I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

Don’t see how anyone could think that was ok tbh

what message does it send to his youngest child?!

YANBU op, far from it

Correct me if I'm wrong - but all these 'let's get the SC over for Sunday dinner, etc' things suggests that the kids' Mum isn't getting 50% with her children?

Moreover, as others have mentioned, won't she have planned things - such as their meals - already? The 'spontaneous McDonalds' episode would wind most parents up (as others have said, putting them in the 'bad parent' place if they refuse) because tea will probably already be made.

The OP's husband is coming from a good place as far as how he sees his other 2 children is concerned but he's not right to keep doing this, intruding on his ex's time with the children and mucking his new family about. The Sunday dinner thing is plain wrong.

Seems madness to me

Big trips yes plan and ask in advance

Not little things spur of moment things

It's mums time

If I were her it would bug me lots. Dad invites them on her day then brings them prob hyper and she had to sort out calming them down

The whole point of going to McDonalds was to have a super quick cos they were knackered and cba cooking!

One of the joys of being involved with someone who has kids with other people.
Perfectly reasonable that he would invite his other child, remember they came first.
Sounds like u r Healy of him wanting to spend time with his child.

I do understand it being frustrating but he does sound like a very decent man to want to include them and to take an active interest in them. If you ever split up I think you’d find this far preferable to having a co-parent who never takes his children anywhere that he doesn’t want to go himself and doesn’t care for them as much as you do.

Your argument is so clearly thought out and precisely presented.

Bravo... go you!

For me, the most hurtful thing about his behaviour, @SimpleSimple, is the way it makes you feel that you and your child with him are second class citizens, compared to his older children.

The comment that 'it's not worth cooking a Sunday lunch for three' is awful, and I would definitely be pointing out to him that his wife and his child ARE worth cooking a Sunday lunch for - and to say that they aren't is almost deliberately hurtful.

Of course it is good that he wants to include his older children - and that he and his ex have a good enough relationship that they (or at least she) can be flexible about things - but it is not unreasonable for you to want a bit of balance, and to feel that you and your child with him are also priorities for him, and not second best.

It won't be long before the kids will be teens and caught up in their own lives and not wanting to join the family for dinner or an outing. I think trying to limit his time with his children will not go well. He has a family of 5, he wants to spend time with his family and include all his kids equally in activities. These are your child's siblings. The DSc must enjoy it if they choose to come at this point and their mother is fine with a more flexible arrangement too. If I had a partner who told me that I needed to limit my contact with my children and only see them at designated times, he wouldn't last long. You and the younger child live with him, but to him he still has 3 children 7 days a week. To him, they are part of his family even if not always sleeping under his roof. Just like your shared child is welcome in the home 7 days a week and not only considered family on some days, to him his other kids are too.

The kids will be teens and onto their own lives soon, I can see why he cherishes time with them while they still enjoy hanging out with him.

And yet if our younger child was spending the night with their grandparent and he decided to take DSC to McDonald's on a whim I can't imagine him insisting we must go and collect our child from their grandparents before they can go... Hmm.

What are you talking about? I mean seriously the dsc go EVERYWHERE for every little outing, the ops dc cant even have a roast dinner without them there. Why on earth would you advise op to get a babysitter for her child so she can take the dsc out? Please explain your logic.

Can your hubby articulate why he feels so guilty doing 'special' things with only your child if he is comfortable doing things alone with his other children?

It's something he needs to be able to move past before your youngest does start to pick up on it.

This is a DH problem. He is parenting out of guilt, which is the most effective way to fuck up your kids btw.

How much time is too much time to spend with your children? Why should a parent not want to spend as much time as absolutely possible with all of their children. How does deferring certain activities until they can all be present send a message that one of them is more or less important than all of them?

OP , are you suggesting that your child does not get a meal on Sunday if the siblings are not there? The siblings are not there on many, days does he let him go hungry on those days as well? Who does that?

My Ex will phone up any day and expect DCs to be available and me to drop things for them to go. Contact was so shit with him at the beginning and they could go weeks without seeing them, I acquiesced everytime.
Was it annoying - yes it bloody was.
10 yrs on he now expects it whenever he wants and the DCS are at an age where they push back and say no.

Mum is damned if she does and damned if she doesnt make the DCS available. Your DP needs to relax.

I already did explain.

It's for Dad to be able to move past the guilt of feeling like he is leaving the other kids out.

Dad is the one struggling here, not the kids.

Doing individual activities with all the children separately should help him to see that it's OK to not pick up/include his 2 eldest in everything.

None of what you said applies to OP. She has said she doesn't mind doing things with DSC outside of the 50:50 arrangement. She just occasionally wants to 'nip out'.

Welcome to the world of "more than one child."

I get you find it a little irritating needing to include his kids but in reality how often is this happening? Is this everyday? You really never do anything without the kids? You have never gone out to eat or to the store or to anything without his other kids?

Would he agree that you 3 have never done anything together?

Dad is suffering? I actually think everyone around him is suffering but not him!

Your DH is forgetting that whilst he is a father of 3 he is also a father of 1

I very much doubt that when his oldest was an only child, before their sibling came along, that he thought 3 was not work cooking a Sunday dinner for

But now he has 3 children, 1 feels like not worth the effort. But that's not fair to that 1 that he is parenting all of the time

I think the fact that he is willing to do things spontaneously with his elder DCs and is making an effort not to leave them out is lovely. But like many fathers I read about on here who have families with their second wife/partners he is concentrating so hard on his first children he is forgetting to put the same care and effort into the second children

That means the elder DC have two parents advocating for them, and you can feel like your DC often only have you advocating for them and when you do you get criticised for 'not wanting' his DCs to be included.

I don't know what the answer is to be honest because it seems a common issue without an easy resolution

agreed! He’s getting it ALLLL his own way

Send the child away to accommodate the other children? That's shocking advice.

Well that says more about you and your lack of empathy than it does about him.

All I see is a man who is desperately trying to make sure his eldest kids feel included in his day to day life. He is wracked with guilt.

I'd he getting it right, nope. Is he fucking up, sure is. But that doesn't take away from how he is feeling. It's pretty clear to me he needs help to navigate through this. What that help looks like? I don't know.

That's up to him and hopefully OP as his partner to navigate.

Yanbu.

I would say to dh of course any planned activities will usually include sdc's (unless they are unavailable). But that spur of the moment plans without them do not mean you dont want them around, and he should not complain about that. Step children are very welcome on non contact time for Sunday dinner etc but he must be mindful of his attitude to the 3 of you having dinner when they are not available especially as this will happen more frequently as they get older.