I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

“Twisting words” 🙄

How dare you be a good mother who stands up for her child.

Yes. He has literally said the words he doesn't think making a Sunday dinner for 3 is worth it.

I wouldn't be happy about this is I was DSCs mum. What if she has dinner plans but your DH rings up at the last minute offering McDonald's? She has to be the bad guy. What if she is making a Sunday dinner and your DH invites the DC to your house? That's putting them in an awkward position having to say no to one of their parents.

It sounds like DH thinks this is coming from a good place but he is stepping on the DSC mum's toes.

Without knowing

I suspect we will have the usual. Well you chose this situation, they are young it won't matter. Op needs to explain that it's important the children from first family to recognise they come first and you second so be a you chose this you can't complain.

Not all DP do this to their kids but it's certainly not "father of the year material"

Also as a mum I would be fucked off he was intruding on my time with the kids tbh.

It even goes so far sometimes as to invite them to every Sunday dinner we make (even if it's mum's weekend- we have Sunday dinner practically every Sunday or try to) and if they can't come he starts with the 'it feels pointless to make it for just 3 people'. Like wow okay thanks

Try reading the thread instead of jumping on here with your step mum bashing stick.

As the child of an absent father I think that you should be so proud that you are with a man who is so careful about making sure than none of his kids feel left out, that it reaches a point of annoyance. If you were to split up (here's hoping that never happens) you can be safe in the knowledge that your dh would never neglect his kids. We should be praising a man who takes his responsibilities seriously, not giving him a hard time.

Oh I totally missed that info about how he left his first family. Care to share? 🙄

The families I have seen with the best adjusted kids are the ones where like your DH, the parents still see themselves as a parent 100% of the time and not a firm cut off that I am only your parent and you are only my child from Thurs to Sun. The famililes that have flexibility where the kids are comfortable in both homes and feel wanted and can contacat both parents anytime do much better. Kids who are seen as part of the family and not as outsiders to 'our family' also do better. Lots of parents still share extracurricular duties or pick up their kids as needed or divide and conquer because they enjoy time with their kids.

Many parents do not refuse to see their kids for more time if it becomes available, they are happy to see them or have more than the 50%. You might feel the same OP if you only had your child 50% of the time - would you really refuse to see them at all outside of that even if they wanted to see you and the opportunity was there?

I'm waiting for 'but your child gets to live with him all the time' that's usually the reasoning given for not considering second family children as much as first on here.

Think on he also chose this situation. He had another dc knowing the difference in lives they would all have. He is a pig thinking your shared dc isn't worth making the effort for.
Take your dc for Sunday lunch and leave the twat at home.

Don't know what happened to the end of my post!

Without knowing what their relationship is like now or the background to the split, it's impossible to tell if the Dsc's mum feels forced into saying yes to these last minute requests.

None of his children are left out? Except our child who can't have a Sunday dinner made for them if their siblings can't come.

This is a horrible situation for:

• the OP
• the preschool age child
• the SC’s mother
• the SC (who are denied their family time - which, let’s face it, is often the boring stuff) with their mother and have their routine disrupted whenever it suits their dad).

It’s all centred around how the man feels.

So, of course, posters are determined to insist he’s father of the year.

@SquidwardBound ahh yes that common excuse. They can live in the same house but not good enough for a Sunday roast.

That's on the bingo board. Also it's funny isn't it. You can tell who's actually had experience of a blended family and who hasn't based on the comments.

My Dd father kept doing this to me until I was like would you piss off. And he stopped 🙄

He misses his children and clearly feels like 50/50 isn't enough.

He probably remembers that the little outings and treats are the things that kids remember and wants to include all his children in them. I honestly feel a bit sad for him he is trying to square a circle and it's just not going to work.

also if they're older he's probably trying to get in as much time as possible as soon evenings and weekends will be spent with friends and the time together will get even shorter.

I think a compromise has to be reached, so maybe its every other little extra rather than every single time. but i don't think any extra efforts to include them as long as mum doesn't mind and they're only 10 minutes are inherently a bad thing.

yes he feels guilty but also probably misses them loads

I'm not asking him to refuse to see his children if the opportunity arises. I don't think that's the same as saying a quick what should be 20 min trip to McDonald's after a day at work doesn't need to turn into a big mess around of ringing ex, picking up, waiting around for homework/hobby to be done, dropping back off again etc..

If ex rang and said could you have DSC tonight because of X reason, I'd never say he shouldn't. But not everything we do during the time they are supposed to be getting with their mother needs to turn into a invitation.

I take my teens out separately, if we are going past a McDonalds, we go in, might ring the other one and say do you want anything, might not. It's important it feels equal though, so if I've taken one out a couple of times, I even up and take the other out- can be hard to co-ordinate with their lifestyles! I have always gone with different but equal though, I don't give them exactly the same things all the time, as needs differ, but I would hate for anyone to feel second best.

He's overcompensating, and his attitude that things aren't 'worth' it for you three is not ok.

More chats needed I think. But some families do do everything together, even shopping. We have always gone in pairs/threes/four occasionally, more flexibly. Also children go off by themselves without me now!

It’s clear that for these posters, only the SC matter.

Totally agree, @SquidwardBound

This is all about him and what he wants. The comment about Sunday lunch was appalling. The response about 'you don't want to see DSC' last night was ridiculous.

As some PPs have said, time for a serious talk when you're calm. Explain your perspective, and that you're only asking for a common sense approach.

Would you be able to discuss this with the DSC - ask them if they like all the spontaneous short activities or if they would prefer sticking to more of a schedule?

The very reason for wanting McDonalds was because you wanted something quick and easy because you were tired

Exactly this. This is what annoyed me last night. The whole reason for nipping there was because we were knackered and couldn't be arsed cooking, DC goes to bed at 7 so just wanted something quick and done and back for bed time.

But no, nothing can ever be a simple quick trip we always have to mess about making phone calls, waiting around, collecting, dropping back off. Everything has to turn into a big deal which takes triple the amount of time. Some things I absolutely understand but little small mundane things I don't get.

We purposely take each child out separately so that they each get special time individually.

Why don't you get your youngest minded one night/weekend etc and do something just with them or have DH take each one out separately if he prefers.

He clearly feels bad leaving them out so you need to work out together how to move past that.

The Sunday lunch thing is worrying...does he think an only child doesn't deserve a roast dinner!

Look at it from the bio mum's point of view. So you're just about to serve your evening meal. Say it's one of the kids favourite meals lasagna with garlic bread or something. Then the ex rings hi kid's do you want to go to McDonald's for tea? That would p* me off. He has them 50/50 and shouldn't be intruding on they're time with they're mother.

He does do that, I've never stopped him from going anywhere with them alone. We have also taken them out alone before to the cinema and whatnot.

Are you for real?