Page 29 | I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

SimpleSimple · 2023-04-26T07:04:19+00:00

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off. Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday. It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get. I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc. I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah. And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

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MichelleScarn · 30/04/2023 15:39

OP’s partner probably feels a bit low when his other children aren’t there too, may have less energy because of this
What a cop out!! "Oh I'm too tired to take on any responsibility for our child or household, and you can't complain as it's because I'm emotionally distraught and if you say anything that proves you don't care about DSc..."

CatCake · 30/04/2023 15:44

CM1897 · 30/04/2023 07:37

If you and the little one want a roast, why don’t you just cook a roast? Maybe he doesn’t think it’s worth making a roast for just the three of you and that’s fine, but there’s nothing stopping you making one. It comes across in some of your replies that you don’t really like him very much

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It's not fine.

Wheresthebeach · 30/04/2023 15:47

InceyWinceySpidy · 28/04/2023 12:05

Can you imagine the mum trying to get a quick Macdonald's for her kids, and Disney Dad halting her, and telling her she needs to wait an hour and pick up his other child, because it's not fair.

"Get a grip, he's not my child, he's not supposed to be with me, it's a £3 burger, I do not need your interference and disruption while I'm parenting" would be the quite correct reply.

It's a reply that applies exactly to OP. She's too kind and polite to say that. And if she says anything suggesting the same, he gaslights her "well, you obviously don't like them". Utter prick.

The dad seems to think when it is not his contact time, he can act like he has 100% custody. Which would be irritating if it was just OP and him. But to keep making digs at his own child, that it's not worth making a proper meal, or even having a £3 burger unless the other children are hauled over first, that's frankly disgraceful.

I think this sums it up nicely. The three of them have to be able to enjoy things. If the three of them don't rate anything nice, he should never have had another family.

CM1897 · 30/04/2023 15:57

funinthesun19 · 30/04/2023 15:28

The op’s child is a toddler so won’t eat much, the main thinks is they are fed, they won’t care if it’s a roast of not.

They won’t care, no. But people still make roasts for their toddlers regardless.
I bet dsc didn’t care when they were toddlers either. Still had them though I bet.

It’s like when people say the SM’s toddler doesn’t need to do anything fun because they won’t remember it. Usually said as a put down when DSC aren’t coming to fun thing.

OP’s partner probably feels a bit low when his other children aren’t there too, may have less energy because of this. It’s the norm to want to have your children with you full time! OP won’t understand this feeling as she lives with her child.

He’s allowed to miss them and feel pangs of sadness. But if those feelings get strong enough that he has no energy for his wife and younger child, then he should just be alone.

To be fair I’d rather be alone than be with someone who complains about me wanting to spend as much time with my children as possible. It’s a natural feeling

HyacinthBookay · 30/04/2023 16:00

CM1897 · 30/04/2023 13:24

Some may think that if they’re ridiculous. Sometimes I only have one of my children with me and will decide not to go to the effort of cooking a large meal as it isn’t worth it to me, I’ll just do one when all my children are there. Does that mean l love one of my children less, hell no! It means I’ll save the electricity and the time and make something just as tasty, spend the extra time playing with my child.

The op’s child is a toddler so won’t eat much, the main thinks is they are fed, they won’t care if it’s a roast of not.

OP’s partner probably feels a bit low when his other children aren’t there too, may have less energy because of this. It’s the norm to want to have your children with you full time! OP won’t understand this feeling as she lives with her child.

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You sound so lovely. Nice, balanced post. Humane.

Nuevabegin · 30/04/2023 16:36

How many dcs does the op have ? Sounds like one but then she keeps saying that she wouldn’t mind if her other dcs did something separate to her ??
Either way I think blended families rarely work , almost everytime after the family is broken and parents go on to have other kids the step parent almost always resents the first family. It’s always as though they are an inconvenience or that they just want their own time as their “own little family” forgetting that that’s been robbed for other dcs , they should have every other week or 50/50 with their real parents . That’s the sad reality

funinthesun19 · 30/04/2023 16:53

CM1897 · 30/04/2023 15:57

To be fair I’d rather be alone than be with someone who complains about me wanting to spend as much time with my children as possible. It’s a natural feeling

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At least you’re honest. He seems to think he can have it all ways.

aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2023 16:54

Nuevabegin · 30/04/2023 16:36

How many dcs does the op have ? Sounds like one but then she keeps saying that she wouldn’t mind if her other dcs did something separate to her ??
Either way I think blended families rarely work , almost everytime after the family is broken and parents go on to have other kids the step parent almost always resents the first family. It’s always as though they are an inconvenience or that they just want their own time as their “own little family” forgetting that that’s been robbed for other dcs , they should have every other week or 50/50 with their real parents . That’s the sad reality

What a ridiculously one sided summation of the extremely varied ways in which blended families often don't work.

Yes, the problem is always the step parent resenting things that are totally reasonable 🙄

aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2023 16:57

To be fair I’d rather be alone than be with someone who complains about me wanting to spend as much time with my children as possible. It’s a natural feeling

Feelings or no feelings, you should be alone if the alternative is expecting your partner and other children to just accept you constantly moping when the other children aren't around. You aren't emotionally available for a relationship or to be a parent to other children if that's how you're going to behave.

InceyWinceySpidy · 30/04/2023 17:12

Nuevabegin · 30/04/2023 16:36

How many dcs does the op have ? Sounds like one but then she keeps saying that she wouldn’t mind if her other dcs did something separate to her ??
Either way I think blended families rarely work , almost everytime after the family is broken and parents go on to have other kids the step parent almost always resents the first family. It’s always as though they are an inconvenience or that they just want their own time as their “own little family” forgetting that that’s been robbed for other dcs , they should have every other week or 50/50 with their real parents . That’s the sad reality

You do get that OP's house is the resident house right? They're there 50% of the time as the basic. Then they get hauled over for anything as trivial as a McDonald's trip.

They are with their mother far less. So when you take into account that they are all resident children, but the youngest is 100% and the elder are 75% resident, then the idea that because of this fractional difference, the youngest child can do nothing fun with just him and his parents, and must forever wait behind the prodigal SDC.

holaschicas · 30/04/2023 18:10

Some of the responses on here are making me want to bang my head against the wall, it would be less painful.

I don’t resent my DSC in any way…I do resent how their mum often treats my family, but I would if anyone behaved the way she did.

i would resent being in OPs situation, just as I’d resent it if my DH expected I collect my mum every time we do anything.

The DSC are often a red herring in these scenarios, a red herring people jump on and use to attack the SM. It’s normally the adults behaviour that is the issue…take the DSC and replace them with someone else and people’s views would be different.

SquidwardBound · 30/04/2023 18:57

Either way I think blended families rarely work , almost everytime after the family is broken and parents go on to have other kids the step parent almost always resents the first family. It’s always as though they are an inconvenience or that they just want their own time as their “own little family” forgetting that that’s been robbed for other dcs , they should have every other week or 50/50 with their real parents . That’s the sad reality

Who broke the first family? Who robbed them of their nuclear family? In most cases it has precisely nothing to do with any future stepmother. It’s on their parents.

But the stepmother becomes the focus of everyone else’s resentment. Especially if she dares to set any boundaries at all and isn’t happy to finance and act as a servant to the first family. Indeed, the common
narrative demonises her for having done so and insists she must be jealous of the SC.

If she has a child of her own, even her own desire to actually have a family at all and to be properly mother to her own child is framed by this crap. That child is not a child who matters and deserves to have a mother who can love it in way mothers do. No. Everything has to be framed as taking away from poor SC.

This narrative is utterly toxic. And presented on these kind of threads by such incredibly sanctimonious posters.

If a SM resents this - this denial of her and her child’s right to be a family together rather than live in apology for existing and make sure they are available as props and resources for the SC when it’s demanded - then that also is largely the SC’s parents’ fault. Especially the man who is treating his second wife and youngest child(ren) with such contempt.

MeetMyCat · 30/04/2023 19:27

@SquidwardBound totally agree

firsttimemum1230 · 30/04/2023 19:53

I’ve just read all this “ second family” bullshit first of all they are no longer a family. He is not a family with his ex and he is not in that there is a boundary. The new family with the new partner and the mother of his child is the family now. You both mum dad the children he has and the child you share. The other mother is the outsider to that but ofcourse it is great that you all get on and he can take the kids when he wants but it doesn’t make it healthy. My child’s dad does this from time to time and happily gives up our weekends with him to his eldest jusf because he sees us in the week but I’ve told him it isn’t good enough. So we shall see. You have every right to feel the way that you do. It’s not that you don’t want them it’s the fact you still need time as a couple and mum and dad to just your child cause let’s face it nothing is the same with step children around. I get treated so different when mine is.

LoisLane66 · 30/04/2023 20:22

@SquidwardBound I too, agree. His wife has every right to expect family time with her DH and toddler SEPARATE from having the SC at every outing especially the waiting around part. I'd go crazy.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 03:39

CM1897 · 30/04/2023 15:57

To be fair I’d rather be alone than be with someone who complains about me wanting to spend as much time with my children as possible. It’s a natural feeling

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Well then, I hope you never, ever do ANYTHING without making sure ALL your children are able to participate. If you do not do that, then your children will grow up to be damaged and unable to emotionally handle life. /S

And I mean, every single thing. Library, beach, pool, birthday parties, doctor's appts., dentist appts. It would be a true sin to let any one of your children to miss out on anything that one of the others might get to do.

Dear Daddy is at least 50% or more at fault for the fact that his children do not live with him. He needs to put on his big boy panties, stop sulking like a 2-year-old and GTFU. It certainly gives me an idea as to why his first wife dumped him.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 03:43

HyacinthBookay · 30/04/2023 16:00

You sound so lovely. Nice, balanced post. Humane.

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I am devastated that there is a time where ALL of her children are NOT with her. That will SO emotionally damage and destroy those poor little cupcakes! /S

Also nice to know that her children have no separate value but just value when they are all togethe. I guess for her they have the smallest value when they are little because they won't remember being treated like crap.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 03:57

SquidwardBound · 30/04/2023 18:57

Either way I think blended families rarely work , almost everytime after the family is broken and parents go on to have other kids the step parent almost always resents the first family. It’s always as though they are an inconvenience or that they just want their own time as their “own little family” forgetting that that’s been robbed for other dcs , they should have every other week or 50/50 with their real parents . That’s the sad reality

Who broke the first family? Who robbed them of their nuclear family? In most cases it has precisely nothing to do with any future stepmother. It’s on their parents.

But the stepmother becomes the focus of everyone else’s resentment. Especially if she dares to set any boundaries at all and isn’t happy to finance and act as a servant to the first family. Indeed, the common
narrative demonises her for having done so and insists she must be jealous of the SC.

If she has a child of her own, even her own desire to actually have a family at all and to be properly mother to her own child is framed by this crap. That child is not a child who matters and deserves to have a mother who can love it in way mothers do. No. Everything has to be framed as taking away from poor SC.

This narrative is utterly toxic. And presented on these kind of threads by such incredibly sanctimonious posters.

If a SM resents this - this denial of her and her child’s right to be a family together rather than live in apology for existing and make sure they are available as props and resources for the SC when it’s demanded - then that also is largely the SC’s parents’ fault. Especially the man who is treating his second wife and youngest child(ren) with such contempt.

If I could give you a million thumbs-up, I would do so. Thank you for stating the truth much more eloquently than I ever could.

I am just chapped beyond all rationale that the OP should just "accept" the sulking, moronic, selfish and destructive behavior that her NSDH is exhibiting. The OP and THEIR DC, along with Mr. Moron, are a family in their own right. Mr. Moron needs to realize this or I can only hope he ends up with two households that have DC he can only see every other weekend. Maybe, that's what he needs.

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 03:59

firsttimemum1230 · 30/04/2023 19:53

I’ve just read all this “ second family” bullshit first of all they are no longer a family. He is not a family with his ex and he is not in that there is a boundary. The new family with the new partner and the mother of his child is the family now. You both mum dad the children he has and the child you share. The other mother is the outsider to that but ofcourse it is great that you all get on and he can take the kids when he wants but it doesn’t make it healthy. My child’s dad does this from time to time and happily gives up our weekends with him to his eldest jusf because he sees us in the week but I’ve told him it isn’t good enough. So we shall see. You have every right to feel the way that you do. It’s not that you don’t want them it’s the fact you still need time as a couple and mum and dad to just your child cause let’s face it nothing is the same with step children around. I get treated so different when mine is.

@firsttimemum1230 I totally agree. I hope your situation gets better. If it doesn't, remember, you and YOUR child come first so do what is best for the two of you.

Isthisreasonable · 01/05/2023 09:28

PPs castigating the DD for allowing there to be only one Xmas celebration bear in mind it's not that easy with a controlling, manipulative dh. He would probably make a Xmas without the dsc thoroughly miserable and disrupt events if the DD took DGD elsewhere.

With the OP's situation, the ex-wife is probably just as pissed off at being put in the position of being the fun sponge if she objects to the DH taking the kids away during her contact time. The dsc may exploit this for their own benefit now, but in later years will probably reflect that their mum never stopped them from seeing their dad, but he stopped them from being with their mum and will resent him for that.

If I was the OP I would test the water and do more things just with her and dc. Don't include DH in everything and see what the reaction is. Does he feel that he missed out on time with dc if he wasn't included in a trip to the park? Or is it that he missed an opportunity to be the Disney dad? That would be telling.

slowquickstep · 01/05/2023 09:40

Thanks everyone for your support, it is a horrendous situation and i would give anything for my DD to finally stand up to this man. I truly can't wait for the day she phones to say she has kicked him out. Thanks again

SquidwardBound · 01/05/2023 09:41

Yes. It isn’t as easy when you’ve got a husband who has gaslit you into believing that you are the problem for objecting to him wanting to centre everything around what makes him feel best.

It’s also important that, where family members can see this stuff, they don’t just cut contact. If your daughter is in that kind of situation, you need to make sure she knows your there and, if she realises what’s happening and that she needs to leave, that you’ll help her.

Same for the granddaughter. At some point she’ll be old enough to decide she wants no part of it. Total estrangement from her parents means she has no easy place to go.

Mostly, though, we need (as a society) to stop pretending that men who want to control everyone they live with and have life organised around managing their feelings are somehow wonderful fathers. Even the children who get the Disney dad treatment tend to know that their role is to ensure dad feels happy and good. Then you get teenagers who feel they can’t say ‘actually, I’d rather see my friends’ - even though separating psychologically from
your parents is a perfectly normal
and important part of adolescence.

Even worse if the pressure to perform their role as children comes from both parents.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/05/2023 10:05

Nanaof1 · 01/05/2023 03:39

Well then, I hope you never, ever do ANYTHING without making sure ALL your children are able to participate. If you do not do that, then your children will grow up to be damaged and unable to emotionally handle life. /S

And I mean, every single thing. Library, beach, pool, birthday parties, doctor's appts., dentist appts. It would be a true sin to let any one of your children to miss out on anything that one of the others might get to do.

Dear Daddy is at least 50% or more at fault for the fact that his children do not live with him. He needs to put on his big boy panties, stop sulking like a 2-year-old and GTFU. It certainly gives me an idea as to why his first wife dumped him.

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@CM1897

well do you always do EVERYTHING together??

billy1966 · 01/05/2023 10:42

SquidwardBound · 01/05/2023 09:41

Yes. It isn’t as easy when you’ve got a husband who has gaslit you into believing that you are the problem for objecting to him wanting to centre everything around what makes him feel best.

It’s also important that, where family members can see this stuff, they don’t just cut contact. If your daughter is in that kind of situation, you need to make sure she knows your there and, if she realises what’s happening and that she needs to leave, that you’ll help her.

Same for the granddaughter. At some point she’ll be old enough to decide she wants no part of it. Total estrangement from her parents means she has no easy place to go.

Mostly, though, we need (as a society) to stop pretending that men who want to control everyone they live with and have life organised around managing their feelings are somehow wonderful fathers. Even the children who get the Disney dad treatment tend to know that their role is to ensure dad feels happy and good. Then you get teenagers who feel they can’t say ‘actually, I’d rather see my friends’ - even though separating psychologically from
your parents is a perfectly normal
and important part of adolescence.

Even worse if the pressure to perform their role as children comes from both parents.

So true.

At the core of these posts are men who are utterly self absorbed.

@slowquickstep your daughter is such a disgrace.

If and when your granddaughter grows up and realises what a selfish loser her mother was, and wants to cut contact, support her and validate her feelings.

Her mother has chosen to put a loser and his son ahead of her daughter, she deserves to be completely cut off by her daughter and I for one hopes she does it.

Validate your granddaughter so that you can let her know that the feelings she probably has of being of lesser value than this mans son, is her mothers fxxked up mess and not the choice of a decent normal parent.

Don't allow your granddaughter to think her waster mother is correct to behave so appallingly badly.