My child still eats and enjoys nice food 😂

Show quote history

If you and the little one want a roast, why don’t you just cook a roast? Maybe he doesn’t think it’s worth making a roast for just the three of you and that’s fine, but there’s nothing stopping you making one. It comes across in some of your replies that you don’t really like him very much

mainsfed · 30/04/2023 07:58

CM1897 · 30/04/2023 07:37

If you and the little one want a roast, why don’t you just cook a roast? Maybe he doesn’t think it’s worth making a roast for just the three of you and that’s fine, but there’s nothing stopping you making one. It comes across in some of your replies that you don’t really like him very much

Show quote history

Bet he’ll still eat it if OP makes it though.

Does he get to opt out of everything when his other dc aren’t there? Maybe he should stop cleaning the house or doing shopping as it isn’t worth it if they’re not there?

One could say it sounds like he doesn’t love his third child very much.

Magenta82 · 30/04/2023 08:47

slowquickstep · 29/04/2023 21:06

Believe me i have had my say on the situation but it makes no odds

Have you explicitly told your daughter that she is enabling emotional abuse and damaging her child? Your DGD is being set up for a life of poor self esteem and a high liklihood of accepting abuse in romantic relationships because of the way she is being treated. Her father is causing it but her mother is allowing it and needs to take responsibility.

Tanith · 30/04/2023 08:55

I wonder if his Ex also finds it frustrating and that’s why there’s all the waiting around until the DSCs are available.
She probably doesn’t want to spoil the good relationship by saying it outright, so she’s making sure they’re doing other things as a hint to him.

CM1897 · 30/04/2023 13:24

mainsfed · 30/04/2023 07:58

Bet he’ll still eat it if OP makes it though.

Does he get to opt out of everything when his other dc aren’t there? Maybe he should stop cleaning the house or doing shopping as it isn’t worth it if they’re not there?

One could say it sounds like he doesn’t love his third child very much.

Show quote history

Some may think that if they’re ridiculous. Sometimes I only have one of my children with me and will decide not to go to the effort of cooking a large meal as it isn’t worth it to me, I’ll just do one when all my children are there. Does that mean l love one of my children less, hell no! It means I’ll save the electricity and the time and make something just as tasty, spend the extra time playing with my child.

The op’s child is a toddler so won’t eat much, the main thinks is they are fed, they won’t care if it’s a roast of not.

OP’s partner probably feels a bit low when his other children aren’t there too, may have less energy because of this. It’s the norm to want to have your children with you full time! OP won’t understand this feeling as she lives with her child.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 13:30

Did you manage to speak with you DH about this @SimpleSimple ?

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 30/04/2023 13:55

Sometimes I only have one of my children with me and will decide not to go to the effort of cooking a large meal as it isn’t worth it to me, I’ll just do one when all my children are there.

The difference between you and OP's situation is that you are deciding it's worth the effort and it isn't based on which of your children is or isn't with you - simply that you personally can't be bothered if not all your children are there. Whereas in OP's situation it's her DH telling her a roast isn't worth her effort, not to save her a job because there's only one child present but because that child's enjoyment doesn't seem to count unless his siblings are also there. Big difference in motivation.

SquidwardBound · 30/04/2023 14:08

OP’s partner probably feels a bit low when his other children aren’t there too, may have less energy because of this. It’s the norm to want to have your children with you full time! OP won’t understand this feeling as she lives with her child.

It isn’t ok for him to act all depressed and lacking in energy if his other children aren’t there. His wife and youngest child deserve better than this.

He needs to get over himself, accept that this is his life, and not treat the people he lives with FT with contempt.

funinthesun19 · 30/04/2023 15:28

The op’s child is a toddler so won’t eat much, the main thinks is they are fed, they won’t care if it’s a roast of not.

They won’t care, no. But people still make roasts for their toddlers regardless.
I bet dsc didn’t care when they were toddlers either. Still had them though I bet.

It’s like when people say the SM’s toddler doesn’t need to do anything fun because they won’t remember it. Usually said as a put down when DSC aren’t coming to fun thing.

OP’s partner probably feels a bit low when his other children aren’t there too, may have less energy because of this. It’s the norm to want to have your children with you full time! OP won’t understand this feeling as she lives with her child.

He’s allowed to miss them and feel pangs of sadness. But if those feelings get strong enough that he has no energy for his wife and younger child, then he should just be alone.